Not even Gareth Southgate wants Gareth Southgate

Sarah Winterburn

Harry Redknapp billed it the “ultimate job for an Englishman”; Eddie Howe also calls it the “ultimate job”; Alan Pardew says it is “one of the biggest jobs in the world”. And yet here we are in September 2016 with a man in charge who admitted (in September 2016) that he was not ready for “one of the ultimate jobs”. Gareth Southgate may only be England’s caretaker but he has his own mop and bucket; he is highly likely to be still in the role next year whether he is ready or not.

Never far away from the words ‘Gareth’ and ‘Southgate’ is the phrase ‘safe pair of hands’. He is clearly not the right man for the job but he is the man for right now. He is the harmless, sexless boyfriend who really should be in the friend zone, the restaurant owner’s son mumbling his way through the specials when he really should be in the kitchen washing up; literally nobody believes Gareth Southgate is actually what England needs, least of all Gareth Southgate.

He is uninspiring. His England Under-21 side crashed and burned at his only major tournament. He looks and sounds like a head boy. Watch the video below and note that he tells a group of young footballers that they ‘worked their nuts off’. Not bollocks. Not even balls. But nuts. He probably says ‘whoops’ if he drops something on his toes.

He told FourFourTwo just a few weeks ago: “I can see the logic in terms of the odds but it wasn’t a route I felt I was ready to take. I’m pretty clear on what I’m comfortable with but also I know to take that role wasn’t something I think I’ve got the experience for.

“I think it’s one of the ultimate jobs and you want every skill set possible when you go into it. Sam obviously has years and years of experience.”

Sam obviously has years and years of experience – in every single way – but it sounds as ridiculous today as it did in July that the FA had scoured the world for candidates for the ‘ultimate job’ and found themselves just outside Bolton at the door of a survival specialist who had won nothing grander than a Third Division title. Not to mention his style of football or allegations of financial impropriety. As Matt Stead wrote here, the FA took a massive risk when appointing Big Sam that they would end up with Big Sam.

They ended up at that door for a variety of reasons: a lack of interest from those who dominate club football, the concept that – in the absence of an outstanding candidate – British is best, an utter lack of compelling alternatives and the misguided notion that England fans wanted a ‘no-nonsense’ manager to kick some arses after the embarrassment of Euro 2016. That his solution was to say that he had no right to tell Wayne Rooney where to play dispelled that notion in 90 horrible minutes.

Here we are just a few months later and the list of candidates according to the bookmakers still reads Southgate (by his own admission, not ready), Steve Bruce (reportedly interviewed and passed over in the summer), Eddie Howe (recently said it was “not in his immediate thoughts”), Alan Pardew (distanced himself in the summer) and Glenn Hoddle (last managed, unsuccessfully, ten years ago). The barrel was scraped once and now the tool is out again/already.

And yet, we do feel somehow safer in the blazered arms of Southgate than in the sweaty clasp of Allardyce. Maybe this average, forgettable England side deserves nothing more than an average, forgettable manager. The ultimate job is ultimately not wanted by anybody who could make them any better.

Sarah Winterburn