All I Need Is Everything
Last Tuesday Adrian Durham told an army of MailOnline readers that Jose Mourinho ‘needs to deliver another title for Chelsea and to do better than the feeble effort in the Champions League last season’. Mourinho was portrayed as ‘a man seemingly on the brink of losing control’ after his ridiculous outburst at Chelsea medics.
One week on and the stakes are now even higher. Durham writes: ‘He has to win everything this year to even begin to be forgiven by the Chelsea fans.’
Everything? The Premier League, the Champions League, the Capital One Cup and the FA Cup? Everything?
And for what must he be forgiven? Sorry, ‘even begin to be forgiven’? At what point has he ‘crossed the point of no return’ at which ‘it will take something special for Mourinho to recover from this’?
Has he wiped his hairy arse on a sheet of Chelsea A4 paper (laminated)? Has he been caught wearing the red of Arsenal while making sweet, sweet love to Matilde? Has he admitted that Stamford Bridge is, well, a bit sh*t really (“It’s no Anfield”)?
Nope. None of the above.
He substituted John Terry (who was sh*t).
Hanging’s too good for the dirty swine.
Death Of A Swordsman
‘Some have gone public on social media to declare that they dread his retirement more than their own death,’ writes Adrian Durham as he attempts to convey the seriousness of Jose Mourinho ‘breaking the bond between himself and the fans’ by, well, making a substitution.
Mediawatch has typed the words ‘John Terry’ and ‘death’ into Twitter as an experiment.
On August 16 – the day Mourinho ‘broke the unwritten rules at Chelsea Football Club’ – results included:
* ‘I’d love John Terry to burst into the studio and knife Quinn to death.’
* ‘I wish nothing but death on John Terry a disgusting example of a human being.’
* ‘Hate to say it I love him to death but John Terry has looked bad in the first 2 games and might be a changing out the guard to Zouma here.’
The latter was from a ‘DROGBA IS A LEGEND’. Mediawatch strongly suspects he may be a Chelsea fan. Which is odd as Durham tells us that ‘there is no split among the Chelsea fans’; every man jack of them thinks that Jose Mourinho must now win everything to ‘even begin to be forgiven’ for this betrayal.
Johnny Lower League
Forgive us but we cannot leave Adrian Durham without remarking on his highly original idea that Premier League managers ‘need to do some proper scouting of lower divisions instead of always looking overseas for signings’.
He cites Ashley Westwood as an example. That would be the same Ashley Westwood who has played in an Aston Villa side that has finished 15th, 15th and 17th since his arrival from Crewe in 2012. He may well be Premier League standard but only bloody just.
Oh and Westwood was signed in the same largely disastrous summer that then-Villa manager Paul Lambert also bought Matthew Lowton, Joe Bennett and Jordan Bowery from lower-league football. Two of those players are now at Burnley and Rotherham United and the other is unlikely to have a future at the club. The combined cost of that trio was roughly the same as the £7m Villa paid for Christian Benteke that summer; we suspect that they may be a tad happier with that purchase.
English Defence League
Ah balls. Still not done. Adrian Durham writes that he admires Brendan Rodgers and his ‘bravery for signing English players and picking them’. Which is bizarre because in April he wrote that ‘Brendan Rodgers has killed off (Rickie) Lambert’s career’.
We have thankfully finally finished with Adrian Durham but we do have to make a brief return to John Terry, with The Sun relying on ‘Chelsea insiders’ to tell us that Terry ‘will be back in the starting line-up against West Brom on Saturday’. Really? Bloody hell. We thought he would never play again. If only we knew any ‘Chelsea insiders’…
Oh and further up the page, Ian Wright says ‘fair play’ to Terry for coming out for the second half. What a brave soldier.
There is some wonderful revisionism in the sports pages and none more so than in the Daily Mirror, where chief sports writer Dave Kidd writes that ‘Jose Mourinho needs Chelsea more than they need him’, claiming that ‘very few of the world’s elite clubs would wish to employ a man capable of such frequent embarrassing petulance’. Which is presumably why he has been forced to slum it at Inter Milan and Real Madrid.
Kidd continues: ‘Mourinho correctly stated in May that retaining the Premier League title required strengthening and that last season’s championship-winning squad would not be good enough this time around.’
Two things, Dave…
a) What Jose Mourinho actually said in May was this: “Next season will be even better than this season and without big investments, because we don’t want to do that because we are happy with the players. Our group is top. The qualities are good. The most important thing in the market for us is not to lose players, I want to keep my players.”
Which is exactly the opposite of what you said. And…
b) Dave, you tipped them for the title. You obviously thought they were good enough too.
Perhaps Dave Kidd should have spoken to his colleagues Adrian Kajumba and Darren Lewis before he wrote that ‘there will be no stellar signings over the next fortnight to significantly improve Chelsea – Abramovich is intent on balancing the books in the transfer market and investing in stadium redevelopment’.
They might have told him that they were writing a story about Roman Abramovich being ‘ready to green-light a spending splurge’; it’s on the back page of his own newspaper.
Waiting For A Star To Fall
It has long been embarrassing to admit that you work for the Daily Star (a newspaper that publicly backed the English Defence League), but it must be doubly embarrassing to work for the Daily Star’s sports desk and then watch as the Daily Star sports website operates in its own vacuum of SEO-tastic, click-baiting, shameless nonsensery.
In that vacuum of SEO-tastic, click-baiting, shameless nonsensery, the Daily Star website tells us: ‘The Metro say that Abramovich has personally given the green light to the signing of Atletico Madrid star Antoine Griezmann.’
Click the link and the Metro – a burgeoning dictator in the transfer axis of evil – tell us that ‘Antoine Griezmann is reportedly set to be targeted by Chelsea once again in the transfer window, with Roman Abramovich sanctioning an opening bid for the Atletico Madrid winger’.
And where did they get that ‘report’? From the back page of the Daily Star, of course. Clearly, the Daily Star website believe the Metro website (and their army of churnalists) is a far sturdier source than the actual Daily Star newspaper. There is honour among thieves.
Gary Neville, 5 May 2015: “When I watch the other teams play it offends me that they are so defensively naive. It really does. I have to say that Chelsea are the best team by a mile. The rest of them need to adopt the traits of this Chelsea team.”
Gary Neville, 18 August 2015: “Over the past ten months, since Michael Carrick came back into the team in November, (Manchester United) have been the best defensive team in the league.”
Banter Of The Day
Bastian Schweinsteiger has been telling Bild about the high jinks in Manchester: “The English have a special sense of humour. This I immediately experienced in the dressing room. As I walked with two plates while eating, suddenly a teammate asked me ‘Basti, what time is it?’ – Hoping I would automatically turn my hand to look at my watch. That’s quite entertaining.”
To five-year-olds. And footballers.
Best (Or Worst?) Headline Of Day
‘CRUISIN’ FOR BRUGGE-IN” – We can’t decide whether The Sun are clever or stinking the place out.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
‘This is the horrifying moment a man finds a massive spider in his pulled pork sandwich – after already taking a bite. Car salesman Chris Eastwood dropped the butty and threw up after finding the huge arachnid squashed into the underside of the bun. He had bought the pulled pork wholemeal roll from a Greenhalgh’s Bakery shop in Bolton – but has vowed never to touch a packaged sandwich again.
‘Chris, 29, from Warrington, said: “I took a bite and then for some reason looked at the bottom of the roll and the spider was baked into it. I threw up in the bin as soon as I realised. I was lucky I didn’t bite into the spider, although I don’t know if I didn’t get a bit of its legs. It makes me feel sick – spiders are my one fear that I’m scared off. I’ll never touch a pre-packaged sandwich again.”
‘Chris, who lives in Warrington and works in Bolton, contacted Greenhalgh’s after making the horrifying discovery. He says a member of staff came to collect the sandwich and he has since been offered a £5 Greenhalgh voucher’ – Daily Mirror
Thanks to none of you. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting ‘Mediawatch’ in the subject field.