Spanish Thing

For the past couple of seasons the normally Barcelona-barmy Catalan press had been very much with the doom and gloom.

Dismal performances both on and off the pitch had left the normally happy-hearted hacks of 'Sport' and 'Mundo Deportivo' not just staring into the abyss, but hang-gliding into it.

However, their crestfallen frowns have been turned up side down by a summer with more dramatic movements than Wayne Rooney's bowels after a prawn balti.

Although a new season of Spanish football fun kicks off this weekend, with twenty teams embarking on another nine month Iberian odyssey, the less than objective Barça press is already suggesting that stumps should be pulled and the league title declared as theirs.

After all, their main competitors, Real Madrid, are a whopping waste of footballing space, says Sport's Xavi Torres who boasts that "neither their defenders, nor their midfielders, nor their strikers, nor their substitutes can look the blaugraunas in the eyes".

The paper's main argument for boldly predicting an eighty point winning margin for the Camp Nou club, is the appointment of Pep Guardiola as the new manager.

Back in the mists of May, Frank Rijkaard was packed off with a firm handshake from his bosses and a 'you'll never smoke alone' t-shirt from the local press - a fairly unsubtle suggestion as to how the Dutch coach relaxed after stressful days spent persuading Ronaldinho to put down the turkey twizzler.

In his place comes perky Pep, promoted after just one year in charge of the club's 'B' team. If Sport is to believed, Guardiola is a remarkable "combination of Cruyff, Robson, Van Gaal, Capello and Camacho".

This impressive faith in Guardiola's managerial talents seems to lie in the fact that the former Barça player has banned cakes from the dressing room and forced the footballers to have breakfast together.

However, there are considerably more reasons to suggest that Barça will be the team to beat than simply the removal of croissants from the club's menu.

On an institutional level, Barcelona have stabilised somewhat with club president, Joan Laporta, winning two votes of confidence from the fans. But only by the skin of his polished, white teeth.

The first poll, called by a disgruntled member, saw 60% of 'socios' voting against Laporta, suspicious - with good reason - that the president is merely using the club as a stepping stone to a future political career.

The handy scapegoats of Deco and Ronaldinho have been moved out and the club has splashed the cash wisely to bring in some reinforcements.

Dani Alves - perhaps the most entertaining player on the planet - comes in at right back / midfield / up front / in goal, with Villarreal's Martín Cáceres brought in to boost the central defence.

Sevilla's ranks were raided once again for central midfielder, Seydou Keita, whilst Arsenal was plundered for Alexander Hleb, although heads are still being scratched in Cataluyna as to why the money was not spent on snatching David Silva from Valencia instead.

Perhaps the biggest coup over the summer was keeping hold of mad Sammy Eto'o.

A combination of his enormous wage demands, lack of interest, a decent pre-season and a complete refusal to go to Spurs means that Barça are hanging on to one of the best forwards in the universe.

The biggest 'but' shape cloud hanging over the Camp Nou concerns the undeniable lack of experience of the new manager.

Guardiola may have all the respect in the world from his players and be a nifty tactician, but steering the good ship Barcelona is just as much about handling the expectations of 160,000 odd members, a billion journalists and a fairly fractious board.

Pep will need to win fast and win big at the beginning of the season or the club's fault lines could easily reappear.

Not a single day has passed this summer, without Real Madrid attempting to buy a player before being rejected in fairly humiliating fashion.

The latest clubs to join Manchester United in cocking a snook at Ramón Calderón's unwanted advances are Villarreal, who keep Santi Cazorla and Valencia, who have extended David Villa's contract and given him a handy pay rise to keep him in Mestalla.

To be fair to the capital city club, after two title wins in a row not too much tinkering was needed.

A wide-right midfielder and striker would have done them just fine. But, to date, they have failed to get either and are relying on the ageless Ruud Van Nistelrooy for another 'Pichichi' winning performance.

Real Madrid's main strength lies in the goal scoring potential of their Dutch-as-clogs midfield.

Wesley Sneijder was majestic for parts of last season, Arjen Robben looks like he is back to his best and new arrival Rafael van der Vaart, is more than capable of going into double figures, especially with his set-piece prowess.

Aside from the traditional big two, it's hard to see anyone else making a proper push for the league title.

The Spanish Thing is fond of the old clichés and feels that second placed Villarreal will find their Champions League duties too arduous to mount a proper league challenge.

Freddie Kanouté has claimed that Sevilla have their best squad ever and it's true that they have been outstanding in pre-season. However, the loss of Keita, Christian Poulsen and Alves will be difficult to overcome despite their promising replacements.

Atlético Madrid will be far too distracted by the thought of two games against Liverpool to strive for anything more than a Champions League spot whilst only a half-wit would many any predictions about Valencia's future.

And that's why The Spanish Thing predicts the outstanding new manager, Unai Emery, will be sacked by Christmas. Just for the fun of it.

The three promoted clubs, Numancia, Sporting and Malaga will all struggle to beat the drop. But they'll be in good company with Betis, Recreativo, Espanyol, Deportivo, Mallorca, Athletic and Osasuna all set to have sucky seasons.

**********

The Spanish Thing's - for heaven's sake, don't put money on these - predictions.

Top
1. Barcelona
2. Real Madrid
3. Sevilla
4. Atletico Madrid
5. Villarreal
6. Valencia

Bottom
18. Recreativo
19. Sporting
20. Numancia

* You can catch Tim Stannard on pundit duty this weekend on 'The Match', Real Madrid TV's La Liga preview show. Free to air on Sky digital channel 446 and available in all good book shops.