Think AVB 'cracked' on Sunday? Read these tales of punching fans, 52 swear words, 15 uses of the c-word, 'The S**t Hits The Fan' and "youse are all f**king idiots"...
Being old isn't enough. Like red wine, cheese and Felicity Kendal, here are ten players who got better with age. The message is clear - being Italian helps...
10) Danny Welbeck Will Score Loads Of Goals
Danny Welbeck is clearly a very good player, in his own way. He can perform a number of roles to a level well above competent, and for that reason alone he's worth having around. He's also capable of some delightful moments of skill, as his second goal against Swansea displayed very nicely. What Welbeck is not is a goalscorer - he doubled his league tally from last season at the Liberty Stadium, and has never reached double figures in the league. Welbeck will always be a very good player to have around, and may prove to be a decent foil for Robin van Persie if Wayne Rooney continues being Wayne Rooney, but natural goal scorer he is not. So cool those jets, United fans.
9) Villa Are Going To Be Fine
As Andi Thomas and Alexander Netherton pointed out, it's easy to miss in the undoubted hilarity that is Arsenal how good Aston Villa were. Arsenal made mistakes, and plenty of them, but Villa took advantage of them in a pretty ruthless fashion. Their front three of Christian Benteke, Andreas Weimann and Gaby Agbonlahor were terrific, and it took some gumption to come from behind at the Emirates, even if they were helped out by two penalties.
However, this is still a desperately inexperienced side. None of their 18-man squad on Saturday are older than 28, and all of their new recruits aren't so much wet behind the ears as have buckets of water balanced precariously on each lug. A good result first up does mean that Villa's crèche have this all sorted.
8) Ross Barkley Will Save England
One of the most encouraging team selections of the Premier League's opening day was that of Barkley at the heart of Everton's midfield. The 19-year-old not only has a terrific touch and a needle-thread of a pass, but he's built like a wall - and not just a crumbly country wall or a thin dividing wall in a cheaply and hastilly-constructed new apartment block - a proper wall. Allow me to throw some stats your way - last season Everton averaged a pass completion rate of 79.4%, but at Norwich on Saturday they managed 88%. That was in large part thanks to Barkley, who found his man with 96% of his 56 passes, in addition to four successful dribbles and of course a thunderbastard of a goal. And all this from a young man who wasn't considered good enough for the Leeds team while on loan there last season, a piece of information that says an awful lot more about Neil Warnock than it does about Barkley.
Of course, the easiest thing to get carried away about is a young and promising English player - particularly one that has a touch slightly better than a dyspraxic four-year-old - so we should wait until Barkley has a solid half-season in the Premier League under his belt before becoming too giddy. We hope Barkley continues his fine start to the season, and not just because it will make Neil Warnock look silly.
7) City Are Going To Win It All
As bad as Newcastle were, Manchester City were certainly incredibly impressive, playing with a verve that seemed to be lacking from Roberto Mancini's final days in charge. They even had wingers! Proper wingers! They weren't inverted or anything! Revolution! While starts to a season can of course be misleading, this win certainly compares favourably to a jittery win against Southampton, a draw with Liverpool and a sluggish defeat of QPR, which is how City opened last term. There is a sense that Manuel Pellegrini's new broom has provided a breath of fresh air (presumably with some very vigorous sweeping), and that this is a City squad refreshed. The coming months will tell us just how refreshed they are.
6) Liverpool Don't Need Luis Suarez
While this is dealt with at more length here, there is a temptation to believe that Liverpool can get along just fine without their truculent talisman. Sure, the movement and workrate of Phillipe Coutinho and Iago Aspas was encouraging, but Suarez is one of the most potent forwards in the league, with 23 goals in a season curtailed by suspension. That Liverpool only won 1-0 despite their dominance, and will surely be punished by a team with a better attack than Stoke's, should be evidence enough that Suarez's return, assuming he he says the required sorrys, will be welcomed with the most open of arms.
5) The Promoted Three Are Going Down, Down, Down
Actually, this one might be true.
4) Newcastle Are Heading For The Abyss
Although, they may have some competition for those coveted bottom three places.
Hopefully, nobody will swallow Alan Pardew blaming Newcastle's shanking at the hands of Manchester City on Arsenal's bid for Yohan Cabaye. The result would've been different, would it Al? What, maybe it would've been 3-0 instead? Would Cabaye have played in central defence instead of Steven Taylor, thus eliminating his bone-headed red card? It's very easy to point fingers at Joe Kinnear because he's quite the laughing stock, but while this Newcastle squad has clear deficiencies, Pardew has a pretty decent first-choice eleven at his disposal. Certainly better than the three wins after February last season that nearly sucked Newcastle into the relegation whirlpool would suggest.
Pardew's infamous eight-year contract is slightly misleading because not even Mike Ashley is daft enough not to include assorted break clauses in it, but unless Pardew fixes a few things pretty quickly and stops blaming outside agents, he might find those clauses activated in a hurry.
3) Arsenal Are F*cked
Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! It's all gone very badly wrong at Arsenal, where woe has become the impulsive emotion for the massed ranks as they nibble on their £13.90 fish and chips. Of course, this sounds awfully familiar, with similar scenes of the sky falling in and people commenting 'Yeah, but this time it really is it for Wenger' with a sad 'Thanks for the memories' look on their faces occurring at various points of the last few years.
And it's turned out OK in the end, hasn't it? Arsenal finish in the top four. It's what they do. The last time they didn't was in 1996, and even then they were only kept out on goals scored. The question is of course whether that's good enough anymore. Whether they should be setting their sights higher than that Fourth Place Trophy - and the general consensus is that it's most certainly not. But even if that's true, it probably won't be quite the calamity that some appear to think. Probably.
2) David Moyes Has Got This Nailed And He's Not Terrified
As you might imagine after writing this before Manchester United's 4-1 shanking of Swansea, a fair few people got in touch to point out that he didn't look especially frightened as Welbeck dinked in that fourth goal. One commented: 'I'm sure the anti-Moyes agenda will continue just as before, but it's so satisfying that we have given people absolutely nothing to get their claws into with an incredibly comfortable opening day victory in a potentially tricky fixture. One game does not a good season make, but it's certainly a hell of a start for a manager who is apparently so out of his depth.'
The point was not that Moyes was so terrified that his terror would creep into the heads of the players and they'd forget what to do with their feet, but that he was viewing the tough run of fixtures at the start of the season through the eyes of a man looking down the barrel of some hugely damaging early season results. The win at Swansea was of course excellent and will calm a few fears, but like the man said, one game does not a good season make. Having a point dismissed as knee-jerk with a similarly knee-jerky assessment and as part of an 'anti-Moyes agenda' can be a little hard to take.
1) Jose And Roman Are Happy And It's All Going To Be Fine
Jose was smiling. Jose was laughing. Jose was bantering with Steve Bruce. Jose was a little embarrassed by the reception from the fans and only offered a sheepish wave. Well, obviously he wasn't actually embarrassed, but he acted that way. Roman Abramovich said something. Chelsea won. Yeah, all those problems that came before are gone. Sorted. Domestic bliss.
The old saying tells us to 'never go back', and in relationships that's largely shrewd advice because unless you broke up the first time around for some stupid reason, or due to a slapstick misunderstanding of some nature, the problems that caused the break-up are probably still there. Jose Mourinho's time at Real Madrid showed he is still an autocrat, edging out sporting director Jorge Valdano and trying to slice and dice the power of the dressing room. Abramovich is still in control of all things at Chelsea, deciding what's what and who stays and who goes. Both men may have changed, softened or matured, but there is still plenty of capacity for calamity at Stamford Bridge.
Nick Miller - follow him on Twitter