Fun Features

I have drawn up plans to increase the club's income stream and modernise the company without alienating the fans. We need to handle any changes with taste, decency and empathy for the fans. So to that end I suggest the following:

* Re-brand 'Newcastle United' as 'Newsunderland United'. Association with Sunderland's Premier League brand status will make the club look more appealing to new investors and allow us to move on from the old, failed past.

* Shearers Bar should be relaunched as Dennis Wise's Authentic Cockney Knees Up Experience (Football). I'll write programme notes to explain this is part of our plan to make Newcastle 'The Capital City of Football' because 'Newcastle is the new London'. The locals will love that accolade.

* With the good health of our fans in mind we will introduce a new ticket-pricing scheme. Weigh stations will be installed at every turnstile. The fatter the fan, the more they pay. This shows our responsible attitude to the region's obesity epidemic.

* To encourage healthy eating, all catering outlets will replace pies, hot dogs and crisps with health food such as alfalfa sprouts, cacao nibs and delicious quinoa. This is a change the region has wanted for some time - there is a pent-up demand for middle-class wholefoods on Tyneside.

* We will also lead the way on banning consumption of alcohol inside the ground. Sinking pint after pint at a football match is an unhealthy lifestyle. I'm determined to set a good example. Being sober will improve every fan's match-day experience.

* Also with health in mind, we can create a new range of NUFC suppositories. My slogan - 'you can stick your club up your backside' - may need revision, but it speaks to me, and I'm sure the fans will love having NUFC inside them.

* Cost-cutting: The fans here have always said they'd play for the club for nothing. So let's give them a chance. We can cut the wage bill to zero with this initiative. We should consider appointing a manager on a similar basis. We will be fulfilling the dreams of thousands of ordinary Geordies. They will love me for this idea.

* Erect a statue of Kevin Keegan outside the ground. Install a mechanism within to make sure it cries milk on the hour then charge fans to see the Messiah's tears and kiss his feet. (Kissing is a premium activity and costs extra) By doing this we are showing our understanding of the relationship the fans have with Kevin while making the club money. It's a win-win.

* Rename the Gallowgate End the 'Tony Jimenez Memorial Stand'. If NUFC fans each donate £1000 to the club's 'Gallowgate Preservation Trust' the old name can be retained. This as a scheme for fans to re-energise their emotional investment to the club and its heritage. Cash only. No cheques.

I'm sure NUFC fans will get on board with these new innovations. Look how happy they are about the re-naming of the stadium as The Sports Direct Emporium of Polyester Clothing @ St James Park dot com slash.

Let's invent the future people!