F365's Top Ten Own Goals

After David Stockdale and Younes Kaboul both scored fabulous own goals live on telly this weekend, Daniel Storey picks out the best of the worst. Sheesh...

Last Updated: 31/03/14 at 21:28 Post Comment

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Click on the name of each player to watch the goal...

10) Djimi Traore (Liverpool v Burnley, 2005)
He's here, and so soon too. Nice to see you Djimi.

Some cult heroes are created through passion, some through loyalty and some through majesty. Djimi Traore's cult hero status came through being perhaps the worst player to lift the Champions League trophy. Gaining a reputation as a 'bambi on ice' defender, the wonder of this own goal comes through Traore losing the ball whilst it remained under his feet, his finish looking almost skillful in its abject horror.

Four months later, Traore won European domestic football's most prized trophy. The joke is on us, if anything.

9) Phil Jones (Manchester United v Newcastle, 2012)
Some own goals come as a result of misfortune or instinct, but Phil Jones' against Newcastle during the 2011/12 season sits in the camp of old-fashioned ineptitude, just raising more questions than it answers.

It came at the end of a thoroughly demoralising 3-0 defeat for Manchester United at St James' Park, and as an injury-time free kick from Tim Krul was launched down the field, Jones came to meet it. Quite why he lowered his head at the ball as if he was attempting to catch it on the back of his neck like an arrogant seal goodness only knows, but that he did. The ball missed his head (always likely if you aren't looking in its direction), rebounded off his knee and into an empty net.

8) Franck Queudrue (Lens v Bastia, 2001)
It's the first cliché you learn when you starting playing football as a child: 'if in doubt, kick it out'. Unfortunately for Lens, defender Franck Queudrue opted for 'to avoid hiccup, kick it up', launching the ball into the air as he sought to end an opponent's attack. Not straight up, either, but instead with the exact angle that brought it down over his own keeper and into the net.

There are plenty who would consider it all mere karma, given some of Queudrue's 'tackles' whilst in England.

7) Gareth Bale (Tottenham v Liverpool, 2012)
The self-justification for the creation of this list was actually this piece of unmitigated glory from the Bundesliga this weekend, but no. 7 on our list manages to combine the wonder of a player having a ball smashed into his face, the ball then ending up in the net AND that player having a face that a number of football fans enjoy seeing having a ball kicked into. Premier League 3-2 Bundesliga.

Gareth Bale was largely minding his own business with his side 2-0 up when, with 20 minutes of a home game against Liverpool remaining, Aaron Lennon cleared the ball off the line. The winger succeeded in sending it two yards before it connected with Bale's face and flew into the net. Bale was laid out almost cold, whilst the rest of us were warmed by the misfortune of a man that copyrighted a goal celebration.

6) Wayne Hatswell (Forest Green v Morecambe, 2000
"Right then Wayne, got the ball at your feet. Plenty of time"

"Yes I know, but I'll still probably get rid. This is the FA Cup so we don't want any shenanigans"

"True, seems reasonable. So, whereabouts are you going to clea... erm, Wayne? What in all that is holy was that?"

"Yeah, I've just sort of shinned that actually."

"Not quite sure 'shinned' really covers it, big fella. I can hear Nick Hancock's slight whining voice as we speak. You're going to be patronised by Tim Lovejoy on a DVD for years to come. And by that slightly pr*ckish one from Football365."

5) Lee Dixon (Arsenal v Coventry, 1991)
Not only is this a wonderful, wonderful example of the breed, an own goal from a huge distance with both parties as England internationals, but it also enables you to use the phrase "lobbed Seaman" and then do a childish giggle afterwards, before realising you're 28 years old.

And I've found the video on Youtube of David 'ponytail and moustache?' Seaman commentating on the goal. You're welcome.

4) Jamie Pollock (Manchester City v QPR, 1998)
One of the most endearing features of the loyal football supporter is the warped manner in which gory is celebrated (in hindsight at least) as much as glory, partly because it acts as a bonding, if chastening, experience. That's why there will be just as many Manchester City supporters proud to reveal that they were at Maine Road for Jamie Pollock's famous own goal in 1998 as were at the Etihad for Aguero's title-winning goal 14 years later.

Not only was it a spectacular cock-up from Pollock, it also condemned City to the third tier and saved opponents QPR from the drop. For his trouble the midfielder was voted the most influential man of the last 2,000 years by an internet poll infiltrated by QPR fans, and leads a City-supporting friend of mine to still say 'drobbed a Pollock' rather than 'dropped a b*llock'. Nice.

3) Tony Popovic (Crystal Palace v Portsmouth, 2000)
Whilst this reverse scorpion kick from the Hong Kong league should really have made the grade, there was room for only one spectacular flicked own goal in this list, and familiarity wins the day.

Popovic was regarded as something of a hardman during his time at Selhurst Park, but still found time for impudence and aplomb during a Premier League match against Portsmouth. England's Steve Stone crossed the ball in and Popovic's heel connected with the ball in truly magical fashion. Part Cruyff, part Higuita, part Zola, this was a finish of exquisite beauty - the Audrey Hepburn of own goals.

2) Stefan Seufer (FC Schweinfurt v 1860 Munich II, 2013)
Whilst Popovic earns marks for style, Stefan Seufer surpasses him for distance alone - this was a finish that almost made my list of long-range goals last week.

Watching this goal for the first-time made me make the same high-pitched questioning noises as when I watch University Challenge, a disbelieving insistence that this can't be happening.

It's from 45 yards out, and it's against his own goalkeeper, which pretty much sums all you need to know. As the comment on the Youtube video says: "Haha.... Dummkopf."

1) Chris Brass (Bury v Darlington, 2006)
Depending on your fetish, this could be the greatest goal of all time.

Football can be a cruel game, all too often containing racism, sexism, homophobia, anger, sadness, and hatred. You watch a man kicking a long clearance into his own face and into the goal, feel desperately sorry for him and estimate that any God must be a truly vicious and vindictive entity.

And then you realise that despite Brass' own goal, Bury turned round the match with two goals in the final six minutes to win 3-2, a vital factor in the club surviving relegation from the Football League. It's a wonderful world.

There's even something for trivia fans - Brass' ridiculous headed goal was scored past none other than Kasper Schmeichel.

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