It's quite the offer from the Arsenal central midfielder. Over to you, Troy Deeney...
Watford striker Troy Deeney will serve a three-match ban after admitting a charge of violent conduct.
Maybe that's the bloody problem, Per. "I'm not a favourite of listening too much to other guys."
"Having a bit of cojones, I think the word is." Troy Deeney says what we're all thinking...
Here are the losers. A pair from Watford (including the captain), a Leicester striker and more...
"We respect all the competitions and we play all the matches in every competition to win. This is our way."
"He's our captain, like Watson and Gomes are our sub-captains," says Marco Silva.
Apparently Liverpool are not put off by The Ox's £35m price tag. Because they want £30m for Sturridge!
"I've got a lot of time for Troy," admits West Brom manager. But he knows Watford won't sell.
Who win more points when their captain doesn't start? Who is aimless without their on-pitch leader?
West Ham will use Deeney's words as motivation today as Bilic says his side weren't showboating...
Crystal Palace's best-paid player is on the same wage per week as Tottenham's. And Ozil > Sanchez.
Ramsey made a mistake. Dyche and Mackay would have "had strong words" had Deeney done the same.
"I think he will have the weight he has been carrying out of his head," says Watford boss.
Alexis Sanchez is doing okay...but there are six other PL strikers with a better conversion rate this season...
Since the start of last season, Marcus Rashford is the king. But who leads this campaign?
Slaven Bilic has denied Dimitri Payet's rabona cross was intended to embarrass Watford
Dimitri Payet has defended using skill against Watford, after being criticised for being 'disrepectful'
Ozil and Sanchez to sign new deals, Everton to make Deeney move, new Lingard and Zlatan contracts
They break records for Isaac Success, sign Christian Kabasele and Troy Deeney stays.
Deeney has ended speculation about his future by signing a new five-year contract with Watford.
Manchester United bid for Gomes and allow Herrera to go, Barca and PSG sniff around Coutinho
And no sign of Mark Noble. There is room for Michail Antonio and Troy Deeney, mind. Who is No. 1?
Troy Deeney says the decision to let head coach Quique Sanchez Flores leave the club is "crazy".
Watford captain Troy Deeney is determined to finish the season with a flourish.
Troy Deeney believes that Gabriel's tackle against him on Sunday could have broken his leg.
Which of the the Prem new boys have performed the best? We got Martin Laurence to put them in a team
"No, no. I don't change my players for anyone," says the Watford manager. He couldn't really say otherwise.
Oxlade-Chamberlain ain't leaving; Deeney ain't arriving, says Wenger. The Elneny deal has hit a snag.
Updates on Ter Stegen to Liverpool, Man City to Isco, £20m Deeney to Arsenal and Gareth Bale to United.
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