Not the Premier League

Strictly Big Sam & Reidy Come Dancing

Having been one of the world top football managers, on Saturday I set out on my journey to become the world's best dancer. I'd been rehearsing my Cha-Cha-Cha all week with this little Danish lass. Well, I kept throwing her against a wall and on one occasion, out of the window. But she's like a dancing Kev Davies, you can knock her around as much as you like and she just keeps coming back for more, and I told her that like but she didn't even know who Kev was! Unbelievable!

Anyway, turns out I'm brilliant at dancing. "You move like a spastic pig," said Brucie, so I was well chuffed with that 'cos he's worked with Sammy Davies Jnr.

Reidy flew in from Thailand, special like, to give me a bit of support and also some of my favourite edible Thai spiders. When he saw me in my cerise-coloured sparkly see-thru' shirt he thought it was all a bit homo, then he saw the women and changed his mind. I had to drag him out of Tess Daly's dressing room as he was hiding on top of a wardrobe hoping to get an eyeful of her in the nuddy like which shows how excited he'd got as he normally has no time for women; he says they're not as hard as men and they won't drink drain cleaner.

It was a long show and Reidy was worried about not being allowed proper refreshments for maybe up to two whole hours so I filled up a fire extinguisher with a brake fluid, Blue Curacao and Tabasco cocktail. Reidy likes nothing better than hosing drink into himself and he was very happy with what I done there.

Using my top-class tactical knowledge I decided we should take a physical approach to the show much I did at Bolton so successfully against Arsenal, so I trod on Heather Small's foot, done an over-the-top challenge on Rachel Stevens and dished out a decent elbow into Gary Rhodes' face. Got in their faces early doors as it were.

We started the routine with a long run and knee slide like I had scored a goal, which was clever I thought even if I did tear two massive holes in my pants doing it. They reckoned I had good feet for a big man. The little gay fella said "You're a big brute, aren't you?" which I thought was well observed, like. All in all I was great.

I see Cherie Lunghi as my only rival as she's been a top-flight manager on the telly just like me.

I was confident I'd do well but to make sure I got my lad Craig to meet the judges in a near-by Little Chef car park to dispense a cash incentive so it was no surprise when I topped the scoreboard.

Reidy went wild and started leaping from table to table and had to be knocked down with a big stick by Brucie who was obviously annoyed by Reidy shouting out 'cuddly toy' all time, as he was having a brake fluid flash-back and thought it was the Generation Game. I told them to keep a stun-gun on hand for next week.

After I won the phone vote - thanks to the special repeat dial machine our Craig had bought off Simon Cowell - I checked Opta stats and was delighted to see I had gyrated my hips during the Cha-Cha-Cha with 26% more thrusting than Bestie did on ANY Miss World. It's this kind of top-notch virility that has put me where I am today; in a diaphanous pink Lurex shirt, eating spiders, about to have a fist-fight with Kat Slater off EastEnders.

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Special K

I've always said you have to play to your strengths and my strength is, y'know, not playing to my strengths necessarily all the time, and I like to keep one eye on the pot and another up the chimney because, as everyone knows, a hand in a bird is worth two when you're counting your chickens hatching at the end of the day. As long as you know where the corner is, if you like, you can always turn it even it's the road to nowhere or further or even. If you like, the road to hell and that's what I just told them in there, in the dole office.

Jamie's Highlights

Inside Jamie Redknapp's top London salon, Jamie offers football wisdom while performing high-class hairdressing on media stars.

"Yeah well, me and Louise are big fans of the bubble perm and I think it'll suit Tony Cottee very well really, Richard. Sit still TC, he's a cheeky little monkey isn't he, heh heh, you're tiny ain't you. Yeah I saw the games at the weekend and Chelsea are a top side Richard, yeah, I'll just put these rollers in TC. Yeah, Chelsea are a top, top side Richard. Just applying your lotion TC, you alright there? Want a coffee? Going anywhere nice this weekend? West Ham? Lovely. My dad managed them y'know... yeah, true story. Yeah so Chelsea they're a top, top, top side Richard, top. And wiv Fwank and the boys all with my perms, that just confirms what I've always said Richard, you know, they're a top, top side. There you go TC look at that. What a bubble perm that is, top, top quality. Why are you crying TC? It's a top, top perm that; it's the Chelsea of perms in fact. He-he. Yeah. Top...top.

POLL

We Asked Which Player Or Manager Would You Like To See With A Bubble Perm??

51 % said John Terry

21% said Gary Neville

15% said Rafa Benitez

12% said Craig Bellamy

1% said Frank Lampard

Alan Tyers and John Nicholson.