The Page That Prefers Christmas

Date published: Monday 24th August 2015 1:16

The Page That Prefers Christmas

Party Like It’s 1999
‘Falcao was of little use to a club which once had a full house of League, Cup and Champions League,’ writes Neil Custis in The Sun.

The Colombian would also be of little use to Huddersfield Town – winners of back-to-back-to-back league titles – or Preston, who once went an entire season unbeaten. And the Royal Engineers would scoff at the very suggestion that a man who has scored 204 goals in 334 club games would merit a starting place ahead of Daniel Flash.

Decayed
‘There is an argument that modern-day strikers have a shelf life of ten years,’ writes Custis as he goes head to head with The Sun’s Rob Beasley, a Chelsea fan bizarrely suggesting that Radamel Falcao could be a ‘roaring success’ at Chelsea.

It is an argument, Neil. An argument currently being disproved by Luca Toni, Carlos Tevez, Antonio Di Natale and Miroslav Klose in Italy. Presumably, Custis would have absolutely no truck with United buying Karim Benzema or Edinson Cavani this summer as both of their careers are pretty much over now. As Wayne Rooney and Robin van Persie are also buggered after going past the fated ten-year mark, Manchester United fans had better hope James Wilson is really bloody good.

Trash Can City
‘Manchester City hero Sergio Aguero insists Man United talk is nonsense,’ is the top headline on the Daily Star football website at 12pm on Thursday. He also ‘rubbished talk of a stunning move to Manchester United’, it says here.

Of course, he never mentions Manchester United. Well, why would he? The ‘stunning move to Manchester United’ has only even been mentioned cheekily by Andy Cole, who clearly doesn’t realise that the Argentine has already had his ten seasons in football. It’s the scrapheap for you, gorgeous boy.

Fixtures And Fittings
The release of next season’s fixtures was described on Sky Sports News as “like Christmas, New Year and birthdays rolled into one” by the excitable Rob Wotton, who then reeled off Bournemouth’s fixtures to Tommy Elphick, who had to pretend he hadn’t already seen the list of matches like everybody else.

Mediawatch does not share Wotton’s excitement on this (a list of football matches in an order we did not previously know) or any other subject. Or rather we didn’t until we read this on the Sky Sports website:

‘Given that only one club has lost their first game of a Premier League season and gone on to win the title, as many as 10 clubs could effectively see their chances end on the opening weekend.’

They’re right; it’s f***ing massive.

More Balls Please
‘LOUIS VAN GAAL has been unmasked as a dressing-room “flasher”,’ writes Tony Little in The Sun, who calls it a ‘revelation’ from Mark van Bommel that Van Gaal once showed his balls to the Bayern Munich players.

No, Tony, it was a ‘revelation’ when Luca Toni first told this story in 2011. Now it’s a load of old balls.

Another Fine Mes
‘Arsenal star Mesut Ozil in no mood to pose for pictures as he is snapped leaving Los Angeles nightclub with two blondes’ is the big headline on the MailOnline, recently and cruelly stripped of their ‘Sports Website Of The Year’ title.

Single man leaves nightclub with two women. And he doesn’t want to pose for pictures. Worra knob.

Women: Overhyped
If we were given three guesses for the author of the following two paragraphs, we could have wasted the first two on Chubby Brown and Richard Littlejohn before arriving at the name of Martin Samuel of the Daily Mail

‘We live in an age when a Nobel laureate can be hounded out of office for some ill-advised remarks that generalised about both sexes, so who knows the sentence for an eye-roll on hearing that England forward Fran Kirby was compared to Lionel Messi by her coach Mark Sampson for beating one player in the penalty area, and toe-poking the ball in off a post.

‘Yet eye-roll away, kids. It was a stupid comment. Put in context, Kirby scored a well-taken goal under pressure – England would have been as good as out had they lost to Mexico – but that’s all it was. It is the hyperbole and phoney euphoria that is the biggest turn-off around women’s football.’

Couple of things, Martin.

* In almost every football team from Aruba to Arundel, one player is nicknamed ‘Messi’. Sometimes the moniker is ironic, sometimes it is simply bestowed on the smallest member of the squad and sometimes the player in question is just a little more skilful than his/her teammates. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT ANYBODY BELIEVES THEY ARE AS GOOD AS MESSI.

This is what coach Mark Sampson said: “We had to stay patient, we had to wait for our moment to score and then our little mini Messi, Fran Kirby found a way to put the ball into the back of the net.”

It takes a particularly wide streak of unpleasantness to translate that as Sampson ‘comparing’ the 21-year-old Kirby to Messi. You will note that Samuel did not actually include Sampson’s ‘stupid comment’ because of course that would weaken his argument.

* Yes, the problem with women’s football is definitely all the hyperbole. All we hear, all the time, from everybody, is just how sodding brilliant women’s football is. It has to stop. For the sake of poor, put-upon, middle-aged, middle-class, heterosexual white men everywhere.

Pointless
We have read and re-read this from Samuel – later in the same ridiculous piece – and we are jiggered if we can even vaguely understand his point.

‘Canada, the hosts, banged it repeatedly and aimlessly down the channels in their opening game with China, while England managed a single, tame, shot on target against France. Ivory Coast were simply overwhelmed by the gifted Germans.

‘So, that England can still win their group today by defeating Colombia, says more about the strength of the competition than standards of excellence…’

Nope. We’re baffled. We have absolutely no idea why Canada’s tactics and Ivory Coast’s capitulation to tournament favourites Germany in different groups have any bearing at all on whether England can finish top of their group.

England can still win their group by defeating Colombia largely because they are in an incredibly close group in which the South American side unexpectedly defeated France, ranked third in the world.

Samuel ends by saying ‘it’s fine to make that point’; we would agree if we had a clue what it was.

The Third Man
John Cross writes in the Daily Mirror, June 15: ‘Liverpool will go back with a renewed bid for Southampton’s England full back Nathaniel Clyne.’

Darren Lewis writes in the Daily Mirror, June 15: ‘Liverpool want £7million Charlton defender Joe Gomez.’

David Maddock writes in the Daily Mirror, June 17: ‘Liverpool will look to solve their right-back problem this week by increasing their bid for Nathaniel Clyne and completing a deal for Jose Gomez.’

That’s right. The Daily Mirror’s Merseyside man is back with a bang. Somebody else’s bang.

Intimate Surroundings
The Daily Express online’s CAPITAL-HEAVY headline: ‘Juan Cuadrado CONFIRMS Man Utd flop Radamel Falcao has JOINED Chelsea.’

The Daiy Express online’s opening paragraph on the same story: ‘JUAN CUADRADO has intimated Radamel Falcao’s move to Chelsea is a done deal.’

The Daily Express online: Where ‘intimated’ is a synonym for ‘confirmed’. Sorry, ‘CONFIRMED’.

Headline Of The Day
‘How, now Falcao?’ – The Sun. Genius.

Non-Football Story Of The Day
‘A Florida woman has been charged with engaging in sexual activity with her pit bull, according to cops who found photos of the canine encounters stored on the suspect’s cell phone. In the course of an investigation into the transmission of harmful material to a minor, police earlier this month searched the phone of Ashley Miller, an 18-year-old Bradenton residence, according to an arrest warrant affidavit.

‘In a folder titled ‘2-face fun,’ investigators found 17 photos of a ‘canine performing oral sex on an unknown white female.’ In a subsequent interview with cops, Miller acknowledged she was the woman in the photos and that she was being licked by her dog ‘2-face.’

‘Miller said that the female dog, which she has owned since 2006, has ‘licked her vagina approximately 30 to 40 times,’ police reported. Miller further explained that she ‘would call 2-face into her room, take her pants off, open her legs and 2-face would lick her vagina’. She added that a prior dog, named ‘Scarface’. also licked her on a similar number of occasions’ – Smoking Gun.

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