Not the Premier League

NEWS UPDATE...WITH GARY NEWBON...NEWS UPDATE...AND ELTON WELSBY...NEWS UPDATE...WE CAN STILL DO A JOB...NEWS UPDATE

Luiz Felipe Scolari is completing final preparations for the season by taking the team away on a three-day bonding, organisation and random acts of casual violence camp.

Football365 understands that the no-nonsense coach has moved the Chelsea squad into one big house where they will all live together for the duration of the season. Wake-up call is at 5am and players are put through a punishing fitness regime involving running, free weights and smoking.

It is understood that Scolari regards smoking as an essential quality in a player and is suspicious of any abstainers. Any player not able to smoke a cigarette while bench-pressing a 75 kilogram weight has been told that he may find first-team opportunities limited.

Food is strictly rationed and portions are decided by a complicated pecking order based on talent. Those at the bottom receive just a few scraps. Wayne Bridge has reportedly become dangerously thin and gone semi-feral, escaping the compound and attempting to break into a nearby Tescos. Fortunately, he was caught and thrashed soundly.

Ashley Cole has already been grounded for sneaking a woman back to his room; a crime for which he was punched hard in the face by Scolari, always the strict disciplinarian. He is thought to be considering chemical castration for the more sexually-driven members of the squad. "I am the boss, not your c**k," he is thought to have told the squad.

In other news; in a desperate attempt to improve Liverpool's finances the club have joined forces with Aldi to open a special store dedicated to selling LFC merchandise in 'an appropriate environment'.

Gillett and Hicks consider this potentially a huge money spinner. As part of a community out-reach programme, the club's players will do part-time work in the Anfield store. "It's what I always dreamed of," said a delighted Jamie Carragher.

A special range of club merchandise has been made. It's anticipated that the Torres Tampons will be a big seller along with the Stevie G Strings, Carra's Cough Drops and Reina Reindeer Meat.

FOOTBALL THIS WEEK ON THE BBC

Playing Around! BBC1, Saturday, 7.30pm

Brand-new prime-time talent show, on for the next 37 weeks, where ex-professional footballers go head-to-head to see who's got the funniest golfing anecdotes. Gary Lineker gets the ball rolling (!) with a classic yarn about Big Al and Lawro at Wentworth, when Al only went and shanked one into the trees on the final par three. With Mylene Klass and Kris Akabusi.

LONELY365

A new personals column for football folk

Manchester-based manager, lovely great big thighs, left everything for exotic new partner, turned out to be a pack of lies. Enjoys long walks, kicking things. You: non-controlling, financially secure, Welsh-curious. NO Thais.

Big Sam & Reidy Go Scouting

We got an urgent phone call from Kevin Keegan as he'd heard about the top class rat-catcher keeper me and Reidy had found in the burger van and he's only asked if we can find him a decent striker, which was a bit of a cheek really after I'd got the sack there for just being me, what with me being top class and provably so with statistics and that.

But a job is a job so we fired the motorbike and sidecar up right away and headed north pausing only to fill up our optics with liquid mercury (strawberry flavour) and to fit windscreen wipers to my face.

I said to Reidy that you always used to be able to shout down a mine and up would come a Number 9 for Newcastle United and so we should try that as I'm a big believer in tradition.

So we rocked up at a windswept place full of fat people called Easington Colliery in County Durham assuming that there must be a pit there, like. Reidy said it looked as though someone had let off a nuclear bomb 'cos it was all so devastated. I had to point out to him that had he not just insisted on lighting one of his petroleum-based farts, the devastation would have been considerably less widespread.

I took a look around and unusually felt slim, virile and athletic. I consulted Prozone and discovered that Easington is the fat capital of England. Turns out I'm a size small here. Class! This is the sort of inside info that keeps me ahead of the game; and ahead of some big fat lads who started to chase us on seeing we had a working motorised conveyance and clothes not bought from Primark.

We shook them off by Reidy doing his trick of vomiting up fire bombs, and we'd just got away when we found an abandoned mineshaft so we shouted down it just in case and were surprised when a voice called back.

I dognapped a passing whippet and lowered Reidy down the shaft. I could tell negotiations were going well as the fumes from Reidy's best high grade lighter fluid that he saves for special celebrations wafted up in great clouds. Ten minutes later he emerged with a signed contract. I pocketed the fag packet and pulled the bloke up with him holding the whippet's legs.

He was a big lad who had fallen down the abandoned mine shaft while out on the lash a week ago. We sympathised, gave him a pint of our mercury and put him on a three-year deal. We celebrated by roasting the dog over an abandoned burning Ford Sierra. Then we strapped him on top of Reidy's sidecar and took him up to St James' Park and left him drinking in the Strawberry while we nipped down to Parson's factory to buy some decent turbine lubricants to slake our thirst proper like.

When we got back the bloke had passed out drunk, so we dragged him by the legs into St James' Park. Kevin said he looked a bit out of condition, but he would go straight in the first team as he was still fitter than Mickey Owen.

I consulted Prozone and discovered that any fat, drunk Englishman (subterranean or otherwise) is 25% more fit than Michael Owen at any time. Proof once again of my class at spotting talent. Kevin was well pleased with us and to celebrate, we all had a go at thumping Joey Barto,n who was strapped to a table to keep him out of bother. After he'd passed out from an especially good haymaker what Reidy thrown, we left pleased with a good day's work well done.

POLL:

We Asked What Would You Buy From The LFC Aldi?

37% said Sexy Stevie G-Strings (assorted colours)

23% said a Robbie Keane somersault and pepper set

20% said a Jermaine Pennant tracking device.

19% said a stick-on Rafa style beard

1% said Frank Lampard.

Get your 1% Said Frank Lampard t-shirt here

Alan Tyers and John Nicholson