Ruben Amorim secures early ‘victory’ over Arne Slot as sacking ‘demanded’ and subtle messages sent
You might not have heard, but Ruben Amorim is the new manager of Manchester United. And quite literally nothing else is getting a look in now as we all count down the days and hours until the return of some actual football.
Slot 0 Amorim 1
Sometimes Mediawatch sees a headline and knows instinctively and with almost terrifying certainty that the story is going to be absolute bollocks, but we have absolutely no clue whatsoever about the specific flavour of bollocks that awaits us. So to speak.
This, from the Daily Express, is a near flawless example:
Ruben Amorim has already ‘got one over’ on Liverpool boss Arne Slot ahead of Man Utd debut
There’s clearly just absolutely no way this is going to be a real story, is there? The man has been in charge barely a week, and is yet to lead his team into a single game of football. There is no meaningful, tangible, significant way he could have ‘got one over’ a manager who has made a near flawless start to life at Liverpool. So, in summary: it’s bollocks.
But what kind of bollocks? We had genuinely no idea what big hairy bollocks awaited us as, hands shaking, we gingerly clicked the link/put our hand down trousers.
The intro tells us nothing, immediately confirming what we already knew. Because in the vanishingly unlikely event that this was not in fact bollocks, it would have been right there. Instead we get this absolute waffle.
Manchester United head coach Ruben Amorim will quickly become accustomed to the bitter rivalry between his new club and Liverpool. And the Portuguese coach has reportedly already earned a small victory over his Anfield counterpart, Arne Slot, as he prepares to make his box office debut this weekend.
Then there are six more paragraphs of further point-evading guff. It’s almost like the poor sod asked to write this story knows it’s bollocks, in a way. But finally he can delay no longer, and has to show his hand. A hand covered in all sh*t and hair.
And it’s claimed that masses of journalists face disappointment in their efforts to attend a notable match in both clubs’ history.
The report adds that media requests for Sunday’s showdown have emphatically eclipsed the number for Slot’s debut as Liverpool manager on the opening weekend.
We should have f***ing guessed. If there’s one thing football journalists love more than pitiful clickbait, it’s pitiful self-indulgent clickbait about themselves.
One day, journalists of all stripes will realise that not one normal person gives the tiniest of shiny shites about journalists. But today is not that day. So we get this sh*t. And then an industry-leading use of the phrase ‘Of course’ to admit that the entire story is so much tish and fipsy.
Of course, inferior interest won’t bother the Dutchman or Liverpool while they are atop the Premier League and Champions League tables with 15 wins in his first 17 matches.
Probably not, lads, no.
And there are, ‘of course’, no prizes for guessing that ‘got one over’ in that headline is quoting absolutely nobody whatsoever either in the Express story or the throwaway couple of pars in the Mail from which it’s been confected.
Final demand
Talk of obvious bollocks brings us to this Mirror headline and leaves Mediawatch desperately attempting to be grown up enough not to do anything with sacks and bollocks.
Man Utd news: Marcus Rashford shares Ruben Amorim verdict as immediate sacking demanded
Yes, it’s another step towards total headline domination for the humble ‘as’ with this one. The fact that this headline makes it look a little bit like Marcus Rashford has demanded Ruben Amorim be immediately sacked is just an unfortunate accident. We’re sure whoever came up with it will be absolutely gutted when they realise how they have, by sheer bad luck, come up with a headline that contains such a possible double-meaning. Oh no!
Obviously, Rashford has done absolutely nothing of the sort. For completeness, the ‘immediate sacking’ demanded ‘as’ Rashford hailed a ‘Top session’ in training with Amorim is in fact Richard Keys yelling at clouds again about something or other and calling Erik Ten Hag ‘Ten Toast’ for some reason.
Brevity is the soul of wit
Manchester United players have been getting used to life under Amorim this week, but that hasn’t stopped them issuing verdicts or sending messages. If anything, the volume of such verdicts and messages has only increased. But what is clear, judging by Manchester Evening News coverage at least, is that Amorim has been working his new charges so hard that they have been forced to keep these missives increasingly brief.
Yesterday, Marcus Rashford had time for this, for instance.
Marcus Rashford gives three-word verdict on Ruben Amorim’s first Man United training session
No such luxury for Casemiro, though:
Casemiro gives two-word verdict after Ruben Amorim’s first Man United training session
And now Bruno Fernandes has even less time on his hands.
Bruno Fernandes sends one-word message ahead of Ruben Amorim meeting at Man United
Viktor’s spoils
In fairness to Bruno, the reason he only had time for a one-word message might be because he’s been given another very important job by his new manager, because the MEN also reveal the following:
Bruno Fernandes sends subtle message to Viktor Gyokeres amid Man United transfer links
Always good when you get the word ‘subtle’ in a headline. Not many headline words that give you a greater clue that nonsense is afoot than ‘subtle’, because in headlines what it nearly always actually means is ‘minuscule to the point of non-existent’.
The subtle message in this case is so subtle you really could miss it; Bruno has liked a Gyokeres Instagram post after he scored a goal for Sweden.
That’s it. Bruno is, at time of writing, one of 408, 490 people to send this precise subtle message. Except in tenuous clickbait land what he’s actually done with that like is suggest ‘he is keeping tabs on Gyokeres’ career’ which definitely doesn’t sound weird and creepy.
In keeping with today’s welcome if slightly discombobulating football media policy of acknowledging the story you’ve just written is complete guff, we then get this.
While a nice gesture, it may not necessarily be a sign of Gyokeres’ impending arrival in Manchester.
Oh. Right you are.
