What they want: Denis Suarez. Ivan Perisic. Idrissa Gueye. Christopher Nkunku. Anyone who they don’t have to sign until the summer at the earliest, basically.
What they need: Wingers. Bloody hell, they need wingers. And a right-back. And probably a creative midfielder.
What they’ve said: “The message is the club is working on different players and the possibility if it can be good for us. We are looking at two different players and the possibility they can come.”
What they’ll get: Laughed at, as per. But also Denis Suarez.
What they want: To keep their best players. There remains room for improvement in Bournemouth’s squad, but their incomings are surely done. The next step is to avoid any outgoings.
What they need: Having signed a centre-half and a centre-forward in this window, central-midfield reinforcement would be useful. But they will know that if they ask about Danny Drinkwater’s availability, the response will include any combination of the words ‘Nathan’, ‘Ake’, ‘Callum’, ‘Wilson’, ‘part’ and ‘exchange’.
What they’ve said: “From my perspective, we hope the majority of our business is done, if not all of it, but there’s one game to go. But you can’t say with any certainty what will happen. We are very happy with the business we have done during this window but I have learnt not to give clear-cut answers in this situation as you may have to act in the last few hours. We hope our business is finished.”
What they’ll get: A quiet 24 hours in an otherwise manic month.
What they want: A bit of peace and quiet. They’ve signed 17 first-team players since summer 2017; as Chris Hughton said in December, many of them “are still developing”.
What they need: Nothing, really. They’ve even managed to offload Ezequiel Schelotto to some unwitting sods in Italy.
What they’ve said: “We continue saying ‘you never know’ until it finishes because something could happen in that period of time. But we’re very happy with the squad we’ve got and in particular players we bought last summer and last January, who have worked their way into the team. At the moment, I think we’ve got a good and very balanced squad, so I don’t see any business, but as I say, you never know.”
What they’ll get: Praise for already having signed a player with the greatest name ever.
What they want: Another striker. Chris Wood, Ashley Barnes and Sam Vokes are various stages of the same mid-life crisis, while 5ft 11ins Matej Vydra is far too short for Sean Dyche to even spot him.
What they need: To wrap Tom Heaton in cotton wool. But yeah, another striker.
What they’ve said: “It’s forever difficult. (There are) situations, possibles, not many probables at the moment, and that’s just the way it is. January is very tough, everyone knows that, we don’t say it just to throw a line out there, I think it just is. I still would sign players if they are right for what we need, and we want to do that on an ongoing basis, for that in-house demand.”
What they’ll get: Either Peter Crouch or Che Adams, if reports are to be believed. So that’s a 38-year-old, 6ft 7ins striker with Premier League experience, or a 5ft 9ins 22-year-old who has never played in the top flight. Lord only knows which one Burnley will pick.
What they want: Defenders. And plenty of them. Sean Morrison’s appendix operation meant Lee Peltier made only his fifth Premier League start of the season at right-back against Arsenal, with Bruno Ecuele Manga and Sol Bomba partnered at centre-half. With Joe Bennett at left-back, their only defensive substitutes were goalkeeper Alex Smithies and full-back Greg Cunningham. Stinky.
What they need: Defenders. And plenty of them. Sean Morrison’s appendix operation meant Lee Peltier made only his fifth Premier League start of the season at right-back against Arsenal, with Bruno Ecuele Manga and Sol Bomba partnered at centre-half. With Joe Bennett at left-back, their only defensive substitutes were goalkeeper Alex Smithies and full-back Greg Cunningham. Stinky.
What they’ve said: “If we don’t sign anybody, we don’t sign anybody. I don’t think we’ll be doing anything striker-wise. We’re still trying to bring in one or two defensive players so we’ve got a choice with Morrison being out, so that’s what we’ll work on, trying to get one or two of those two over the line. Because we are short in numbers there. We are working hard behind the scenes to try and bring one or two in.”
What they’ll get: Adrien Tameze, Almamy Toure or another defender we have never heard of. But a defender. Definitely a defender.
What they want: A central midfielder to replace the central midfielder who never played anyway. And to keep Callum Hudson-Odoi.
What they need: If they’re honest, nothing. Cesc Fabregas played 175 Premier League minutes this season, so has hardly left a gaping hole in the squad.
What they’ve said: “You know very well my opinion. I thought, for us, it was important to have two players. One has arrived and I am waiting for the other. But if he will arrive, I will be very happy. Otherwise I have to work with these players. It’s not a big problem for me. Of course I have to adapt players in that position.”
What they’ll get: Maybe Nicolo Barrella. Maybe Adrien Rabiot. Maybe Elseid Hysaj. Maybe Danny Drinkwater’s locker freed up.
What they want: Before Connor Wickham and Jordan Ayew reminded us all of their existence in the space of four weeks, a striker. Now, not so much.
What they need: Seriously, nothing really. They have solid mid-table Premier League squad with a solid mid-table Premier League manager. Some solid mid-table Premier League results would be nice.
What they’ve said: “We’re not in a position where we can let players go. We’ve let eight go since the summer, we’ve trimmed down enormously. We’re not looking to move players out. If anything, we’ve got a vacancy for someone to come in if the right man turns up.”
What they’ll get: Probably another completely random fella from Scandinavia.
What they want: To keep everyone’s grubby mitts off Idrissa Gueye. And to right the wrongs of previous regimes. We’re looking at you, Morgan Schneiderlin.
What they need: Exits, not arrivals.
What they’ve said: “They know what my ideas are but it’s up to us as a club to decide if we can do it now or not. We have to look to the future to do what we cannot do now.”
What they’ll get: A couple of players out of the door. And apparently Michy Batshuayi for £35m, which is almost the exact opposite of the message the club has been sending out about their transfer business this month.
What they want: Some defenders who can actually defend, and perhaps a court jester of some sort to keep Aleksandar Mitrovic happy.
What they need: “A leader”, if Claudio Ranieri is to be believed. Ryan Babel was apparently not that man.
What they’ve said: “We are looking for good opportunities. I think the recruitment, Tony Khan and everybody are working hard to give us the opportunity for me to choose the best for the team.”
What they’ll get: Christopher Samba and Robert Huth, retired or not. And any other available centre-half over the age of 30 with Premier League experience.
What they want: Difficult to say. Karlan Grant has joined in a move that suggests they are already preparing for the Championship. The absolute last thing on their agenda will be to spend huge amounts in a forlorn attempt to stay up.
What they need: Another forward, one versatile enough to either lead the line or have an impact out wide, wouldn’t go amiss.
What they’ve said: “I’m in touch with recruitment, so we are working on things. Maybe there is something, maybe not, you will see.”
What they’ll get: Possibly another promising player from the lower leagues that they can mould. They are unlikely to be able to tempt quality players to join a team marooned at the bottom of the table.
What they want: Youri Tielemans.
What they need: Youri Tielemans
What they’ve said: “We need to keep our focus for the next transfer window and see what good options we have to strengthen our squad without pressure. This window is never a good situation. Maybe to give a player an early start and teach good habits. We have information to improve the team in the future. If this is not right period then we will be wise.”
What they’ll get: Youri Tielemans, 14 seconds after the deadline.
What they want: Everyone to stop pretending they want to sign anyone.
What they need: Everyone to stop pretending they need to sign anyone.
What they’ve said: “I’m very happy with what I’ve got but I’ve always said, you don’t know. I’ll keep the door open. If something dramatically changes, we will need to have a look but if nothing happens, then we will not do anything.”
What they’ll get: If anything, a younger player for the future who will cherish his Premier League winner’s medal. Or Steven Caulker.
What they want: A central midfielder, provided the wages make sense.
What they need: Seriously, a central midfielder. Even Fernandinho himself is starting to make costly mistakes.
What they’ve said: “I’m not involved in the negotiations of the players. I give my opinion, we do our best, I’m so satisfied. The club is incredible, working perfectly. Sometimes the players come, sometimes they go to another place. We tried but when players don’t want to come what can we do?”
What they’ll get: The square root of bugger all.
What they want: A centre-half. It just depends whether they will wait until the summer when there is more certainty surrounding their manager and sporting director.
What they need: A carer for Phil Jones.
What they’ve said: “I’m not too involved in the negotiations so whatever happens, happens, but it’ll be good to get the window closed and keep improving the players in the squad still here.”
What they’ll get: Andy Kellett.
What they want: A left-back. Paul Dummett is but one hunk of a man. Monaco’s Antonio Barreca is the fella they’re after, while Andreas Samaris and some guy from MLS are also on their radar.
What they need: Some actual levels of investment. Rafael Benitez kept Newcastle in the Premier League with three loans in January. Imagine what might happen if he was given money.
What they’ve said: “Yesterday I didn’t know where we were. Today before the game they told me we are progressing with some names. Now we have to see if we finalise everything and it’s right. I think they would be good deals for us.”
What they’ll get: A club-record signing!
What they want: What they really, really want? For Manolo Gabbiadini and Charlie Austin to join Wesley Hoedt and Cedric Soares on the scrapheap.
What they need: A right-back. Like, massively.
What they’ve said: “We’ll only do a transfer if it helps us immediately. If a new player comes in now, it will take time to get used to our philosophy, so I think the most successful way to work is in the summer where we have a full pre-season and can work six weeks with new players.”
What they’ll get: Someone from the Bundesliga. Whatever happens, it can’t possibly be worse than splashing out £19.2m for Guido Carrillo.
What they want: For Harry Kane not to be so delicate.
What they need: It would be weird for an already stretched squad to lose a central midfielder in Mousa Dembele and a winger in Georges-Kevin Nkoudou without replacing them.
What they’ve said: “You know how we work. In the last minute everything can happen. Of course different players maybe will have the opportunity to leave the club. We’re going to see. Of course there’s not too much time. A few days ago I was very optimistic about some options to sign – realistic options to sign – but today no, I’m not optimistic.”
What they’ll get: You know the answer.
What they want: To be left alone so they can watch Sky Sports News in their own pit of oblivious self-loathing.
What they need: Absolutely nothing. The absolute disgraces are busy making 11 changes to beat Premier League sides away from home. They’re fine.
What they’ve said: “In this moment, maybe different things happen, but I am happy with the squad I have. With the players we have we can complete a very good season and if in one week something changes, we will see. But at the moment I prefer to value the players I have because they deserve that. We have to be demanding with the players and we have to be ambitious with them, too.”
What they’ll get: Nowt, chief.
What they want: To mend an ego shattered by the public climbdown over the now-injured Marko Arnautovic.
What they need: On that note, a striker. Even if Arnautovic’s absence is a short-term one, his back-ups are Andy Carroll (broken), Javier Hernandez (one-dimensional) and Lucas Perez (Lucas Perez).
What they’ve said: “Nothing at the moment.”
What they’ll get: This is West Ham. It really could be anything from Maxi Gomez to Benni McCarthy.
What they want: To sign Jonny Castro Otto on a permanent deal as reward for his having a wonderful name.
What they need: A striker. Although Raul Jimenez really isn’t doing all that bad whatsoever.
What they’ve said: “I agree that it’s more difficult to sign players in January. You don’t have the same numbers of players available. It doesn’t make sense to bring someone in that you don’t find different to what you already have. The other point is knowing what you sometimes want, or the profile you want, is not available in the transfer window because they are doing well in other teams and they don’t want to sell. At the same time, all the names that have been linked to us is a guessing game for journalists, trying to guess players who are not true.”
What they’ll get: Big Spanish Jon.