Ten phenomenal last-ditch tackles, including ‘crouching tiger’ Van Dijk’s perfect timing
Virgil van Dijk, Phil Jones and James Tomkins surely have a group chat discussing the art of the last-ditch tackle. Spurs should probably try to avoid them.
Articles By John Nicholson
Football is selfish, weird and abusive on workers’ rights; ask Lassana Diarra
Footballers are men and women, not chattels or assets, though they are treated as such by clubs and agents. It’s barbaric, says John Nicholson.
Van Dijk assault and Saka harrassment feature in ten terrible unpunished fouls
There is a dash of old-school British midfielder in there but some of the worst unpunished fouls ever were inflicted on Liverpool and Arsenal only recently.
Welcome to the exhibition Premier League, where anyone can beat anyone else but almost never does
‘Anyone can beat anyone else in the Premier League’ is fine marketing spiel but also provable nonsense when five teams have no wins from six games.
Ten iconic pitch invaders include Ronaldo undresser, England impostor and *that* Everton protestor
The woke police and Cristiano Ronaldo will say pitch invasion is not something which should be celebrated in football, but it has spawned some great moments.
Chelsea offer football as entertainment and nothing else; is that okay?
In an all-too-real way, Chelsea might be an early example of the future. They are a batsh*t club but they are winning football matches.
Phil Jones obviously features in list of ten ‘what was he doing?’ own goals
We’ve all seen ‘what was he doing?’ own goals. Never mind the accidental tap-ins or headers, these are ten really big bodges. So there is some Phil Jones.
Do FA have balls to defy UEFA and their ‘corporate brothel’?
UEFA threatening the FA for trying to regulate football is absurd and John Nicholson is predictably angry.
Ten acts of footballing fury include Barclaysmen teammates fighting and Antony anger
As the Premier League returns, let’s look at some real moments of fury on the pitch. You don’t want to see that? Of course we do…
Carsley anthem anger is ‘stupidity for consumption by the stupidocracy’
Our Johnny Nic is very, very angry at the confected anger about Lee Carsley not singing his allegiance to the royal family.
Old Trafford was ‘almost embarrassingly silent’ but Sky insist on selling Man Utd v Liverpool as must-watch
Trust Sky Sports to oversell a game and pretend it will be 90 minutes of action. Manchester United v Liverpool was a masterclass in selling sh*t as sugar.
Eleven mad mascots, from one-minute-silence stalwart Gunnersaurus to problematic Everton…thing
John Nicholson takes us through some of the most bizarre mascots in Premier League history, with Arsenal loyalist Gunnersaurus quite inevitably featuring.
The Premier League: boring, over-hyped, self-satisfied, predictable and often just quite simply bad
It’s fair to say the opening two weekends of the new Premier League season have not left Johnny Nic overly impressed with what he’s seen.
I had a stroke but the magnetic power of football helped hold my life together
Our Johnny has written a book about his experiences of having a stroke. Football helped save him, hence why he rallies against the big money and corporate values.
Ten of the worst shots ever, including David Luiz, Fred and two bona fide Premier League legends
Manchester United are represented twice on this list of the worst shots by an elite-level professional footballer ever. Cristiano Ronaldo cannot complain.
Ten proper volleys, including Manchester United title winner clincher and Zidane magic
After the admin of clearing up precisely what constitutes a ‘proper volley’, it is time to marvel at Manchester United’s title winner and the Zidane swivel.
Disband the PGMOL; the new version of VAR is even worse than the last
The tedious farce of VAR continues to soil an ever-dysfunctional and uninteresting product: The Premier League.
‘The best league in the world’ has backed itself into a financial corner and cannot fix broken model
Premier League executives cannot maintain the idea of competition if the same teams finish in the same places. But removing those sides eliminates the money
Pardew versus Wenger, Pellegrini and Meyler among ten times managers were really silly
Alan Pardew is the king of such nonsense but plenty of other managers have indulged in some bizarre behaviours, including Jose Mourinho and Pep Guardiola.
The stupid thuggishness of summer riots will be calmed by Valium of football
Football will be the Valium that calms this rage. That or the rain. But remember that none of this is new.
Steven Gerrard obviously leads list of worst mistakes leading to a goal, including Van Dijk
The Steven Gerrard slip against Chelsea is obviously first up but he is far from alone in making a monumental individal error leading to a goal.
Why do Team GB not have a men’s football team at the Olympics? Because of sweet FA…
There is no reason for the English, Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish FAs to treat the idea of a GB men’s football team at the Olympics with such suspicion.
Remembering 10 of the most unusual red cards ever shown in the Premier League
We’re not interested in a red card for a slightly late challenge here; we want unusual red cards that had us all chorusing ‘did you see that?’
The Premier League is like Budweiser: Gassy, hollow and soulless
Do we already know what the Premier League top six will be? Is the top flight a sealed league for the big clubs?
The nine greatest purveyors of the long throw-in, including Liverpool world-record holder Andy Gray scoffed at
A Liverpool coach who Andy Gray criticised and an Arsenal enemy who reduced Spurs goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes to tears are long throw-in heroes.
Scotland ‘saved from an England win’; that’s not racist, it’s rational
Scotland has been either ignored or exploited by England for years so don’t get upset when they support Anyone but England.
Ten of the most outrageous free-kicks features the time Cristiano Ronaldo actually scored one
Come right this way for your Beckhams, your Cristiano Ronaldos back when he could take the odd free-kick, and most importantly your Juninho Pernambucanos.
Is Gareth Southgate ‘too liberal, wet and ghastly’ for you? He wins England games
Gareth Southgate is the best manager England have ever had. That’s just counting, says John Nicholson. And there are no points for aesthetics.
Ten brilliant goals from keepers, including header which rescued Liverpool and obviously Jimmy Glass
Jose Luis Chilavert’s ears will be burning as it is time to run down the greatest goals scored by keepers. Liverpool and Manchester United get a mention.
Offside toenails, Tyldesley’s exit and million-pound-per-month footballers – why do we just accept it all?
The offside toenails and involuntary handballs in the Germany v Denmark game were yet more proof that we do not matter to football’s wealthy overlords.