Mathieu Flamini – No Premier League starts in 2015 and apparently told he is free to leave the club this summer. Some reports suggest he wants a pay-off to compensate for a loss of wages if he returns to France.
Joel Campbell – Reportedly bound for Palermo for £7m.
Philippe Senderos – Never played a minute of competitive action under Tim Sherwood.
Joe Bennett – Another Championship loan surely beckons.
Aleksandar Tonev – Bulgarian winger not even given a squad number.
Charles N’Zogbia – “He can be anything he wants to be – I really mean that,” said Tim Sherwood in March. Presumably he can now be anything he wants to be as long as it’s not at Villa.
Lee Camp – Literally had no idea he was at Bournemouth. Us, not him presumably.
Ryan Allsop – Very much fourth-choice goalkeeper.
Elliott Ward – Former West Ham centre-half played only twice in the Championship last season.
Junior Stanislas – See Lee Camp.
Nathaniel Chalobah – Just needs to move to Reading and be done with it.
Marko Marin – Surely set for the fourth loan of his Chelsea spell (the other three went badly). Astonishingly, he has 16 German caps.
Lucas Piazon – Brazilian youngster who struggled on loan at Eintracht Frankfurt last season.
Bertrand Traoe – Scored 17 goals for Vitesse last season but bizarrely played left-back in pre-season.
Brede Hangeland – Signed a new one-year deal in June. Might wish now he hadn’t bothered.
Paddy McCarthy – Played once in Premier League in last two seasons. Championship loan beckons.
Zeki Fryers – Former Manchester United, Standard Liege and Spurs left-back who played once in the PL last season. In fact, he is 22 and has played 30 league games in his whole career.
Joe Ledley – Emphatically not as good as Yohan Cabaye.
Barry Bannan – See above. Told in July he can leave the club; still there in August.
Adlène Guédioura – Helped Watford into the Premier League; there’s no indication that they want him in the Premier League.
Jonathan Williams – Surely a fourth Ipswich loan beckons.
There are no uninjured first-team squad members who have not yet been on the bench.
Liam Moore – Appeared in an F365 England ladder early last season; by March he had been dropped while on loan at Brentford.
Marcin Wasilewski – Probably fifth-choice centre-half.
Danny Simpson – Recently convicted of assaulting an ex-girlfriend; first-choice right-back Ritchie de Laet has not.
Tom Lawrence – Cost over £1m from Manchester United and played 51 minutes in the PL last season.
Mamadou Sakho – £18m centre-half now below Kolo Toure in the pecking order.
Tiago Ilori – We await the £7m man’s loan to Las Palmas or Granada.
Jose Enrique – “The club have alienated Balotelli, Borini and me,” said the Spanish left-back last week.
Lucas Leiva – He might want to have a word with Jose Enrique about adding him to that list. After eight seasons, Lucas seems set to slope off to Besiktas while Liverpool fans wonder who will protect their defence.
João Carlos Teixeira – Scored a 40-yarder in pre-season; surely he will return to Brighton on loan.
Lazar Markovic – Brendan Rodgers says he will “certainly be needed”. Right now the £20m man is way behind the raw Jordan Ibe in Rodgers’ thoughts.
Mario Balotelli – An unwanted £16m striker very much available for transfer.
Fabio Borini – An unwanted £11m striker very much available for transfer.
Richard Wright – Third-choice keeper at the title favourites and happy enough with his lot.
Bruno Zuculini – Featured in pre-season but has once again disappeared when the real fun begins.
Rony Lopes – Portuguese U-21 midfielder set to appear on loan for a Premier League side near you soon.
José Ángel Pozo – Three PL appearances last season but has been leapfrogged by the exciting Kelechi Iheanacho.
David de Gea – #headsgone
Victor Valdes – Simply does not understand Louis van Gaal’s ‘philosophy’.
Anders Lindegaard – Wants out (to West Ham?) and completes an unlikely trio of goalkeepers in the stands.
Jonny Evans – After 131 PL games and three league titles for United, he is free to leave. Surely he can do better than West Brom?
Tyler Blackett – Played ten PL games last season. Thankfully for United fans, he’s unlikely to do so again.
Jesse Lingard – Started the opening game of last season at right wing-back. That sounds as mental now as it did then.
James Wilson – If you’re a Man United striker not on the bench now…
Jamaal Lascelles – Fourth-choice Nottingham Forest centre-half last season is fifth-choice Newcastle centre-half this season.
Gaël Bigirimana – £1m midfielder who last played a football match in August 2013. Rusty.
Mehdi Abeid – Looked more than decent last season but now on verge of Panathinaikos move.
Haris Vuckic – From the horse’s mouth: “It’s true, I’m going. I spoke with the coach who did not see me in his plans, so we all together decided that (was) the best way for me.”
Yoan Gouffran – Signed for just £500,000 and now very much available, along with Mike Williamson (who managed to sneak onto the bench once).
Jake Kean – Recently signed as third-choice goalkeeper.
Michael Turner – Astonishingly still a PL defender though apparently targeted by League One Sheffield United.
Tony Andreu – Scored a 23-minute hat-trick in a 10-0 win over Hitchin in pre-season. It somehow failed to convince Alex Neil he could thrive in the Premier League.
Elliott Bennett – Winger on the fringes; a Championship loan surely beckons.
Ricky van Wolfswinkel – Cost £8.5m and scored one PL goal. Last season he managed a massive five on loan for Saint-Étienne. On Monday he scored for Norwich’s Under-21s so we might yet see him in the PL again. The same cannot surely be said for the injured Kyle Lafferty.
Kelvin Davis – At 38 he will be glad of the rest.
Lloyd Isgrove – Played eight minutes in the opening game of last season. Unlikely to happen again any time soon with Jay Rodríguez, Sadio Mané and Dusan Tadic at the club.
Emmanuel Mayuka – No shirt number for the £3m flop who has failed to score in 16 PL games. The boss says “for Mayuka there is no future in the club”. Is there a future at any club?
Jakob Haugaard – Recently signed as third-choice goalkeeper.
Dionatan Teixeira – Last seen at the re-launch of Brazilian restaurant Bem Brasil in Altrincham. We wouldn’t recognise him if he punched us in the face. Neither would most Stoke fans; he played four minutes of PL football last season.
Phil Bardsley – The writing was on the wall when Glen Johnson signed.
Valentin Roberge – Centre-half still hanging around from the disastrous Roberto De Fanti days (though he doesn’t have a shirt number).
Wes Brown – “We’re only going to use him if we really need him,” says Dick Advocaat. We’d say you already really need him, Dick.
Ricky Alvarez – FIFA are investigating as Sunderland are really trying not to buy the Argentine international from Inter Milan for £8m.
Charis Mavrias – Winger still hanging around from the disastrous Roberto De Fanti days (though he doesn’t have a shirt number).
Will Buckley – A Championship player who Gus Poyet tried to convince us was Premier League class. See also Liam Bridcutt, who has at least been making the bench.
Gerhard Tremmel – Looks like substitute geography teacher (or substitute substitute Swansea keeper).
Stephen Kingsley – Scottish left-back relegated from League One with Yeovil last season.
Dwight Tiendalli – Third-choice right-back left out of pre-season tour.
Daniel Alfei – He’s 23 and has only played about three minutes of league football for Swansea.
Matt Grimes – Signed for £1.75m in January. Surely a loan beckons.
Michu – “He won’t be with the squad this year,” said Garry Monk, who is desperate to get the Spaniard’s wages off the books. He only cost £2m, you know. Did anybody mention it when he was scoring all those goals?
Marvin Emnes – No goals in 17 Premier League minutes last season. Bizarrely still only 27.
Federico Fazio – Mauricio Pochettino wanted Mateo Musacchio; he got Fazio. A year later he’s selling him to West Brom.
DeAndre Yedlin – Third-choice right-back who played once last season. He has 23 caps for the US. Yes, 23.
Alex Pritchard – He’s 22 and has played just seven minutes in the PL. The time is now.
Aaron Lennon – Training with the kids this summer. How did it go so wrong?
Andros Townsend – Seemingly nailed on for Roy Hodgson’s Euro 2016 squad even though he may never play PL football again.
Emmanuel Adebayor – He didn’t want to move to Aston Villa and now West Ham don’t want to pay him over £100,000 a week. We can’t think why not.
Giedrius Arlauskis – Keeper newly arrived from Steaua Bucharest.
Essaid Belkalem – Algerian centre-half who spent last season on loan at Trabsponsor. Literally never heard of him.
Tommie Hoban – “These are incredibly exciting times and we want to create something special here,” he said before the first game of the season. He hasn’t even made the bench.
Lloyd Dyer – Technically still a Premier League winger.
Connor Smith – An attacking midfielder, apparently.
Fernando Forestieri – Currently fourth-choice striker and very much available for transfer.
WEST BROMWICH ALBION
Sébastien Pocognoli – Belgian left-back very much available for transfer.
Christian Gamboa – “He (Tony Pulis) has always liked these two-metre tall defenders and likes to play with four centre-backs,” said the titchy right-back after playing just one minute of football under the Baggies boss. He’s still there. For now.
Liam O’Neil – Midfielder loaned to Scunthorpe last season.
WEST HAM UNITED
Doneil Henry – Canadian defender who played in the Europa League against Astra. He came recommended by Ryan Nelsen, apparently.
Morgan Amalfitano – French winger training with the kids after a ‘breach of rules’. You don’t cross Slaven Bilic when he might actually kill you.