Not the Premier League

At a surprise press conference this morning Peter Crouch announced he has developed a team of disco-dancing robots, programmed to mimic his own dance routines.

"People think I stopped doing the robotic dancing after the World Cup but I've been doing it in private ever since; I love it; it is my calling in life," said an emotional Crouch dressed in tight-fitting Lurex dungarees and blue eye shadow.

He confirmed that he will be performing with the robots at half time for Portsmouth and it already booked onto the series of Strictly Come Dancing.

Manager Harry Redknapp was stoic.

"As long as the robots do the golf we'll not have a problem. I like a robot, for sure. After all, Marco Boogers, Di Canio and John Hartson, I signed them and they were all robots, so I'm used to dealing with them. In my experience you need to keep their batteries charged up otherwise they turn into mad fascists and start kicking people in the head, which incidentally is what England needs to be doing Mr Capello!"

In his post-match press conference on Sunday Phil Scolari let slip that he won £5million off Frank Lampard in a game of cards.

"I will not rest until he is bankrupted," he said with a relaxed smile. "All that money just for eating and running around, no, it is wrong. I give his money to tramps instead. They deserve it more."

Meanwhile at Arsenal, the injury crisis that permanently afflicts the club got worse this weekend when during a vigorous post-match massage, Kolo Toure's leg was amputated at the hip. "He'll be back in two or three weeks," said Wenger confidently.

After his thrilling performance at the Olympics closing ceremony, during which David stood around, smiled and kicked a ball once, he confirmed this was the best game he'd played for four years.

HE WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN (OR I HAVE YOU KILL)

Roman speaks.

'My lovely Sheva boy go bye bye from Chelsea but I am not sad. More I am angry that my Shevpot turn out to be load of old cobbler with us at Stamford Bridge. Why? It is obvious. I blame the pig fart Mourniho and I crush him someday soon like salt in Siberian mine. But let us remember instead the good time Sheva gave: like on boat when he laugh at my jokes, and that time in Director Box when we make cartoon drawing of Mourinho in matchday programme with big horse prick up his fundamental. Great time. Bye Sheva.'

BBC TV ONE TO WATCH

In lieu of any football, and in recognition of the thrilling exploits of our heroic gold medal-winning cyclists, Adrian Chiles introduces Keirin Of The Day II (BBC1, 10.30pm). The BBC were so blown away by the interest in people riding around on bikes that they have made it a Core Value of their Blue Sky Inclusivity Goals (Sports and Diversity) for the next four years. Now British sports fans can follow each and every race in the build up to London 2012 only on the BBC (unless Sky come in with an overbid). Tonight: action from the McVities Velodrome, Stourbridge. Plus: back in the studio, Michael Johnson makes Gabby Logan do a lady sex wee merely by raising an eyebrow.

DO I MAKE YOU HORNY BABY?

THOUGHT OF THE DAY WITH ASHLEY COLE

'I seen this girl in a club, dressed provocritiv porkrottin progrocki like a slut and it made my little ticket go well hard like it was all bling bling blud and so I done ur-ur-ur but then i felt ill and i done sicky all over her and the car and Anton Ferdinand but it was all ok cos of the money.'

SPECIAL K

Kevin Keegan reflects on another good weekend for Newcastle United:

'It's been a good start but I've just told them in there that I won't stand for any player going behind my back right in front of me and if they can't stand the heat in the kitchen they should get out of the dressing room.

'As it says in the bible, sometimes scoring is harder than getting a haystack through the eye of a needle. I've always said yeah, the meek shall inherit the earth but in football you inherit nothing if you're meek so I don't know why they said that but I'm not y'know I'm not Jesus and that's what I've just told the players.'

FOOTBALL LONELY HEARTS

Shy lad, Birmingham area, trapped in abusive relationship with livewire Northern Irishman. WLTM American daddy. I am neat and tidy and will take care of your every needs in multiple positions.

POLL:

We asked Disco Robots? Are they the future?

63% said 'I'm already in love with one.

23% said 'Robots frighten me'

10% said 'Disco robots? What the hell have you been smoking?'

3% said 'I'm part of a covert disco robot army already.'

1% said 'Frank Lampard.'

Alan Tyers and John Nicholson