Think AVB 'cracked' on Sunday? Read these tales of punching fans, 52 swear words, 15 uses of the c-word, 'The S**t Hits The Fan' and "youse are all f**king idiots"...
Being old isn't enough. Like red wine, cheese and Felicity Kendal, here are ten players who got better with age. The message is clear - being Italian helps...
10. Andy Carroll
Sustaining an injury that seems likely to keep Carroll out for an almost mystical amount of time (you can read anywhere between three weeks and six months depending on where you look) is not the fault of the individual, but that doesn't make his embedding into West Ham folklore much easier.
Without overly doom-mongering, the headline in the International Business Times (us neither) doesn't exactly demand optimism - "West Ham Confident Carroll Won't Suffer Dean Ashton's Plight".
We hadn't thought of that until you mentioned it, IBT.
9. Arouna Kone
A move that now seems destined to fail due to the unexpected arrival of Romelu Lukaku. When Kone walked through the Goodison door for a fee north of £6million, he would presumably have expected to oust Nikica Jelavic rather quickly, particularly given his 11 goals under Roberto Martinez last season.
Enter Lukaku stage left.
Martinez's desire to play five midfielders behind a lone front man (without that being a defensive strategy) works perfectly with a striker that is able to shield and hold up the ball, bringing others into play. Unfortunately for Kone, Lukaku does that as well as anyone else in the division.
The end result is 58 minutes of league action by mid-October, and a status quo that is unlikely to change without an injury to Everton's loan star.
8. Nicolas Anelka
Whilst Anelka deserves our deepest sympathies for the tragic and sudden death of his agent last month, that aside we can still draw the conclusion that this just isn't working out very well.
Replacing Romelu Lukaku's goals always promised to be an impossible task, but statistics such as Anelka being the most caught offside player in the division certainly don't hint at success
In fact, the Frenchman's goal drought is rather more serious - he has four league goals in 32 months and three of those were in China. His career seems to be dwindling to a close.
7. Danny Graham
Yes, he is only on loan, and yes, his wages probably aren't sky high, but Hull City still deserve recognition for stinking the place out with their move for Danny Graham. There really isn't much more to say than this - Graham has now gone 1,481 minutes without a league goal.
This isn't just failing to do his job, this is ringing the boss with a fake cough and calling him a c*ck before climbing back into bed with his two daughters, finally rocking into the office the following Thursday only to trip over a cable and take down the computer mainframe.
Forget the false nine, ten or even Brentan's seven-and-a-half. Step forward the false striker.
6. Andre Schurrle
A signing that looked unnecessary and illogical has proven to be unnecessary and illogical.
Some players can be forgiven for being a bit, well...'meh' after a move, but that generosity tends to evaporate when you cost £18million. Schurrle was fantastic at times for Leverkusen last season, but Chelsea are yet to see the German international anywhere near his best.
Ten shots on goal may hint at at least getting involved, but a shooting accuracy of just 20% is comfortably the worst in Chelsea's squad. That's a squad that includes David Luiz, a central defender seen shooting from the halfway line against Norwich.
Müssen besser machen.
5. Ricky Van Wolfswinkel
The man we're calling 'dogcock' until he has another shot on target - he has had one in his last six Premier League games - did actually assist Anthony Pilkington's header against Chelsea on Sunday, but don't let that cover up the cracks (or get in the way of a solid moniker).
Van Wolfswinkel is Norwich's record signing - the deal was seen as a statement of intent by a club looking to consolidate their Premier League place. Now level on points with the bottom three, and scoring a goal every other game, indicates just how much their 'star' signing has been struggled. It's worrying to note that 17 of the 19 players used by Norwich this have averaged more touches of the ball than RDC.
4. Jozy Altidore
Oh Jozy. Dozy Jozy. Coming back to the Premier League after such an abject previous spell took some bottle (and presumably inflated coffers), but the forward's Premier League record now reads: Played 34 Scored 1. When you spend £8million on an international striker it would be nice to think that he would take fewer than 18 years to score 20 league goals.
Still, the striker has something wonderful to fall back on - his full name is Josmer Volmy Altidore. The poor guy belongs in Star Trek.
3. Roberto Soldado
Before Spurs fans get their pants in something of a fizzy tizzy, Soldado hasn't been awful. But when you sign a cheque for £26million for the striker that is set to alleviate all of a club's striking woes, you do expect a greater return than two penalties by mid-October.
Despite looking to have replaced Gareth Bale's threat more than adequately during the summer, there is no doubt that Spurs are struggling offensively. Six goals in seven games is a total lower than 13 Premier League teams, and Andre Villas-Boas must find a solution.
As I wrote after the West Ham defeat on Sunday, an answer may lie in playing two up front and demanding more patience from midfield, but the fact remains that, for now, Soldado must be firmly filed under 'underwhelming'.
2. Dani Osvaldo
"Football here is so physical, but it doesn't have the technique and quality that is has in Spain. I'm already thinking about moving back to Argentina. I want to play for Boca, that's my dream."
Those comments are attached to Dani/Pablo Osvaldo, a full 49 days after becoming Southampton's record signing when bought in August, and one goal and just four shots on target in his seven games so far haven't exactly justified the Italian/Argentinian's £15million fee.
Although the striker has since denied the reports - 'I do not understand why false things write...' (sic) - he could really do with bucking his ideas up for the Saints.
1. Iago Aspas
When the most notable thing you have brought to the Premier League party is a likeness to a face drawn on a balloon, things aren't going well. Parties and balloons are normally a Grade A combination, but this is the exception.
Six games, no goals, two shots. With Luis Suarez comfortably back into stride, it does rather look like Liverpool paid £7.5million for a player that was only going to be useful for two months, who then proved to be anything but. O damn'd Iago! O inhuman dog!
Daniel Storey - follow him on Twitter
I can't believe no one has mentioned this shoddy bit of writing: "...indicates just how much their 'star' signing has been struggled. It's worrying to note that 17 of the 19 players used by Norwich this have averaged more touches of the ball than RDC." Do you not have editors or proofreaders at F365? Has been struggled? this have averaged? oh dear...- medina_sod