Cheeky Punt: Orlando Bloom can do it, why can’t i?

Date published: Wednesday 10th August 2016 7:35

You can safely say you’ve reached rock bottom in life when you are betting on ITF Georgian Futures tennis at 7.35am on a Thursday morning while stuck in a traffic jam.

Thankfully the young Lithuanian right-hander Lukas Mugevicius showed some real cojones to get the win for me at 4/7.

Yet my joy was somewhat short lived after I purchased a tabloid newspaper on the way in to work. My attention was immediately drawn to Orlando Bloom and pictures of him naked while ‘paddle boarding’ on holiday with Katy Perry.

Why is it then that when a Lord of the Rings actor gets his c*ck out in Sardinia it is considered ‘erotic’. Yet when I got ‘Chairman Mao’ out in the Princess Helena the other week the landlord threatened me with a barring and a subsequent stint on the sex offenders register? It’s this type of inconsistency that makes me loathe modern celebrity.




Saturday was a complete kick in said Mao for yours truly. I didn’t get in until 6.30am following a night out in Middlesbrough, and was blowing out of my a*se – full to the brim of beer fear – all day as a result.

Worse still, I had £250 on Rangers to beat Hamilton at 4/11. I thought I was buying money. The Gers, back in the Scottish Premiership for the first time since 2012, were appalling and end up drawing 1-1.

Worse was to follow. All week I had fancied Norwich and Ipswich, but after dragging myself to the bookies after bullying a Double Sausage & Egg McMuffin ended up putting Charlton is all my coupons.

£400 down for the day, I decided to chase on Barcelona to beat Liverpool in the International Champions Cup. Cue a truly shambolic display from the Catalans in a 4-0 loss at Wembley. Seriously, if this is how football wagering is going to be every weekend in 2016/17, you can f*cking ram it. I’ll find myself a new hobby. Like extreme ironing. Or collecting naval fluff from chimpanzees.




Modern technology is mind blowing sometimes. Without social media I would not have been able to witness a drunken argument between two of my mates on Sunday night around the merits of Adam Peaty winning BBC Sports Personality of the Year.

One of my pals has been talking up the Uttoxeter man-fish up to win SPOTY for four months and insisted I back him at 40/1. Which I did. And I have to say my £60 each-way bet is looking half tidy now with Peaty no bigger than 12/1 to win the award in December. However another mate is less than convinced a young 21-year-old in speedos will garner more votes than Andy Murray should the dour Scot compliment his Wimbledon win by claiming another Olympic singles gold.

There has been verbal jousting for weeks but things reached a murky crescendo on Sunday night on WhatsApp after both men (I am assuming) had been out on the lash. The insults became very personal and when another lad chipped in that he didn’t think a swimmer would get enough votes “world records or no world records” Carzy, the pro-Peaty pal of mine, went berserk before signing off with a quote that I think will stay with me for the rest of my life. Namely, “If a*seholes could fly, this place would be a f*cking airport”.


Cheeky’s Punt of the Week: Leicester City to beat Hull City at 21/20 (bet365)

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