Two days in the life of Wayne Rooney
The Daily Mirror have a whole page on the website dedicated to Wayne Rooney stories. It really is a thing of great beauty and wonder. No, wait a minute, we got that wrong; it really is a thing of great banality and wondering how the f*** anybody can call this stuff news.
These 21 headlines have all been written in the last 48 hours (as of 10am Tuesday), during which nothing has actually publicly happened to Wayne Rooney other than some football training because he is, or at least he was, a footballer.
‘Coleen Rooney ignores Wayne’s drink drive arrest with party girl to celebrate son Klay’s first day of school’ – because unfortunately for the Daily Mirror, Coleen did not caption a picture of her son with “Big school for my gorgeous Klay!! Shame his dad is a div!!”.
‘Wayne Rooney pictured back behind the wheel as under-fire striker returns to training following drink-drive arrest’ – man drives to work.
‘Angry Coleen Rooney snaps at Twitter troll who makes joke about son Klay amid ongoing marriage drama’ – Excellent use of ‘amid’ there. Maybe she isn’t ignoring Wayne’s drink drive arrest with party girl, after all.
Coleen Rooney ‘WON’T divorce’ Wayne even though Laura Simpson insists they ‘would have ended up s*******” – Swimming? Slopping? Probably slopping.
‘Wayne Rooney pictured wearing his wedding ring after showdown Everton talks following drink-drive charge’ – Married man wears wedding ring.
‘”The whole family is mortified”: Sister of Wayne Rooney’s party girl ‘vows never to speak to her again’ over drink-driving scandal’ – Henceforth, she will only ever be known as ‘Wayne Rooney’s party girl’.
‘What an embarrassment’: Wayne Rooney’s fame-hungry party woman Laura Simpson sets up paparazzi shoot outside her NAN’S house’ – We spoke too soon; this has gone up a notch.
‘Everton boss Ronald Koeman warns Wayne Rooney he’ll be closely monitored from now on after drink-drive arrest’ – By reading the Daily Mirror’s dedicated Wayne Rooney page?
‘Pregnant Coleen Rooney to give shamed Wayne ‘one last chance’ following drink drive girl scandal’ – Aw.
‘Pop star Rod Stewart leaps to the defence of under-fire Everton striker Wayne Rooney – ‘He is still a great guy” – Aw.
‘Coleen Rooney appears to DENY reports she’s giving husband Wayne ‘one last chance’ after drink-drive girl scandal’ – Oh.
‘Alison Phillips: Wayne Rooney’s behaviour spoiled his son’s big day in one night’ – Nope. Us neither.
‘Coleen Rooney shares another back-to-school snap after appearing to deny she’s giving Wayne another chance’ – There’s a lot of ‘appearing to denying’ going on here. We remember the days when people just denied things and we didn’t have to guess.
‘Wayne Rooney sends message as he proudly shows off wedding ring, arriving at Everton training following drink-drive rap’ – Married man still wears wedding ring. Proudly.
‘Disgraced Wayne Rooney’s ‘ego is out of control, like he scored a winning goal’, body language expert warns as he glibly flashes wedding ring’ – Oh. That moved quickly.
‘Wayne Rooney misses son Kai’s first day of school for football training amid marriage crisis’ – Because every other footballer skipped training to take their kids to school.
‘What happened to the beard, Wayne? Everton’s Rooney leaves training clean shaven after arriving with stubble’ – It’s a mystery that’s going to need Quincy AND Miss Marple.
‘Wayne Rooney’s party girl Laura Simpson looks tired and downtrodden as she debuts new flaming red locks at work’ – At least she has been downgraded from ‘Wayne Rooney’s fame-hungry party woman’.
‘Wayne Rooney offers ‘to give up booze’ if wife Coleen ‘quits her holiday splurges’ following drink drive scandal’ – Worst. Deal. Ever.
‘Wayne Rooney’s drink-drive girl Laura Simpson was ‘tracking Coleen on Twitter’ and boasted about bedding Premier League stars’ – Is ‘tracking Coleen on Twitter’ the same as ‘following’? Now slightly worried that we may be tracking over 400 people on Twitter. Sick b***ards.
‘Wayne Rooney arrives for Everton training after ‘offering to give up the booze’ following drink-drive charge’ – Man is back at work. Exhausted, presumably.
But who is busier than Wayne Rooney? John Terry, of course.
Two days before the return of Premier League football and just after Arsene Wenger has given a press conference discussing Alexis Sanchez, the biggest story in football at 11.30am on Thursday – according to the MailOnline – is…
‘So, this is how you stay in shape then! Terry shows off yoga moves as instructor guides him in Aston Villa’s press conference room’
That’s John Terry of Championship strugglers Aston Villa. Doing yoga.
Strains, pains and automatically thinking the worst
Ah, international week. While everybody else hates international week, Mediawatch derives joy from watching the tabloid newspapers scurry around looking for a back-page story.
— Helena Lee (@BBCHelenaLee) September 6, 2017
Now we’re not saying that The Sun came up with the headline and then wrote the stories to fit that headline…no, f*** it, we are saying exactly that…
The ‘Planes’ part of the equation is an exclusive from The Sun’s Sports News Editor Rob Maul. And it is one of those wonderfully undeniable exclusives that actually means nothing, but gives The Sun a reason to use a picture of Philippe Coutinho on an actual plane. Job done. ‘JURGEN KLOPP has told his stars to get behind Philippe Coutinho,’ apparently. As opposed to what? Telling them to kick the living sh*t out of him in training? That would be A Far Better Story.
And then we come to ‘STRAINS’, and Neil Ashton claiming that ‘fed-up Gunners stars WANTED the moody hitman to be sold last week’. We know; we read it in the Daily Telegraph last week.
And on so onto ‘Automobiles’ and the ‘news’ that ‘CHELSEA have dumped Diego Costa’s club Range Rover in the youth-team car park’. You can see why we used the inverted commas.
Oh dear. This is what happens when John Cross has a day off after England duty and Darren Lewis is left with the task of finding a back page…
— Helena Lee (@BBCHelenaLee) September 6, 2017
‘Now’ Arsenal star is branded out of condition? A ‘NEW’ low? We had these quotes on Sunday.
The clue was the part where he said “without that spark, he never left that Paraguyan defence behind”. They have since played Bolivia.
Ask the expert
Sam Allardyce has been telling talkSPORT why Liverpool will not win the Premier League:
“The Premier League is generally won – certainly over the last ten, 15 years – by the team with the best defensive record.”
Pesky fact: The team with the best defensive record has only won the title once in the last five seasons.
Stat of the week
Well… that's a hell of a stat ??
— 101 Great Goals (@101greatgoals) September 6, 2017
Couple of questions.
1) ‘Almost’? The difference is pretty much 53,000 miles. That is quite a lot.
Quote of the day
“He started the process of being a Jose team last year when they were a whisker away from being a lot better than they finished” – Sam Allardyce. Can you be a whisker away from something vague?