Arsenal torn to shreds in never-before-seen scenes that are identical to previously seen scenes
The intrepid football media have been busy today, revealing truth behind claims that 2+2 might equal five, confirming a European semi-final will indeed have a referee and declaring a brilliant left-winger who makes very good right-backs look like fools to be an entirely unique and novel concept.
Dreams can come true
Another triumphant outing for the humble ‘as’ in the Mirror here as it continues its unstoppable ascent to the very apex of headline language.
REVEALED! Truth behind Marcus Rashford to Man City claims as Man Utd star eyes dream transfer move this summer
The truth that has been REVEALED? There are no ‘Rashford to Man City claims’. Not real ones, anyway. Just ones where the Mirror and their tabloid pals add two and two together, unsubtly hint that this may well equal five but then concede that there is no actual reason to believe it might equal five.
According to The Mail, [Rashford’s brother and agent Dwaine] Maynard’s presence a stone’s throw from outgoing City transfer chief Txiki Begiristain and his successor Hugo Viana doesn’t necessarily mean a deal for Rashford is imminent. The same publication reports that Rashford himself – who has been a United player since the age of seven – has shown no signs of preferring a move to his boyhood club’s rivals.
Quite literally nothing has been revealed here. But wait a second? Guys? You said it was his dream move? Ah, here we see once again the full awesome power of ‘as’ when it comes to not-technically-lies headline mischief-making.
Villa have an option to buy him for £40million, but he is understood to favour a Barcelona switch.
He doesn’t just favour it, guys. He’s eyeing it. Which we think is about two steps above favouring.
Identical twins
Mediawatch apologises yet again, but alas we have no choice today but to bring you yet another instalment of Words Have Meanings.
Today’s word is identical, defined in the dictionary thus: ‘similar in every detail; exactly alike’.
Which brings us to this intro from The Sun…
PARIS SAINT-GERMAIN have unlocked a cheat code after scoring two identical goals against Arsenal and Liverpool in the Champions League.
Now we watched both games and were not struck by the identical nature of Ousmane Dembele’s goals in those games beyond them both coming early in the game and both after Dembele was himself heavily involved in the build-up. We’re also not really sure any of this constitutes a ‘cheat code’, now we think about it. But back to the main issue.
The Sun spend several paragraphs marvelling at a ‘carbon copy’ of a goal that meant ‘déjà vu all over again’. Before eventually, grudgingly conceding two ‘small differences’ in these otherwise similar in every detail and exactly alike goals.
But there were two small differences between the goals against Arsenal and Liverpool.
The first was that Dembele ran through the middle of the box to finish from close range after being (sic) his compatriot Ibrahima Konate against Arne Slot’s side.
And he spread the ball out to Bradley Barcola on the right wing, instead of the left.
So a completely different run and finish applied to a completely different kind of assist from a completely different player on entirely the opposite side of the pitch. Truly a pair of twins as identical as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito.
MORE ARSENAL COVERAGE ON F365…
👉 Arsenal struggle for answers to Paris St-Germain’s quick, quick, slow energy
👉 ‘Wrong decision’: Rooney says Declan Rice ‘cost’ Arsenal in Champions League defeat to PSG
👉 Arsenal: Arteta told to drop one star for PSG second leg, ‘find way’ to start ‘fearless’ Gunners teammate
Winging it
Mediawatch assumes we can all agree that Khvicha Kvaratskhelia is an excellent and watchable footballer who did some excellent and watchable things against Arsenal last night, but we can’t help think the Daily Mail have slightly lost the run of themselves with this headline.
Khvicha Kvaratskhelia cut Arsenal to shreds in their Champions League semi-final… we have NEVER seen a player like the Georgian genius
That’s some mighty big talk after a performance in which Kvaratskhelia contributed one assist, admittedly also making Jurrien Timber look a bit of a mug for the first 20 minutes before everything calmed down a bit and he continued to play quite well if not quite as impressively as in those opening exchanges.
Not sure that quite justifies this WE HAVE NEVER SEEN THE LIKE talk. It’s not even the first notable example of a left-winger making a top-class right-back look a damn fool in the Champions League in north London.
Craig Hope’s eventual justification for this hyperbole is that Kvaratskhelia possesses all the attacking trickery of Proper Wingers of the before times like George Best, but also does small amounts of defending which simply did not happen in the good old days.
Kvaratskhelia was the game’s best winger. But he was also the game’s best player for what he did in his own half – tackling, tracking and irritating in a way his own adversary, Timber, could not. It was he who cleared from inside the goalmouth as the hosts pressed for a late equaliser.
Forget old fashioned, we have never seen his like before.
An attacking player doing some last-gasp defending in the closing minutes of a game as his team protects a slender lead? Yes, these truly are unprecedented scenes.
Oh brother
Bit of genuinely harmless fun from The Sun here, but we can’t help but feel their insatiable thirst for puns has slightly spoiled it.
JONAS BROTHER: Newcastle legend, 41, spotted busking in city centre… can you tell who it is?
We’ve not looked at the pictures but is it by any chance Jonas Gutierrez? Just a guess.
We hope this becomes a series, anyway.
SHEAR CLASS: Newcastle legend spotted presenting awards at local school… can you tell who it is?
DYER STRAITS: Former Newcastle star spotted in Gibraltar… can you tell who it is?
LASCELLES SELLS SEA SHELLS: Former Newcastle defender now runs shell-selling business by sea shore… can you tell who it is?
That’s more than enough of that.
UPDATE: They’ve since updated the kicker to ‘NAME THAT TOON’ which is far better in every way, so well done everyone.
Major misunderstanding
Huge news from the ever-intrepid Manchester Evening News team here.
UEFA confirm major decision for Athletic Bilbao vs Man United Europa League semi-final
That ‘major decision’ is genuinely that yes, the Europa League semi-final first leg will indeed have a professional referee assisted by the usual assortment of additional officials. More as we get it.