We asked The Guardian’s Sachin Nakrani what he would like to do for the award-winning Football365. Of course he answered that he would like to talk to minor celebrities who don’t really like football. Of course he did.
Hello Grumpy Skeletor, all good and grumpy on Snake Mountain?
“Well I’ve just woken up to discover Beast Man has shat the bed and Mer-Man and Trap Jaw are fighting over the last of the Shreddies, so it’s a pretty standard morning.”
Recovered from New Year yet? Bet you went to some belting parties …
“Not for me, sadly, as I had to get up early to lay siege to Castle Grayskull, so I just stayed in and watched When TV Goes Horribly Wrong 2 on the telly and wondered how I could get a gig at being one of the celebrities that give their hilarious take on exactly what you’ve just seen. I’d be fucking great at that, but they probably couldn’t afford me.”
Quiet night in, then. Marvellous. So, football…any interest?
“Yeah, I enjoy my football here in Eternia even though the standard is very poor. Saying that, it’s about 50 times better than the Scottish Premiership. I also like to keep half an eye socket on the English leagues.”
I imagine you’re able to organise some cracking five-a-side games on Snake Mountain – you, Evil-Lyn, Hordak on one side, He-Man and his mates on the other …
“Now and again. We can’t make jumpers for goalpost though, mainly because none of us wear any fucking clothes.”
What position do you play? You look like a centre-half to me; old-school, no-nonsense, ready to stick in a reducer if one is called for…
“Right winger. I like to think there’s a bit of Chris Waddle about me. I even copied his late ’80s look with the mullet. But I lost my hair along with my entire face when King Randor burnt it off with acid. The prick.”
What a prick indeed. Sorry to hear that Grumpy Skeletor. Anyway, back to your five-a-aides – bet you absolutely love beating He-Man in a kickabout. Is he any good?
“You know when you can just look at someone and immediately tell that they’re completely shit at football? Look at him. Go on. LOOK.”
Do you guys really hate each other? My sense is that deep down, you have a mutual respect for each other – the Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi of Eternia, if you like …
“Genuinely can’t stand him. I hate him more than I hate Mrs Brown’s Boys. Imagine that.”
Growing up on Snake Mountain who did you support as a boy, Skeletor? I’m guessing Manchester United…
“How dare you. I’m not THAT evil. AFC Bournemouth from 1989 onwards. Blissett. Aylott. Bishop. Teale. Peyton. Halcyon days.”
Did your dad used to take you to games?
“No I watched them from Snake Mountain with a massive fucking telescope.”
What do you make of the Premier League this season?
“Manchester City have it wrapped up and are a glorious team to watch. Kevin De Bruyne is evolving into one of the best players I’ve ever seen. His all-round game, especially his range and weight of passes, are a joy to behold. The race for the Champions League places will be as compelling as ever and any team in the bottom half of the table could get relegated. So it’s certainly not dull, unlike this answer.”
Forgive me for being presumptuous – but you come across as someone who would get on well with Jose Mourinho…
“What? A charismatic leader with a proven track record? Someone that deflects blame onto others when things aren’t going their way in order to hide their own personal shortcomings and failures? Yeah we’d get on great.”
Ever invited Jose up to Snake Mountain for a glass of red and some evil overlord chit-chat?
“Yeah – although I don’t drink alcohol. I stick to limeade Panda Pops.”
Bet you’re really excited about the World Cup this summer. Eng-ur-land! Eng-ur-land! Eng-ur-land! Am I right?
“I tentatively think England will get to the quarter finals. I think Gareth Southgate has quietly and effectively galvanised a young group of players that want to play for England, and did a great job in qualifying. Imagine the state of that side under Sam Allardyce.”
Quite. Dread to think.
Is there an Eternia national team?
“No. Eternia is a planet, stupid.”
My bad. Apologies. Anyway, that’s all from me Grumpy Skeletor, thanks for your time. Is there anything you’d like to ask Football365?
“Yeah. Any ideas on how to break into Castle Grayskull? I’ve been trying every day for over 30 years and it’s starting to get on my tits.”
Can’t help you there sadly. Bye!