Spanish Thing

When Arjen Robben is lying flat on his back on a football pitch, it's normally time to call for all the king's horses and all the king's men. Or a hearse.

But at the stroke of midnight on Sunday, there was no need for anyone to put the Dutchman together again. For once, Robben was prostrate for a very different reason.

When the second most despised man in the Bernabeu called time on an incredible encounter, Madrid's wondrous winger slid to the floor in exhaustion having 'carried the team on his back' according to Marca, in one of the most insane comebacks ever seen since Johnny Rotten's 'cursing corpse' tour.

With Real Madrid 4-3 down on aggregate to Valencia in the Super Cup final, with two men sent off and just fourteen minutes to go, it looked like being a successive final defeat for Madrid having had their expensive arses handed to them the previous year by Sevilla in a 6-3 humbling.

But that was when the former Chelsea player decided to have what he later described as the game of his life to inspire his eight team-mates to score three goals in twelve minutes.

If you were being cruel - which the Spanish Thing is - you could say that Robben inspired his seven team-mates considering Raúl served up a performance so feckless even Madrid-mad AS gave him 'nul points' and described him as mediocre.

The flimsy footballers final flourish which lead to his dramatic collapse was a desperate injury time dash across the width of the pitch, dodging filthy tackles like a nun in a naturist STD clinic.

When Ruud Van Nistelrooy body-slammed him on the final whistle and Iker Casillas slung his team-mate's fragile frame over his shoulders, there was a sigh of relief in the Bernabeu. Nothing needed reattaching to the Dutchman's body.

Old glass legs had proved once and for all that on his day, he really is the footballing bee's knees. And old glass legs had proved that there could be life after Robinho.

Even if Madrid's newest boo-boy fails to raise the 45 million euros required to buy himself out of his contract - something Ramón Calderón is ordering the player to do - or if Peter Kenyon fails to bring the rogue Brazilian back to London Town, it's hard to see how the step-over king will be able play for Real Madrid ever again without a country-sized memory-wipe device being deployed.

Although Bernd Schuster put his challenging charge into his squad to face Valencia on Sunday night, "to keep him close to the team", Robinho neither warmed up before nor during the game.

Considering the less than rapturous response to his name being called out by the stadium announcer, it was a wise decision.

'F-off to Chelsea, you greedy sod!', and 'Traitor!' were just two of the insults yelled at the want-away winger from the angry mob. And Raúl.

On Friday, Robinho took the unusual decision to declare that his objective was "not to stay at Real Madrid next season" but instead, make a move to the loot-filled lair of the Premier League and Chelsea.

In a typically swift response which was unlikely to have involved consultation with his coaching staff, club president Ramón Calderón bellowed that the player would not be sold and would instead have to buy himself out of his contract as punishment for his "lack of respect to the club, its history and fans."

With both parties having backed themselves into corners, Bernd Schuster showed that he was the only one who had not temporarily taken leave of his senses by trying to stamp out the footballing flames.

"I expected it a lot sooner", confessed Schuster, on Saturday, when asked about Robinho's come-and-get-me plea to Chelsea. "But I'm convinced he'll stay", he added before going on to blame Robinho's agent for the whole messy affair.

As much as Calderón has attempted to whip the fans into a frenzy by blaming Robinho for the stand off, the Real Madrid bigwig - as always - is partly responsible for the whole barmy business.

During the ill-conceived and even more even ill-executed attempts to buy Cristiano Ronaldo, it was a poorly kept secret that Robinho would be flogged to the highest bidder to help the fund the move.

Unsurprisingly, Robinho - or more importantly, his agent Wagner Ribeiro - began to feel very unloved in the Spanish capital.

When Chelsea came a calling with a reported offer to triple the player's rather paltry two million euros a year salary, Robinho's head span round as if he was in the Exorcist.

While Calderón is now grumbling about the injustice of another team pestering his players, Real Madrid are caught in a sticky situation.

The club has one week to come to its senses by negotiating a deal with Chelsea for the players and take heed of the constant calls from Bernd Schuster by bringing in another striker.

Should the first happen without the second, then the German coach will throw an even bigger strop than his spectacular pre-season performance when he slammed his bosses for never telling him anything.

Brilliant as he can be when he puts his mind to it, Robinho would not be greatly missed by Real Madrid fans should he be shipped out to Stamford Bridge, assuming a suitable replacement is found.

At the age of twenty-four, the former Santos player can no longer be described as a promising youngster and his flashes of audacious skill he is undoubtedly capable of are all too rare.

"Robinho has only managed one good half of a season, the first half of the last one", writes AS editor Alfredo Relaño on his three years at the Bernabeu.

In that particular period the Brazilian put in some outstanding displays against Mallorca, Olympiakos and Recreativo. But that was the problem with Robinho. He rarely pulled off the performances in the really big games.

"I don't remember a great display in the Camp Nou, Vicente Calderón or in the Allianz Arena", complained Tomas Roncero in AS.

Fabio Capello would regularly scream at Robinho for attempting his step-overs on the half way line - not an issue he has with Wayne Bridge - whilst Schuster would grumble about Robinho's tendency to disappear for large chunks of matches.

Should Robinho move to Chelsea in what could be a British transfer record, then big Phil Scolari won't be getting his hands on player that can carry a team through difficult days - he has Deco for that - but he will be getting a footballer that the Brazilian coach says "can make a difference."

Off the pitch, Robinho is like a hyperactive, team-mate pestering child who once received a left-hook from Thomas Gravesen who grew tired of his antics.

On it, Robinho can be breathtakingly brilliant but those moments were too few and far between for Madrid to make a real fight of keeping him at the Bernabeu.


Tim Stannard

Follow all the Spanish action with Tim on his excellent blog