NEVILLE ON THE FALL OF CAPITALISM
AFTER MANCHESTER UNITED'S game on Saturday, Gary Neville held court with assembled media and delivered an in-depth analysis of the current global financial crisis using references to Marxist theories of commodity fetishism, the Hegelian dialectic of the Absolute Idea and Adam Smith's labour theory of value.
"But what about Bortkiewicz's allegation of an internal inconsistency inherent in Marxism?" asked The Sun's Neil or possibly Shaun Custis.
"Ask me that again once you've read Das Kapital and Theories Of Surplus Value," said Gary. "Surely even you realise that unbridled capitalism becomes a kind of mythology, ascribing reality, power and agency to things that have no life in themselves, Neil or possibly Shaun?"
The Manchester United full-back then unveiled his new clothing line, a range of Musketeer-themed clothing.
"'All for one and one for all' is the philosophy at the core of collectivised labour politics and of a defence capable of conquering Europe," said Gary, removing his regulation shiny footballer suit to reveal a puffy shirt. The Bury-born battler also donned a feathered hat.
The Gary Neville D'Artagnan fashion range is available from all good workers' co-operatives and from Gary's stall at Bury market every Wednesday.
INTRODUCING OUR NEW GUEST BLOGGER
I've supported Newcastle all my life and I am sick of all the journalists and newspapers having a go at us and stirring things up because Newcastle United Football Club deserves to be treated with more respect and it's all a big conspiracy and I tell you who the worst are like it's Geordies that go down to London to join The Media and forget their roots all sitting around eating biscuits with Rupert Murdoch and working out what lies to spread next they are and it's like when Sting reinvented himself to please his new mates on the London scene and forget where he came from so I say Newcastle United Football Club would be just fine if it wasn't for the likes of Sting.
Trugeordie
ENGLAND NEWS
John Terry has been stripped of the England captaincy by Fabio Capello and left out of the squad for the upcoming World Cup qualifiers.
"His lack of basic understanding of pointillism and ignorance of the finer aspects of abstract impressionism was the final straw," said the art-obsessed Italian gaffer. "And frankly, he's not that good at the football, as you all know who have eyes and not how you say, up his arse. Yes?"
Capello has given a first cap to Caleb Folan, who he called "one of England finest young conceptual artists".
"Caleb's 'Frozen Blood Cock: Resurgence' was a deeply moving piece of sculpture," said Capello. "His heart is like a diamond, but sadly he throws his pearls before swine."
With players now seemingly selected on their passion for the arts, Capello has made Gary Neville captain after being impressed by his Soviet-style revolutionary poster work.
Michael Owen is thought to have tried to get into Capello's good books by doing a painting of his favourite horsey, Gerald.
"It was representational rubbish!" said the angry Italian, after being asked by the press to justify his failure to pick the goal poacher.
"For me, representational art is base and crude and strives to merely confirm reality rather than test its boundaries. Also, the man is a goblin whom I dislike intensely."
Capello left the press conference on a pogo stick, waving a side of ham in the air and declaring it to be an "art happening" about "the dynamics of death and also the importance of having a big man up front".
CLARIFICATION
Last week's article suggesting that Steve Bruce is a woman called Brenda was factually inaccurate and misleading. In fact, Mr Bruce USED to be a woman; his birth name is Cindy Queem, he was formerly a showgirl. We apologise for any confusion.
POLL
We Asked: So Who's To Blame For The Collapse Of Capitalism?
33 % said Kirsty and Phil for inventing house porn and making people think they have an innate right to own a house even though they're on minimum wage and spend all of that on fags.
25 % said me.
23 % said it's something to do with Simon Cowell I think. Everything else is.
15 % said Chelsea. Definitely.
3 % said Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! Out! Out! Out!
1 % said Frank Lampard.
Alan Tyers and John Nicholson
Your Comments
the_dude2
"i meant daily, not aily!!!!"
the_dude2
"Well, Fat Frank was responsible for the fall of Communism in Russia, maybe he has decided to bring down the West now too. Maybe he wants world domination, when we are all on our knees eating linseed oil and lard, Frank, and his Uncle 'arry and his top top off-spring Jamie, will announce a new world order! Dodgy cockney accents and aily shirt badge kissing will only be the beginning"
nutboy
"The collapse of capitalism is directly rel;ated to the recent rise in the price of staple food stuffs, wheat, rice soya, milk etc...
Therefore anyone eating too much is at fault. Cause: Fat Frank - Effect: We are screwed
"
footyman22
"aha!! Fat Frank is somewhere responsible for the collapse of capitalism!!! Next he will be responsible for Cashley Cole puking in the backseat of some's bird's car...."
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