Another Arsenal ‘bad boy’, Coutinho bullsh*t and more…

Date published: Monday 28th January 2019 12:02

‘Despite’ of the day
From the back page of the Daily Mirror:

‘MANCHESTER UNITED are still pressing ahead with the search for a technical director – despite Ole Gunnar Solskjaer making a strong case to get the managerial job.’

Two different jobs, fella. Two different jobs.

 

A load of old Willocks
Joe Willock is a 19-year-old Arsenal footballer who has played a total of 82 minutes in the Premier League. So of course he is a prime candidate for a Sun expose about his sex life. Because who wouldn’t be interested in the sex life of Arsenal’s sixth-choice central midfielder?

Let’s start with the headline, for it is truly phenomenal:

‘Arsenal star Joe Willock had ‘weird sex’ with Ashley Cole’s ex and binged on hippy crack’

‘Weird sex’ suggests animals, gimp masks, maybe watching DIY SOS mid-coitus. And ‘Ashley Cole’s ex’ suggests Tweedy. This is going to be phenomenal…

‘ARSENAL rising star Joe Willock is following in the footsteps of Gunners legend Ashley Cole – by scoring with the ace’s ex.

‘French model Eglantine Flore Aguilar says she had a ‘weird’ night of romping with the 19-year-old, just days after getting two goals for the first team.’

Mediawatch loves a ‘just days’, especially when it turns out to be ‘just seven days’; there is an actual word for that, guys.

‘Pundits reckon he is a potential England player – but off the pitch he is developing a bad-boy image.’

Is he? We have read literally nothing negative about Joe Willock until this very moment. He is ‘developing a bad-boy image’ simply because you have chosen to give him one.

‘Midfielder Willock binged on “hippy crack” during a boozy night with Eglantine, 26, and was up until 6am the following morning, when he had a training session.

‘He had messaged the Paris-based beauty, who has bedded a string of stars, including former England defender Cole, 38, on Instagram.

‘Willock invited her to London, buying Eurostar tickets for her and a pal. He took them to exclusive nightclub Libertine where they downed Disaronno liqueur and £2,500 bottles of Hennessy brandy before returning to a rented apartment in Kensington, West London.’

This sounds like a young man who has rather more money than sense. Does that make him a ‘bad boy? Mind you, there is ‘weird sex’ to come (so to speak). Odd that they are burying salacious details further down the page. Maybe it’s all just too ‘weird’ for us to contemplate.

Oh and we have been down this Arsenal hippy crack road before. You can use the dog whistle phrase of ‘hippy crack’ all you like, what you are actually describing is a young man having legal fun on his own time.

‘There, Willock inhaled several capsules of nitrous oxide — known as laughing gas or hippy crack — before romping with Eglantine.

‘He finally turned in just five hours before he was due at Arsenal’s training ground in London Colney, Herts, an hour away.

‘His antics will horrify Arsenal fans and enrage the team’s no-nonsense Spanish coach Unai Emery. It happened on Saturday January 12, a week after Willock scored twice against Blackpool in the FA Cup – and a month after The Sun revealed shock footage of Arsenal aces bingeing on hippy crack, a potentially lethal legal high.’

Ah, that’s the word for ‘just seven days’ – it’s ‘a week’.

As for ‘a month after The Sun revealed shock footage of Arsenal aces bingeing on hippy crack, a potentially lethal legal high’; it’s worth noting that The Sun waited over four months after the actual binge to bring it to the public’s attention.

And it’s also worth noting that The Sun’s expose of that binge included these words:

‘The images will horrify Arsenal fans and enrage no-nonsense Spanish team coach Unai Emery.’

Yes, the exact same phrase. It’s almost like it’s a campaign.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS ‘WEIRD SEX’?

‘Eglantine said: “He seemed very immature and keen to impress me, like he was one of the big boys.

‘”He certainly moved quickly. One minute he was messaging me on Instagram, the next he was buying me tickets to London.

‘”His conversation was very boring, possibly because he’s so young.

‘”The sex was also really weird. He wanted to try all different positions in the shortest possible time. I didn’t enjoy it.”‘

Oh. So what you are actually describing is ‘shit sex’. Is there any other kind with a 19-year-old boy who has been drinking?

‘Willock – who has scored three times in three first-team appearances this season – describes himself on Instagram as “Child Of God”.

‘The pair hooked up on the day Arsenal lost 1-0 at West Ham. Willock was not picked to play.’

Ah, so ‘young man has shit, consensual sex and takes legal high on day he was not playing football’. What a bad boy.

Amusingly, Willock did play two days later for Arsenal’s Under-23 side and scored one goal – and made two more – in a 5-1 win over Manchester City. Maybe ‘hippy crack’ is a performance-enhancing drug.

 

Saved
‘MAURIZIO SARRI has seen Chelsea turn their season around in just four dazzling days. The crisis that followed a 2-0 spanking at Arsenal has been replaced by two cup victories’ – The Sun.

It’s official: One defeat in five Premier League games to leave team in fourth = ‘crisis’.

 

Buck passed
‘IN the space of four days, Tottenham’s season has unravelled’ – Daily Mirror.

They’re third. And they’re still in the Champions League.

 

The tragic of the FA Cup
When you’re sent to Millwall but really, you want to report on a proper FA Cup shock…

‘AS A 15-year-old kid, Murray Wallace took a kitchen job in a Chinese restaurant in Glasgow. On Saturday, the teenager who washed away the sticky remains of crispy noodles and chow mein became the latest matchwinner to inscribe his name into FA Cup folklore’ – The Daily Mail.

Sorry to piss all over your romantic chips but Murray Wallace is now 26. And he is a Championship footballer. He’s not a part-time postman playing for Hednesford Town.

 

Missing words
From the Daily Mirror website:

‘Philippe Coutinho ‘being ignored’ as Lionel Messi is accused of refusing to pass to Barcelona teammate’

…by four people on Twitter.

 

What a Cout!
In a dud of a January transfer window, some media outlets have clung to the idea of Philippe Coutinho joining Manchester United. It is a red herring.

From the Daily Express website:

‘Transfer news LIVE: Perisic to Arsenal update, Coutinho to Man Utd latest, Chelsea deals’

So what is this ‘Coutinho to Man Utd latest’? We present it to you, in full:

‘Barcelona boss Ernesto Valverde has claimed Philippe Coutinho will begin producing the goods for the club again.

‘The former Liverpool ace has struggled this term and his future has been called into question.

‘But Valverde has backed him to come good.

‘”What I like about him is that he always tries things and takes on his man,” he said.

‘”It might work or it might not. He had chances today, but didn’t score because their goalkeeper is excellent.

‘”He’ll convert other chances soon.”‘

So is it happening? Tell us, tell us, tell us.

 

LIVE LIVE LIVE
The ‘live’ coverage of press conferences by certain websites can be a very useful thing, but Mediawatch finds itself increasingly irritated about this ‘live’ coverage beginning hours before the press conference actually takes place. And clearly long before anybody knows what will be asked/said.

At 10.42am on Monday the Daily Mirror website published a story with this headline:

‘Arsenal press conference live as Unai Emery provides transfer update amid Ivan Perisic link’

What they didn’t mention in that headline: The press conference was scheduled for 1pm.

Still. Clickety-clickety-click.

 

Recommended reading of the day
Richard Jolly on Everton

Andy Brassell on Schalke

Julien Laurens on the mess of Henry at Monaco

 

More Related Articles