Watching Man City is like watching maths and that’s just soulless and boring
Man City are obviously brilliant. John Nicholson has no interest in denying that. But he is just disinterested. And is not the only one.
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Ten biggest wastes of money includes ‘complete fanny’ who flopped at Manchester United
Manchester United and David Moyes feature heavily on a list of the ten biggest wastes of money in football history, somehow without them overlapping.
Cheer up Leeds, the Premier League is a dysfunctional, uncompetitive, mockery of a competition
Ask Sheffield United fans if they would recommend promotion back to the Premier League. It’s hellish and Leeds should be happy to miss out.
Frank Lampard and his 11 GCSEs among the ten most intellectual footballers ever
Frank Lampard is obviously in a rundown of ten of the most intellectual footballers ever, but one legendary Chelsea teammate is also included.
You cannot polish the turd that is VAR; just flush it down the toilet
If you’re not against VAR by now then you are just not trying enough, says John Nicholson. It should be flushed away with other faeces.
The FA is no longer fit for purpose; they are shills to the Premier League
The abolition of FA Cup replays does not have support away from the upper echelons of the game. The FA is not fit for purpose.
The FA should learn from Scotland and end mid-table mediocrity
Mid-table mediocrity and cruising to the end of the season could be eradicated in English football by creating smaller divisions like Scotland.
Do you care about the ‘tiresome obligation’ of the Champions League?
The Champions League reaches the vinegar strokes this week but is any neutral entertained? It’s the biggest clubs with the most money.
Neuer the trailblazer and Grobbelaar the maniac in Johnny Nic’s top 10* goalkeepers
John Nicholson loves an eccentric goalkeeper so much that his top 10 is actually a top 11. Only one current player features…
Listening to a football phone-in is like being locked in a room with a sleepy dog
It has been 30 years since the start of 5 Live and a lot has changed in 30 years. Except 606, which just gets worse and worse.
‘Dribbling goons’ losing their shirt over an England flag in 2024 is embarrassing and stupid
The Nike England shirt controversy was laughably forced by right-wing goons who don’t even understand what ‘woke’ point they want to make.
Kalvin’s clogs feature with DCL, Bellerin in Johnny Nic’s football fashion gurus…
John Nicholson has gone back through the decades to reflect on football’s style icons. No David Beckham, but Kalvin Phillips makes the cut…
Eddie Howe looked like a man passing a compacted stool as Newcastle lost
Eddie Howe looked confused as Newcastle lost to Manchester City because football cannot be controlled. It should be random.
Ten most iconic celebrations ever include Liverpool pair and England heroes
Liverpool and England icons feature but who had the greatest celebration ever? Has to be the ‘here I am spinning vinyl in a club while holding headphones’.
Liverpool v Man City is USA v UAE so don’t expect me to care…
Liverpool v Man City brings us great footballers, great football, but what does it all mean? Does it not matter at all? Is it a form of evil?
Pirlo, Keane, Clayton… but no Cork – football’s finest face fungus
Johnny Nic knows a good beard when he sees one. Here are 10 of his favourite players to sprout a face forest, featuring two current Liverpool stars…
Man Utd being predictably rotten at Man City suits Sky Sports
Man Utd predictably lost to Man City and that’s exactly what the broadcasters want. They don’t want you to be shocked.
Johnny Nic is due out this week and he has some people he wants to thank in the football community
Johnny Nic is due out of hospital this week and he wants to thank a fair few people, not least his wonderful nurses. His socialist crusade is just starting.
John Nicholson picks his top 10 dirtiest players including Keane and Souness
John Nicholson is on the last lap of his three-month hospital stay after suffering a massive stroke so he has time to think about the dirty sods of football.
If David Moyes was Spanish would the coverage be so favourable? Would it balls
There has never been such a disparity between how a manager is seen and talked about in the print and broadcast media and how they’re seen by the fans.
Blue cards have left John Nicholson swearing more than we thought possible
We don’t think John Nicholson likes the idea of blue cards. We have just about worn out the asterisk button.
Who would buy a football club but Middle Eastern nation wealth funds and sporting portfolios?
The football business is like no other business, and that’s why no fool would buy into this business. There’s little reward or thanks.
The Premiership? The bloody Premiership? Premier League dead-naming is pet peeve
The Premier League has been the Premier League longer than it was ever the Premiership and yet old men (and Tories) still shout at Premiership clouds.
Stop the Klopp hysteria – Liverpool will go on and a title and Champions League each is good, not great
The deification of a departing Jurgen Klopp makes absolutely no sense. Liverpool will move on and he will soon be forgotten, just as he’d want.
Gary Neville takes joint first in Johnny’s top 10 football pundits list
Gary Neville has to share top spot and John Nicholson was loathe to lose one of his favourite football pundits so there’s actually 11.
Joey Barton and his neanderthal army are not ‘truth-tellers’; they are just little boy losers
Joey Barton and his ilk are bigoted and stupid but also bullies. How lovely. But the truth is that they’re losers, out of touch and left behind.
BBC dominate John Nicholson’s list of 10 best football commentators
We all know how much Johnny loves Clive Tyldesley, but not as much as he loves listening to 5 Live…
Premier League players are being flogged like an asthmatic pit pony and the football is pants
Premier League players are athletes made from biscuits wearing lightweight fancy slippers; you can’t run them into the ground.
Arrogant, athletic Franz Beckenbauer would have dominated even in 2024
It’s easy to imagine Franz Beckenbauer playing in 2024, and that could not be said about most footballers from the 1970s. He was wonderful.
David Moyes out! West Ham are sixth but only ‘hitting par’ with a talented squad
Our John Nicholson is not having any of the praise for West Ham manager David Moyes; they have spent a lot to hit their ceiling.
John Nicholson: VAR does not need ‘tweaking’; fans need to vote with their feet
John Nicholson has been writing from his hospital bed after yet more VAR nonsense in the Boxing Day fixtures.
John Nicholson had a stroke and he still wrote a column because football…
‘Am f**ked but won’t be forever’ was the message from John Nicholson from a hospital bed in Scotland. But that didn’t stop him filing…
Douglas Luiz would be great for Arsenal. But Villa’s main man should stay where he is
It is obvious to see why Arsenal are sniffing around Douglas Luiz. But Johnny Nic reckons the Brazil midfielder would be wise to stay where he is under Unai Emery’s ...