Chelsea’s blue away shirt has rattled us thoroughly but a Palace sash soothes the soul in our 2023/24 away kit rankings

Dave Tickner
An advert for the Manchester United away kit outside Lillywhites Sports Shop in London

We did home kits ages ago, but away and third kits are always slower to appear and even now there are still some gaps, alas. 

We’ll fill those in as and when we remember or can be bothered, but here’s what we’ve got so far…

 

32) Chelsea away
Is… is it possible they’ve fucked this up even more than the home kit? The shirt itself is actually pretty good. We genuinely like it. But that’s completely irrelevant, because Chelsea have launched it as a ’90s inspired shirt’ with a promotional video that is the single most 1980s thing we’ve ever seen. Neon grids! Boomboxes! Rubik’s cubes! Screaming poodle rock guitar! You’re an entire decade out here, lads. What the fuck is going on?

But even that’s not the worst thing, is it? The worst and most obvious problem with this Chelsea away kit is that this Chelsea away kit is fucking blue and thus fails the VERY FIRST TEST of an away kit. Lads, you’ve done two blue kits! And then made the shitter one the home kit! And then got your decades wrong! Chelsea is a mess of a football club right now and quite literally nothing displays this more clearly than this season’s kit fiasco. Utter shitshow.

 

31) Tottenham third
Now irredeemably doomed to be forever linked to that Carabao clusterfuck at Fulham, but worse is that this appears to be the football kit equivalent of that dress that looked different colours. Genuinely, what colour is this kit? It looks a completely different colour in every picture we’ve seen of it, with those who saw it in the flesh at Fulham suggesting it is in reality an enormously drab grey that is really hard to see. So not only is it that dress from the internet, it’s also that infamous grey kit that turned Manchester United invisible that time. Relentless banter from a relentless banter club.

We’re taking the liberty of putting two pictures of it in here because we think it’s necessary. And even both from the same official source to show we’re fully on the level. What colour is it? How are these pictures of the same kit?

 

30) Manchester United away
That’s just too many different stripes, isn’t it? Adidas have bollocksed up here, because the iconic three stripes get totally lost in the design while also making the whole thing messier. And even once you get past the design flaws, the olive green isn’t much of a colour choice either. Hopefully we see relatively little of this strobing eyesore, which somehow manages to be both too busy and too dull, because the first and third kits are both bangers.

  

29) Arsenal away

Adidas and Arsenal: historically, a near flawless combination. They’ve had some great, great kits together over the decades. Even the initially reviled ‘tractor running over a pile of sick’ effort soon become iconic and sufficiently fondly remembered to get the full retro treatment. This one, though, is just shit. Real shit. We don’t want to be too critical because we love mad and quirky away kits but as a general rule we’ve just made up about the Big Two, Adidas are better at classic lines and retro nods and Nike are better at this kind of caper. This is a mess. It’s supposed to evoke Islington and is inspired by the streets or some such marketing bumwhiff. But what it is, to repeat, is shit. We hope to still be around in 30 years when it is a beloved classic and gets a retro version.

 

28) Nottingham Forest third
We will always seek to defend third kits that do too much rather than too little, but this jazzy, stroby effort is definitely too much. The white collar is presumably an attempt to tie it to the home kit but doesn’t really work here. Points for effort, but not for execution. We don’t want to put anyone off doing mad third kits but there will be inevitable misses. Luckily for Forest, they’ve got a top-notch away kit to hugely soften the blow.

 

27) Burnley away

This is going to be an opinion-divider, we reckon. There’s lots to like about it. Asymmetric can be a boon on shirts, and it’s always good when home colours are included as accents on an away, but the single vertical stripe behind the badge just doesn’t quite work for reasons we can’t fully explain. The sort of spray effect? The fact it aligns perfectly with the badge but not with the big chunky sponsor logo? The fact we’re in a bit of a bad mood and quite constipated today? Any, all or none of these, but this is an Umbro misstep we feel. Which is rare.

 

26) Wolves away
One of the more forlorn existences for a football shirt, Wolves away. Rarely needed is it, what with the striking old goldness of their home kits. This red one is kinda fun, though. Certainly bold. Nice nods to the classic home colours in the details and the angular wolf from the club badge is obviously the inspiration for the main pattern. But here’s our thing with this shirt: for some reason – and our best guess is those black shoulders – it has the distinct look of a goalkeeper top.

 

25) Luton away
It is literally the home kit with the orange and white swapped around. It’s a neat way of doing away kits, but also undeniably lazy. Also in Luton’s case specifically, quite disorienting because last time they were in the top flight this would have been the home kit and the home kit would have been the away kit. They are actively trying to confuse your dad, because they are monsters.

 

24) West Ham third
Accepted club colours can and do go out of the window for third kits, but a bright blue West Ham kit still feels a bit jarring. Get past that and it’s okay. It’s certainly a better Chelsea kit than Chelsea’s kit.

 

23) Manchester City away
Loses marks for egregious marketing bullshit, because apparently this isn’t just an uninspiring if inoffensive white football shirt, it “celebrates the industrious beating heart of Manchester and the people who make it happen, the city’s grafters and crafters.” Whatever. A shame, because the copper detailing is not bad, actually. 

 

22) Aston Villa away
It’s… fine. But no more than that. Given some of the other Castore efforts knocking about this season it’s hard to escape the idea that Villa’s kits have been an afterthought. You’ve got a classic Villa away colourway here, but the collar doesn’t quite work and there’s really nothing memorable about it. In many ways the worst thing an away kit can be is forgettable. We do really like the new round club badge, mind.

 

21) Brighton away
Ah, that’s nice. They’ve given Brighton a Sassuolo shirt to make Roberto De Zerbi feel at home. Classy touch, that. Good shirt, too. And has a central stripe, the absence of which on the home shirt bothered us more than we care to admit.

 

20) Bournemouth third
It’s okay. Nice enough colourway, bit of a throwback to an old kit, looks a lot like it should actually be an Oxford United kit. It’s 6/10 basically and we have no strong opinion, no matter how hard we try. Not in the same class as the away kit, for sure.

 

19) Sheffield United third
A Sheffield United kit that quite literally looks like steel. Obvious, when you think about it.

 

18) Brentford away
It’s last season’s away kit, with Brentford having moved towards an admirable ‘two seasons per kit’ policy’ which is now wildly groundbreaking just 30 years or so after being the entirely accepted norm. Fair play to them anyway, it was a lovely away kit then and it’s a lovely away kit now.

 

17) Everton away
Is pink and navy now Everton’s go-to away colourway? Hope so, hope so. This isn’t quite as good as last year’s salmon beauty, but it’s still bold and beautiful. As with the home shirt, though, we’d love to see chevrons right down the sleeves because we’re pure suckers for a hummel chevron. Can’t have too many of them.

 

16) Sheffield United away
Looks like a Liverpool away shirt from the 80s. Should have Crown Paints across the front. But is quite nice?

 

15) Tottenham away
It’s good this, but it’s close to being brilliant. The template is good, the iridescent logos, which can be hit or miss, work well. It’s the colour that we have a very slight problem with. If this was a slightly more vibrant, more Spursish, navy blue it would be top five. But it’s just slightly understated, and in our view that’s a shame. Both this and Spurs’ deeply confusing third shirt look to us like your classic ‘designed more to look better with jeans than with the rest of a football kit’ capers.

 

14) Fulham away
The best football top to wear to go and watch Barbie and it isn’t close. Quite literally the pinkest football shirt we have ever seen.

 

13) Crystal Palace third
Love, love, love the home-colours-inspired collars and cuffs, and the rest of the shirt isn’t bad either. Looks like they’ve got the toddler who coloured in last season’s kits to have another go and we cannot stress enough that this is a positive. Palace got their home kit horribly wrong this season, but the away and third efforts are superb.

 

12) Newcastle third

Whatever you think about Newcastle, their next steps towards world domination are going to take place in some absolutely banging kits. As an overall collection, they definitely take top spot this season. Three hits out of three. Perfect third kit areas again here with a bold overall design and bright, popping accent colour across all the assorted logos and trim. Also has more chevrons than any of hummel’s kits this season and our views on chevrons are already known. All credit to Castore, this collection is a triumph.

 

11) Manchester United third

God that’s good. Love the retro devil logo, love the cleanness of the white. Comes with both red and white short options and while this is predominantly a shirt-based ratings we’d bloody love to see black shorts on this. Feels much more United, that. Anyway, it’s great and if we all pretend the away kit doesn’t exist United are going to look damn fine this season. Sponsor’s logo is crazy big, mind.

 

10) Liverpool third
Purple can be a tough one to pull off on a football shirt. It’s a bit of a Marmite colour at the best of times, with the added problem that if you get it wrong you end up looking like Harchester United and nobody wants that. Liverpool and Nike have avoided all the pitfalls here; it’s a lovely colour, lovely pattern and on a Nike template that takes us back to the 2002 World Cup. Strong.

 

9) Brentford third
It’s very good indeed. Umbro showing the way with mad change kits here, which isn’t necessarily what you’d pinpoint as one of their strengths. It’s a real standout kit which is good because the home kit was kind of boilerplate Brentford by numbers. This one is not that. The green shorts are mint, too. Literally. This is the only single-season kit of Brentford’s current crop. They announced last year that the smart, clean light-blue away effort would be 22/24, and this year’s slightly disappointing home shirt will run until the end of the 2025 season. This one is special, though, and only for this season.

 

8) Newcastle away
Tricky, this. Like Newcastle themselves it makes us feel uncomfortable because the sheer in-your-face brashness of the Saudi influence is troubling but you can’t deny that overall it’s working really well. The sort of remixed Newcastle stripes within the pattern succeed in a way that we queasily admire in making this a Newcastle top with Saudi influence rather than the other way round. Evil genius, basically. We hate that we love it.

 

7) West Ham away
Another brilliant away shirt. Lovely nods to the home colours in the detailing. And the pearlescent all-white logos are inspired. Give commentators nightmares by having all-white names and numbers too please, you brilliant mad bastards. Has any team ever been relegated in a better shirt than this?

 

6) Bournemouth away
Oh we do like to be beside the seaside. Is it if anything, Clive, almost a bit too obvious a motif for Bournemouth? Perhaps. But it’s bloody lovely. The plain sleeves and chunky deep blue collars and cuffs really finish it off perfectly too, and has the added benefit you often get with away kits of the sponsor letting their brand colours be messed about with to the enormous benefit of the shirt if not the sponsor’s visibility. We always assume it’s because it’s the home shirts the sponsors are hanging proudly in their corporate reception areas, but Dafabet should totally put this one on the wall anyway because it is art.

5) Arsenal third
Brilliant. Adidas once again show just how to do an obviously retro-inspired top but make it undeniably modern. The whole thing is a brilliant nod to adidas Arsenal kits of the late 80s, with the embroidered AFC on the collar and the cannon logo absolutely lovely touches. Great colour-scheme and collar just to finish everything off. The home kit is good but flawed, the away kit is a fiasco, but this one is elite.

 

4) Liverpool away
Spot on, this. Nike have a not-great record with retro-inspired efforts but they’ve got this one just right. Instantly evokes the mid-90s adidas green-and-white-quartered effort to the extent we can quite literally taste the Carlsberg, but the pattern and style of it is inescapably modern. So much better than just doing a straight homage/rip-off. Black collars and cuffs to tie it all together also excellent. Nike’s best ever Liverpool kit? We can’t think of a better one.

 

3) Manchester City third
Exactly what a third kit should be. Really, really good. Bold design, striking colours, and a bit of OTT neon for the logos and sponsor. Looks like the kit a team of soccer superheroes would wear in a baffling and seizure-inducing Saturday morning cartoon and that’s before you even see the bespoke font for the names and numbers. Erling Haaland is going to look even more otherworldly in this glorious nonsense of a shirt. Top marks.

 

2) Nottingham Forest away
There are some outstanding away kits this season, and this one is right up there. Looks like an Argentina shirt in a hall of mirrors. Which again to us is a bonus. The dark blue really ties it all together as well.

 

1) Crystal Palace away
Yes! Get the fuck in! Sash! Encore une fois! Macron have absolutely smashed this out of the park. A true big-boy-bothering effort. The sash is obviously an absolute winner, but the colour is great too, as is the old-school crossover v-neck collar. Even the sponsor looks good in its regular colours. We’re firmly in ‘10/10, no notes’ areas here.

 

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