Not the Premier League

England News
An England media conference was stunned on Sunday when Fabio Capello dismissed criticism about England's laboured victory over Andorra by saying, "What? It was just a practice game. Why you care so?"

When it was explained that the match was actually England's opening qualifying fixture for the World Cup, the Italian laughed heartily and said: "That shower? They make me smile. But now I definitely kill Joe Cole for disobeying order. I stick knife right down throat."

Wayne Rooney, meanwhile, is to be disciplined by the furious head coach. "He must write for me an essay on Kandinsky in Bauhaus," explained Capello.

"And I tell you this, you can't always get what you want, and if he tries that 'oh Kandinsky was a constructivist at root' rubbish one more time, well, it is not going to be pretty."

It is thought that the Italian is planning wholesale changes for the important clash with Croatia in midweek, including possibly a whole new set of players or even running away screaming as the full horrific nightmare of the task he has taken on becomes clear.

In Other News
Ricardo Fuller to present TV show about the planet called Fuller's Earth.

Rooney implicated in human-potato hybrid gene scandal.

Gareth Bale's DNA is 'mostly chimpanzee'.

Cheryl Cole's vagina 'just fell off' says a heart-broken Ashley: Divorce imminent.

Terry: Pleading eyebrows are fake!

Dennis Wise: Nasty Little Cockney (football) Not Evil Says Wise (evil)

Gerrard's groin injury caused by ill-fitting LFC Stevie G-Strings: Official.

Five's football presenter Colin Murray marries Pat Nevin.

Jewell's Journey
Viewers of Saturday's X Factor were shocked to see Derby manager and part-time stand-up comedian Paul Jewell performing Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive' and even more shocked to see him get through. Simon Cowell grinned, winked in slow motion and smiled munificently at a video of himself in which he was depicted as a God dispensing hope to hoards of desperate losers for whom this was inevitably their 'last chance' before an early death at the hands of their grotesque fat relations what with them being no good at anything and that.

"They told me to say I've been on an incredible journey and that it's been a fantastic voyage," said a tearful Jewell as a piano played mournfully in the background, "And I said what, you mean like in the movie where they got shrunk down and injected into someone's bloodstream? I said, I've just sung a song mate, I might get on your nerves, but I'll never get in your veins! Boom, boom! c'mon! Ow that hurt!"

As he spoke a mentally sub-normal fat girl repeatedly punched herself hard in the face after being told she couldn't sing by the grunting, remedial class songbird Cheryl Cole.

Curbs Speaks Out
"Erm...Out?"

More big, big news from Curbs as we get it.

Lawro And Motty's Big Year Off
"So here we are Mark. A nice little ground this."

"School playing field, you mean."

"He he. Yes indeed. Well, England are playing in Croatia this week but here it's the big clash between Hall Road Juniors and Holy Trinity Under Sevens."

"Big is right John. Have you seen the size of some of these kids?"

"He he. Yes I think we could say that these two sides have a bit of presence about them."

"The kid in goal has got a massive beer gut, John."

"Yes, according to my statistics Mark, Hall Road's goalie is actually the fattest six-year-old in the world. He's 25 stone, not seven until next month and he's got "drinking Guinness' down as one of his hobbies. My word, that's just not healthy is it Mark?"

"Big fat bastard."

"He he. He's certainly carrying some timber."

"He's carrying the whole bloody forest, that one."

"Well we're under way, but the game lacks pace. There's a slow build-up from Hall Road. Too slow to be effective would you say Mark?"

"Ridiculous, they're all too fat to run John. Half of them look set to pass out with the physical effort."

"Well on the bright side, it's not the usual kick and rush you see at this level."

"This lot couldn't rush if you put 40,000 volts through them."

"Oh look at that! That's a terrible collision Mark."

"That's horrific John. Blubber everywhere."

"The Holy Trinity centre half is in a bad way there, there's lipids all over the place Mark.'

"That's not fatty acids, John, it's tomato sauce off the hot dog the kid was eating as he waddled along with the ball."

"Ah yes, well spotted Mark. But wait, what's this? Oh there's someone on the pitch Mark. I think it's the centre half's father."

"He looks like a right bruiser."

"He looks like a right whale, Mark. A southern right whale, I believe, which is mostly found in the Atlantic off the Cape."

"My eyes, look at the tattoos on him. He's like a symphony of brutal colour, John. Imagine those arms pinning you down to the zed bed."

"He he, Yes he looks like he might have a short fuse. Oh! He's hit the referee Mark. We don't want to see that."

"I quite like it. Good left hook that."

"Well he's not happy with how his son's been treated but I must say this is totally out of order. I think the FA will have something to say about this."

"Look John, most of the kids have lay down and gone to sleep."

"You're right Mark. You don't see that very often."

"They're exhausted John. It'll be their blood sugar. Look, here come their parents."

"Well now we've seen everything in this incident-packed game. But surely they shouldn't be feeding these lads chips and burgers to revive them? That's not in the coaching manuals is it?"

"It is in the ones sponsored by McDonalds John."

"I think you may be right Mark, he he. Well there'll be no more action here today Gary so it's back to you in the studio. Oh."

POLL
We asked: will England get a result against Croatia?

23 per cent said yes

22 per cent said, yes but that result will be a defeat

20 per cent said they didn't care as long as Wayne Rooney didn't attempt any more art history

19 per cent said Beckham was the answer

15 per cent weren't sure what the question was though

1 per cent said Frank Lampard

John Nicholson and Alan Tyers