The ‘boffins’ claim that the transfer value of Darwin Nunez is almost £100m while Erik ten Hag finally moves out of the Ole Gunnar Solskjaer shadow.
F*** all the way boff
Ladies and gentlemen, it is 2023 and The Sun are still using the word ‘boffins’ to describe basically anybody who works on a computer.
On this occasion they are referring to the ‘boffins’ who have calculated the value of various footballers and decided that Erling Haaland is the most valuable player in the world. Who would have thought that a 52-goal, 22-year-old striker on a long contract would be worth rather a lot of money? Boffins, that’s who.
Now the boffins at the CIES Football Observatory have estimated that he is the MVP of world football, using figures such as age, performances and the remaining duration of contracts to work out players’ values.
‘Using figures such as…performances’ has made us laugh rather more than it should.
But not half as much as the ‘boffins’ deciding that Darwin Nunez is ‘worth’ £98.2m, a number that should make every other calculation entirely worthless. Have they tried switching it off and on again?
Man Utd transfer live latest transfer live
Obviously the real juice is in pretending that Manchester United are about to make a signing and/or get taken over, with the Mirror throwing themselves into the theme…
Man Utd takeover LIVE: Ten Hag closing in on first transfer amid Glazers’ silence
And which transfer is Ten Hag ‘closing in on’? F*** knows. There are no details of said ‘first transfer’ because it’s all a massive sham. And we are the idiots that clicked. And we also clicked on this absolute doozy:
Erik ten Hag appears to drop transfer hint as Man Utd exit confirmed
Which is a hell of a way to spin the ‘exit’ of a player who was only ever on loan anyway.
Can sending back a loan player be a ‘transfer hint’? It absolutely can if you’re the Mirror, who have decided that Jack Butland joining Rangers is a ‘transfer hint’ that ‘Erik ten Hag could be moving towards making David de Gea his backup goalkeeper at Man United amid reports linking Porto’s Diogo Costa and Brentford’s David Raya to the club’.
Frankly, we’ve rarely read anything so shamelessly shite. And we have read a lot of shameless shite.
Mind you, there is serious competition here…
Man Utd consider Declan Rice swap deal after Bayern Munich complication emerges
We’re not sure we’re ready for a world where ‘swap deal’ now means ‘alternative’. But you can be damned sure the Mirror will throw us headfirst into such a world if it means clicks, glorious clicks.
This is the Hend
But what’s even better than a Manchester United transfer? A Manchester United exit, of course. So here’s the Express…
Man Utd boss Ten Hag’s first summer victim ‘stormed out of training’ and axed from squad
And when did ‘first summer victim’ Dean Henderson – who spent the whole of last season on loan at Nottingham Forest – ‘storm out of training’? January 2022, that’s when. He ‘stormed out of training’ in January 2022.
And for how long was he ‘axed from squad’? Let’s let the Express take up the story…
The former Sheffield United loanee then found himself excluded from action for a short while…
Pesky fact: He was literally on the bench five days later.
Welcome to cull
Obviously Dean Henderson is just the ‘first summer victim’ but there are expected to be many more. The Sun have an interesting take on the situation:
Erik ten Hag prepares to take an axe to Solskjaer’s Man Utd legacy as he ‘draws up eight-man transfer exit list’
What sodding legacy? Can a manager who lost a Europa League final and several cup semi-finals be said to have a ‘legacy’? Surely a manager with a 54% win rate who was sacked over 18 months ago and has been replaced by a trophy winner with a 68% win rate has no ‘legacy’? Not as a manager anyway.
ERIK TEN HAG could offload EIGHT Manchester United players to help bring in big names like Harry Kane and Mason Mount.
The Old Trafford chief is reportedly ready to shred the legacy of ex-boss Ole Gunnar Solskjaer – despite coming a creditable third in the Premier League and winning the EFL Cup in his debut season.
Oh he is ‘shredding the legacy’ now? ‘Despite’ finishing third with a most-used XI that featured four new signings and literally none of the players who are likely to leave this summer.
Centre-back Harry Maguire, plus midfielders Fred and Scott McTominay and frontman Anthony Martial, might be off this summer.
But the first symbol of a split from Solskjaer’s regime could see Dean Henderson turn his loan at Nottingham Forest into a permanent deal.
The ‘first symbol of a split from Solskjaer’s regime’ was probably when he was sacked in November 2021. The second was Ten Hag’s plan to replace the entirety of Solskjaer’s midfield. The third was likely when he dropped Solskjaer’s captain Maguire. The fourth might have been when he chased Solskjaer’s friend Ronaldo out of the building.
But are we claiming this is Solskjaer’s Manchester United side until the minute they sell a goalkeeper who has literally played 29 games for the club?