No room for Samassi Abou, Marcus Allbäck or Thimothée Atouba, but there's space for a few current Liverpool players as we kick off our all-time Premier League alphabet XIs controversially with A...
Goalkeeper: Manuel Almunia
When we last did these alphabetical teams way back in 2003, we must have had Pegguy Arphexad in nets, so we're rather thankful that the Spaniard has since been plucked from relative obscurity to become Arsenal's - and some would say even England's - No 1. Pete Gill is obsessed with the number of saves he doesn't make, but the rest of us are rather more interested in his curious moustache/bleached hair combination.
Right-back: Alvaro Arbeloa
Really rather good right-back soon be shipped off to no-hopers Real Madrid by Rafa Benitez after he decided that he could get a player just as good for roughly twice the price. Has had two sterling seasons for Liverpool, doing just enough to edge out Dean Austin for this much-coveted right-back spot.
Centre-half: Tony Adams
Here's our captain. Winner of two Premier Leagues, three FA Cups, a League Cup, a Cup-Winners' Cup and Grade 1 Piano since football officially began in 1992, Adams became an inspirational leader on the pitch despite his early 'Donkey' nickname and the vast amounts of alcohol he was apparently consuming. Subsequently became a rubbish manager who makes up nonsense about being offered the Celtic job, but he was a bloody fine player. Eventually.
Centre-half: Philippe Albert
"Phillipe, Phillipe Albert, everyone knows his name." Or at least they did after his wonderful chip over Peter Schmeichel that made him an instant Geordie hero. In the great tradition of Newcastle defenders, he wasn't actually that great at defending, but what does it matter when you have a lovely 'tache like Philippe? Frankly, that's why he edges out Daniel Agger and Gary Ablett.
Left-back: Fabio Aurelio
Rafa is so unconvinced by Aurelio that he spent £7m on Andrea Dossena but we've always quite liked the Brazilian, who does his job in a tidy if underwhelming fashion. Let's face it, if he was called Taurelio, he'd be nowhere near any alphabetical XI but the man's name begins with an A so he gets in. Cracking free-kick against Man United last season, mind.
Central Midfield: Xabi Alonso
No regular readers of F365 will be in any doubt how much we rate Xabi Alonso - one of our players of last season and possibly the most complete midfielder in the Premier League on current form. That's why Real Madrid want him and that's why we keep saying it would be a disaster for Liverpool if his five-year sojourn in English football came to an end. No place for his brother in this line-up but there is a spot for his best friend...
Central Midfield: Mikel Arteta
It was apparently Alonso who persuaded Arteta of the merits of Merseyside and convinced him to join Everton after a poor spell at Real Sociedad followed a successful stint in Scotland with Rangers, and we're rather glad he did. A credit to Everton and to the Premier League, Arteta plays the game with a certain grace that makes him popular amongst neutrals. His free-kicks aren't half-bad either.
Central Midfield: Darren Anderton
Lazily dismissed as a 'Sicknote'by those who can only dream of playing 500 senior club games, Anderton spent 12 years at Spurs and - when fit - was a fine player. He was good enough to attract serious interest from Manchester United (he apparently later regretted turning them down) and good enough to amass 30 England caps and play a key part in the Euro 96 side that came so close to triumph.
Striker: Andrei Arshavin
He's only been here two minutes but it was either him, Ade Akinbiyi or Emmanuel Adebayor, and he brought us more joy in a few short months than those two could in a decade. Six goals and five assists in 12 games is some record. And that four-goal salvo against Liverpool was some performance. And that's some tongue. Welcome to the Premier League, fella.
Striker: Nicolas Anelka
He may be a miserable bugger and that may be a sodding annoying bird celebration but over 100 Premier League goals in less than 250 Premier League games is a phenomenal record. He's the least impressive winner of the Golden Boot who has ever 'graced' the Premier League but you cannot deny the man is effective.
Striker: Faustino Asprilla
A scorer of guns, drugs and a surprisingly small number of goals for Newcastle, but you cannot deny that the man brought a certain panache to these shores. Gabriel Agbonlahor and Dean Ashton may be able to boast more games and more goals in England, but have they scored a scintillating hat-trick against Barcelona? Or indeed pretended to be a builder to get a work visa?
Sarah Winterburn
Your Comments
buffalobillnufc
"Tino was class but typical toon
we had the choice of zola instead"
richy1980
"Phillipe Albert was a centre half. If you think he ever played left back for Newcastle then I suggest you go and have a word with yourself.
We lost the league because our forwards went completely off the boil. Ferdinand, Ginola, Lee, Beardsley. Goal scoring became a real effort for us in the last 2 months of the season. We only conceded two more goals than Man Utd in that season, our defence was never as bad as was made out. We just conceded goals at silly times.
Check the history books."
gregfarrell
"Phillipe Albert was actually a poor defender but a wonderful footballer, albeit without a position, let alone a best position! He was a sort of roaming left back, which is where he played for Belgium."
magpie27
"TINO TINO TINO TINO!!!!!!!!!!!"
glendvd
"Yeah richy1980, Albert was a pure quality defender wasn't he? a 14 point gap at the top of the Premier League at Christmas, yet still manage to blow the league completely, yet your forward men were still knocking plenty in, can't understand why Albert's defensive abilities have been called into question at all. Baffling."
felderkirk
"Too right - F**K Adebayor!"
McFunkalot
"Asprilla is/was my favourite foreigner to play in the Prem. Ridiculous skill."
steed_8
"LeftyDan you muppet. Phillips scored 30 goals that season. Least Impressive winner??? He was one of the most impressive you dunce."
markfrost
"Left back beginning with 'T', surely it must be Djimi or Armand Traore? Both obviously class"
Noz2k
"Fully understand the Asprilla inclusion, in my head he had to be there despite not having the best goalscoring record. I'm not a Newcastle fan but he's definitely one you remember. Good luck with X and Z"
All comments on this story