Not the Premier League

SPAIN 7 - ENGLAND 0

ENGLAND'S SHAME

England's qualification hopes hang by a thread after a pathetic display against Spain that saw Steve McClaren's hopelessly-outclassed side concede seven without reply.

Once again, questions will be asked about the technical ability and tactical awareness of both players and manager.

The match began disastrously for England when Michael Owen had to be withdrawn after just 90 seconds with a badly-sprained testicle. It seems very unlikely he will play any further part in the tournament - or in the bedroom - for some time.

The absence of his strike partner seemed to unsettle Wayne Rooney, who began charging into tackles, arguing with the referee and bellowing obscenities. He had already been booked for dissent as early as the fourth minute, and when he stamped on a disabled ball boy ten seconds later, the referee had no choice but to send him off.

"I thought the red card was incredibly harsh," said Steve McClaren. "But that is how these continental handicapped lads play. They make the most of every little thing."

A defensive howler from Rio Ferdinand, who appeared to be sending a text message as England lined up to defend a corner, saw Fernando Torres head home unchallenged.

And after just a quarter of an hour, the lead was doubled when Frank Lampard accidentally tackled Steven Gerrard in the England penalty area, with the deflected ball looping sickeningly over heavy-footed Paul Robinson, who was unable to get off the ground to tip it over.

When Joe Cole was dispossessed in England's six-yard box while ludicrously attempting to juggle the ball with his nose, David Villa slotted home easily to end the match as a contest.

John Terry wept openly as they trooped off at half-time but worse was to come.

After a dreadful two-footed tackle, Ashley Cole was lucky not to be dismissed but rather than accept this, he launched a tirade of invective at the referee, clearly shouting 'what's my name muthaf***er?' and apparently quoting lines from Kanye West's 'Stronger'. Even the referee was laughing as he gave him a second yellow for dissent. Cole left the pitch with what can only be described as a pimp strut.

A litany of individual errors and sloppiness continued throughout the match, but McClaren must also shoulder some blame for a naïve tactical display that saw Wayne Bridge and David Beckham used as wing-backs, but both on the right-hand side, leaving Spain to run riot down the left.

His much-vaunted dual sweeper system also proved confusing for Ferdinand and Terry, who were both constantly marking the same player, often an England team-mate, leaving Torres and Villa to score three each with ease. Ferdinand kept consulting a thick sheaf of notes throughout the game, seemingly trying to work out the system but to no avail.

Lampard was taken off and replaced by Shaun-Wright Phillips after an hour, in which time he'd had 35 shots at goal. None had found the target except for a cracking 35-yard volley...into his own net.

England fans booed their team throughout. At one point a pitch invasion looked likely but as later interviews revealed, the largely obese crowd 'just couldn't be arsed'.

The match descended into farce when McClaren withdrew Terry, who continued to cry throughout the second half and forgot to bring on a replacement.

"That is football," said a red-faced McClaren afterwards. "They just got the better of us on the day."

STEVE McCLAREN'S DAILY DIARY

This has been the worst day of my life, worse even then the time I was abused by a tramp with a banana as a boy.

Seven bloody nil! On reflection I shouldn't have played the new 2-1-5-1-1 system but I thought the players could adapt. Turned out I was wrong. They hadn't a bloody clue what to do and clearly hadn't listened to anything we'd told them even though we'd given them a 46-page dossier on how the system worked.

And their discipline was appalling. I tried to defend them in post-match interviews but God knows why, they don't deserve it.

But when I got back into the dressing room they were all laughing about it. Even JT's tears seemed to have dried up as he was taking the p*** out of me and my new umbrella. I told them there would be changes for the Greece game but they just laughed and told me to 'f**k off you ginger c**t'. I'm tired of their insults. It's like they don't care about England at all.

Back at the hotel Gary Neville took time off from his picket line to commiserate with me and we shook hands. I cried a bit but Gary slapped me and told me to be a man about it and to remember I was northern and not a soft southern sh*te. I felt better after that.

I put on a long black wig and a pretty Laura Ashley floral dress so I could get out of the hotel without the press spotting me. It was a good disguise. Brian Woolnough wolf whistled when he saw me.

I'm now in a mountain retreat that the FA had pre-booked for just such an occasion. Brian is also here. He's brought several bin bags of roasted meat and is sitting in his vest and underpants drinking goose fat out of a jug.

Bill Beswick will be here soon - he's going to hypnotise me for a few days so I can forget what's happened. Have still got the dress on. I like it.