Pace
Term used with relish by Alan Hansen, ideally combining it with other abstract nouns in lengthy, aggressive spoken word performances for Match Of The Day: "Pace...Power...Vision...Awareness...Mercy...Community...Despondency...etc."
Pallister, Gary
Hulking ManYoo centre-half, one of the last of the breed that regarded the football as an annoying distraction from the real business of the game: putting cocky, skilful, fast players in their place, that place being about four rows back from the touchline.
Palmer, Carlton
Much-malinged, much-capped England Graham Taylor stalwart whose name has become synonymous with the utter rubbishness of that era.
Pardew, Alan
Mild-mannered, mildly-annoying manager of Charlton.
Parlour, Ray
Corkscrew-haired Essex scuffler subject of extraordinary divorce ruling that saw the former Mrs Parlour handed Ray's ginger nuts on a silver slaver.
Patch, Purple
Any goal tally of more than two in recent memory.
Pearce, Stuart
Lionhearted, penalty-missing, winger-crunching, Clash-loving former electrician and all-round legend.
Pélé
Subject of brilliant press release typo by airheaded PR person that saw him described as 'the immortal Pete'.
Penalties
See Germans, F***ing
Pennant, Jermaine
Speedy (especially behind the wheel) winger and former jailbird.
Petit, Emanuel (Manu)
Utterly superb long-haired Frenchman famous for dirtiness, fondness of money, leather coat, owning a boutique, hugely fit wife, looking a bit porno and saying: "I was thinking about Youri Djorkaeff and I thought that I'd like to be a dog. Dogs are nice. They can sleep anywhere, they wag their tails and on top of that they get stroked all the time." Mon dieu!
Phillips, Kevin
Slow but pretty good striker who formed successful tall man-small man partnership with Niall Quinn at Sunderland and unsuccessful smallish man-small man partnership with various other strikers for England.
Physical
Description used for players lacking any skill whatsoever. Still traditional for more old-fashioned English managers to suggest that a player will not be 'able to handle' the 'physical side' of the English game, even if player in question is built like a brick privy and has 14 previous convictions for GBH back home.
Pies, Who Ate All The
Hilarious terrace chant aimed at players who are slightly overweight; often prompts indignant article from Martin Samuel in Times about how Frank Lampard is 'twice the man they are' (not as in 'twice as fat', like).
Piledriver
Shot of amazing ferocity struck from outside the box that is always 'Spectacular'. Should it hit the corner flag, clear the stand etc, it should be termed 'Audacious'. In the unlikely event that it should result in a goal, it is 'A Candidate For Goal Of The Season'.
Pires, Robert
Pretentiously-bearded Frenchman celebrated for diving, nobody-likes-a-smartarse penalty howler with T Henry and calling his book 'Footballeur'.
Plastic
Who's Surrey now?
Plastic Treble
An inferior type of silverware found on Merseyside. Was not stolen.
Platt, David
Nice footballer, never looked likely to make it as coach of continental superpower. Didn't.
Playing From Amnesia, He's
Ronism to describe a player who is well past his best.
Poborsky, Karel
Impulse buy for Man Utd on the basis of an attractive dink in Euro 1996. The goal was so impressive that a shocked Sir Alex accidentally bought Jordi Cruyff as well.
Poleaxed
Inevitable tabloid pun for any defeat to Polish team or goal scored by Polish player.
Pop, He's Had A
Commentator-speak for a hopelessly over-ambitious goal attempt from the halfway line.
Poofta, Paul Gascoigne You Are Fat
Superb banner from rival Italian fans welcoming Lazio's cultured midfielder.
Portsmouth
'Onest 'Arry's Motors, South Coast Branch. Play at Fratton Park, which, rather amusingly (or not), when written backwards spells 'Krap? Nott 'arf'.
Portugal
Had much-vaunted golden generation, never really amounted to much. Similarities with England end there, though, as they could actually take penalties.
Powell, Chris
Full-back plucked (briefly) from obscurity by Sven, almost as if he could then revert to only selecting players from top four but be able to say "Aha! But what about Chris Powell?"
Premiership
Officially the best league in the world. Or at least according to some people who sell it on the telly.
Preston North End
Won league not only in black and white but before other colours had even been invented.
Prima Donna
Long-haired Johnny Foreigner type who struts around, throws diva fits and generally behaves like he's only playing for the money. Amusingly misunderstood as 'Pre-Madonna' in one reader's letter to Football365.
Primus, Linvoy
Crazy name, doesn't seem like a very crazy guy.
Prolific
Always proceeds 'striker'.
Prunier, William
French trialist who was so terrible during his brief spell at Man United several years ago that he doesn't actually deserve a definition.
Punch, Mr
Hit two women with sausage. While kerb crawling.
Pundit
Occupation of choice of ex-footballer too sensible/chicken to be a manager.
Alan Tyers
Your Comments
pablob
"Bluemeanie not quite understanding that his comment would have been somewhat witty under "e" not "p"."
fadida
"Punt - the favoured method of English players/fans to move the ball to their forwards. Not favoured by foreigners (see ponces)"
class_of_61
"Pele. Was he who said - 'Football: its the beautiful game.' Obviously not at any Mansfield vs Rochdale match played on a wet Tuesday night. The latter deemed a perfect example of football as it should be played by the editors of Rough Guide to GB. Pele might not have been referring to the way he was constantly hacked to bits at every World Cup post-1958."
Bluemeanie
"Premature Ejaculation: Liverpool fans cry on the first day of the season that "This could be our Year" Also: See any Sky Sports commentator whilst watching Arsenal tip-tap their way to no trophys."
Mutid
"Primus, Linvoy: Advanced alien Predator with multi-spectrum vision and chamelion-like body armour that scours the universe in search of the ultimate prey. Occasionally sidetracked to play centre-back for Portsmouth FC. Arch-enemy of Aliens and Arnies, but mates with 'Arrys."
Mutid
"Petulant: What the new generation of nouveau-riche overpaid crappy hairdo'd chav gobsh!te footballers are when they complain about anything, even genuine grievances. Not to be confused with Petula Clark, who's Downtown. When you're alone, And life is making you lonely, You can always shout: F**K OFF REF! Don't hang around, And let your problems surround you, You can always shout: F**K OFF REF! Listen to your team-mates as they make some big commotion, over some infraction you made when you got the notion, it's ok to say the words your mum never likes, when you want to cause trouble and make lots of strife, you shout: F**K OFF! Referee, just F**K OFF! Just wait and see, you shout: F**K OFF! Early bath's waiting for you..."
ajsr1982
"I was oh so slightly amused when I hovered my mouse over the Frank Lampard link up above and a box came up prompting me to 'narrow my search'!"
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