In which the Arsenal manager displays his legendary eye for young talent, reveals the modern training methods that will take him to the pinnacle of the European game and lays out his vision for the future...
Into the Renault Clio. Papa? Hilarious advert. I stick in the very latest CD - it is important to stay abreast of pop music, to know what the youngsters at the club might be listening to. They must all be devastated about the 2Pac. This is one of the things I will introduce at Arsenal, along with pasta. Pop quiz. Good for the team unity. This act are called Everything But The Girl, I like them. Très moderne.
I wonder if the pop music could be useful in signing young players. I have my eye on this David Beckham kid, the free-kick specialist. I reach for the carphone. No, perhaps it would be inappropriate to put into words my interest. If only there were some way you could type out a message and send it to someone's phone without the need to speak.
I think I can encourage this Beckham to join our project at Arsenal - my neighbour is in a super-hot, super-now all-girl pop band, perhaps she can help persuade? Every young fellow in Britain would surely like to date her. Her sister, Natalie, also - ooh la la. Have Beckham round, informal evening, maybe try that new Nobu place?
But first to business! This Vieira, extremely exciting player. Is he John Jensen quality though? This is a big gamble. I must discuss with my assistant. I reach for the carphone.
"Ricey," I say. "It's the boss. I'm just coming into Highbury now."
"The Emirates, boss," says Ricey.
"What's that now?" I say. "Now this Vieira. I have looked him up on the world wide web. There is a website about him - have you got a pen? www dot angelfire dot com slash patrick slash fan slash vieira. It is really very good although it takes a few minutes to see the pictures of him. I play solitaire in the wait. On the computer - amazing."
"Boss," says Ricey. "We all know who Vieira is. He was a player here, 13 years ago. You signed him."
"And we won the European Cup?" I say.
"No," he says. "No, we didn't."
"Ian Wright missed a chance, did he?" I say.
"Not exactly," says Rice. "Look. Why don't you come to the training ground, have a bit of a rest."
I think maybe that would be a good idea. But there is so much to do: teach Martin Keown how to trap the ball; invent fitness; get Tony off the drink. I have my whole career ahead of me.
