Not the Premier League

England and their supporters have now seen it all: from triumph, despair, boredom and sexual arousal to acute horror, they ran the gamut of every possible emotion tonight.

The evening began in the most farcical circumstances with Germany taking to the field in the Ernst Happel Stadion, Vienna to face...nobody.

The England team of Bullard, Windass, Hargreaves and Che Ilyich Haile Selassie X - the player formerly known as Gary Neville, who has rejected his 'slave name' - had simply disappeared.

FA Head of Pork Brian Barwick and Director of Communispeak Adrian Bevington walked slowly to the centre circle. Barwick was distracted on the way by something that looked like a slice of ham on the pitch but in fact turned out to be a sticking plaster; he ate it anyway.

"I am sorry to announce that the England team have been taken hostage by terrorists," said Barwick.

"It appears that Al-Qaeda, working in partnership with Coleen Rooney and Cheryl Tweedy, have kidnapped the players," he added, sipping sadly from his jug of goose fat.

"Looking forward positively in a proactive forward-thinking manner, this is an opportunity for synergy with excellent client-facing solu..." began Bevington, but was cut off by Barwick hitting him over the head with a liverwurst saying, "going forward I will be beating you with blood sausage if you don't shut it".

Police had already received a communication from the kidnappers demanding that the following statement was read out over the stadium tannoy.

"For the glory of Allah - and Girls Aloud - we have taken hostage the English players and manager, praise be to Allah.

"The squad are in our clutches, and any attempt to rescue them will be met with merciless punishment to the footballers, including beheading or possibly having to watch Coleen's Real Women on ITV2.

"In their place, we demand that England, or The Little Satan as we like to call her, be represented by these players. And that a nuclear power plant - strictly for domestic not military use - be assigned to us."

At that moment, the England C**** XI took to the field to resounding boos from England fans. The match got underway and England were 1-0 down straight from the kick-off as Michael Ballack danced round Frank Lampard, who was seated on the edge of the area eating a skip of lasagne al forno, in preparation for his move to Inter Milan.

Ballack surged into the box and was brought down by John Terry who shouted, "take that you Nazi, although that's not to say that Hitler wasn't sometimes misunderstood". A penalty was awarded, which Ballack converted himself. Terry wept.

Minutes later, England were two down when the referee - who was wearing no fewer than six expensive German watches - awarded a second spot-kick, against Joe Cole for unnecessary and very clumsy stepovers. Ballack again did the honours, with Paul Robinson, dressed in a pinny and eating a bag of chips throughout, distracted by the deep fat fryers he had placed in the goal.

Goals three and four followed shortly afterwards, one an own goal from Ashley Cole who accidentally vomited on the ground, slipped in it and pushed the ball past Robinson and the other a third penalty, awarded for Jermaine Jenas having too many Js in his name.

At half-time, England were 4-0 down and it could have been worse if Podolski had not been queuing at Robinson's fryers with Lampard and Rooney for double cod, chips and mushy peas when Lahm crossed dangerously.

Kevin Keegan's half-time analysis was incisive:

"It's touch and go light the blue touch paper but England don't want to retire. England have to get the German forwards in their pockets but if they're not careful they'll be getting out of the pocket and into the frying pan. There's only one way this can go and that's the way it'll go. The only thing you can predict is that you can't predict it and even then you could be wrong."

England were in total disarray, as was the BBC's expensive but hapless coverage.

On the pitch Ray Stubbs and Marcel Desailly were inexplicably dressed as the Von Trapps and performed a version of 'The Hills Are Alive' while Garth Crooks recited Wittgenstein. This was followed by a five-minute film essay on the use of symbolism in European cinema of the 1930s presented by Adrian Chiles dressed as a badger.

Commentators Motson and Lawrenson arrived just before kick-off, the ex-Liverpool defender sporting a pie-shaped black eye and looking dazed and flustered. Onlookers said Motson had clearly been crying and was clutching a morsel of sheepskin coat.

In the studio the half-time analysis was disrupted when Sam Allardyce appeared behind pundits Hansen, Shearer and O'Neill, drinking from a bottle of furniture polish, making obscene hand gestures and beating on the glass with his fists.

The team tried to ignore him, which only seemed to enrage Allardyce further. He finally threw what initially looked like a small monkey but turned out to be Peter Reid wearing a crash helmet through the glass, sending him hurtling into Lineker's face, knocking the perma-tanned bland man off his seat.

Shearer piped up: "He'll be disappointed with that," and grinned. Reid hit him in the face.

"Power, passion, pace, puss, puke, petrol," said Hansen admiringly, as Reid started regurgitating flammable liquid, like a drunken Scouse seagull. A massive explosion ripped through the studio.

After the interval, with England fans already streaming for the exits, an extraordinary tannoy announcement gave them new hope.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we're pleased to announce that the England team have managed to escape from captivity.

"Al-Qaeda apparently lost heart in the mission and gave up, saying they never realised anyone could be as evil as the footballers and their WAGs, who they have now dubbed 'the G-String infidels'."

The team had evidently managed to lure Coleen Rooney with an expensive shoe, overpowered her and got the keys for the toilet in which they had been locked. UEFA immediately gave special dispensation and allowed 11 substitutions.

The original England squad and their WAGs were detained against their will by the McDonald Escort kids and were last seen rutting, apparently unconcerned and oblivious to the football.

And so the second half began, with Jimmy Bullard's England 4-0 down against a rampant Germany side which seemed to have the match, and certainly the referee, in their pocket.

CHECK BACK THIS AFTERNOON FOR MORE

John Nicholson and Alan Tyers