Fountains of Wayne
There is only one place to start…and that is with The Sun and their player ratings from England’s humilating defeat to Iceland.
Were you labouring under the illusion that England were utterly sh*t? Did you think that captain Wayne Rooney was particularly sh*t? Did you think that there was a point in the second half when he had entirely forgotten how to play football and was almost a parody of sh*tness?
Certainly, the ‘ICE WALLIES’ headline on the back of The Sun suggests that they know about this sh*tness. They also call it a ‘pathetic failure’ and a ‘Euro horror show’.
Once again, we have to ask: What the f*** are they doing with that Opta data?
— James Dall (@JamesDallESPN) June 28, 2016
Maybe the answer to the question about what The Sun are doing with that Opta data is ‘giving it to Peter Schmeichel’.
This was the Dane in the Daily Mirror before the game: “I love Rooney in midfield. I’ve said this on many occasions. He could be the key and the difference between success and failure for England, he’s so important. I started to say it two years ago about him going into midfield and the funny thing about Twitter is you can gauge people’s reactions straight away… ‘What the hell are you talking about?!’
“Rooney can play the same role as Paul Scholes used to play, he’s developed the engine to get up and down and is getting better and better. To have someone with his ball skills, his vision in the game, to run the game, he sees stuff that no-one else sees.”
And so do you, big man.
‘Rooney became England’s record goalscorer under Hodgson but there is not enough quality around him to make it work,’ writes Neil Ashton in The Sun. Maybe it’s Ashton who ‘uses’ that Opta data?
It’s odd that Ashton is now bemoaning England’s lack of quality because before the tournament when he picked his preferred starting XI and wrote: ‘With this Christmas tree formation, England can win the Euros.’
If I could…
Wayne Rooney gets a very generous 6/10 from the Daily Mirror (using their eyes rather than Opta data) and Simon Mullock writes: ‘Scored his sixth Euros goal from the spot and did what he could.’
DID WHAT HE COULD? Misplaced passes, over-hit crosses, lack of any kind of basic ball control. He could and he did. And that apparently made him England’s best player.
The breakdown of a previously fat man
The FA need to reimburse every England fan that travelled to France for this pathetic effort.
— Neil Custis (@ncustisTheSun) June 27, 2016
Non of them should be allowed to play for England again
— Neil Custis (@ncustisTheSun) June 27, 2016
And yes, that is professional journalist Neil Custis.
For reasons unknown, The Sun decided to do a ‘Dele Alli watch’. And for reasons unknown, The Sun’s Mike McGrath decided to rate his ‘BODY LANGUAGE’. Because obviously he is a BODY LANGUAGE expert.
‘Definitely up for it – shame about the overall performance. Alli wants to be in the game and takes the kick-offs.’
Whoop-de-doo. Is that why he got 7/10?
Mediawatch cannot help thinking that the absent-minded McGrath may have missed out a word in his VERDICT:
‘He will surely learn from defeats like this but should be hung out to dry on this 90 minutes.’
Who’s that girl?
Poor Dele Alli. You know what you need after humiliating defeat to Iceland? You need a kiss from a WAG. Which WAG? Any bloody WAG.
‘Euro 2016: Dele Alli tries to get over England’s disappointing last-16 defeat to Iceland with kiss from WAG’ reads the headline on The Sun’s website.
There follows several pictures of Dele Alli kissing an actual woman, with captions like ‘Dele Alli comforted by WAG after England’s Euro 2016 elimination’ and ‘Dele Alli goes to see WAG after England’s humiliating Euro 2016 defeat’.
She obviously doesn’t have a name because she exists only as a WAG which, in case you had forgotten, stands for Wives And Girlfriends. Surely she can’t be a wife and a girlfriend? Surely she is a wife or girlfriend. Which would make her a…oh. Right. We see why they have stuck with WAG.
WAG update: The MailOnline have just ‘revealed’ that ‘Dele Alli’s stunning girlfriend is a 21-year-old lingerie model who has starred in a D&G campaign, parties in Marbella and bears a striking resemblance to Emily Ratajkowski’.
Thank f*** for that. The most intriguing question from England’s humiliating defeat has been answered, presumably after a root-and-branch review.
Now, who the f*** is Emily Ratajkowski?
Kidd A and B
Opening paragraph from Dave Kidd in the Daily Mirror: ‘IT WAS a night on which the most expensive English footballer in history failed to get the better of a journeyman Icelandic full-back currently operating for one of the worst teams in Sweden’s top flight. But it was a night though when £49million Sterling surely ought not to have been playing.’
Thirteenth paragraph from Dave Kidd in the Daily Mirror: ‘It seemed crucial for the player, and for England, that Sterling started brightly – with England facing a night of hard labour against a stubborn, deep-lying Icelandic defence. And when he won England a fourth-minute penalty, getting behind his full-back Birkit Saevarsson to meet a Daniel Sturridge centre…’
So what you’re really saying is that it was a night on which the most expensive English footballer in history made the only goal scored by England but you decided to pick on him anyway?
The Daily Mail’s Sami Mokbel tried his best to be fair to Sterling in a ‘STERLING WATCH’, while his colleague Rob Draper got it about right when he awarded him 5.5/10, making him England’s second-best player on the night behind Danny Rose.
Mokbel wrote about a ‘bright opening’, said Sterling had ‘made a telling contribution’, described ‘promising play’ and ‘positive running’, noting that there was ‘generous applause’ from the England fans when he was substituted.
The headline? ‘No boos but Raheem is still a loser.’
Well it’s technically true.
You’ve probably already seen it, but…
— BreatheSport (@BreatheSport) June 27, 2016