Rice drops Harry Kane Man Utd transfer reminder, Rashford breaks his silence, and a new low for the supercomputer

Declan Rice has been sending Harry Kane transfer reminders except not really, obviously, and the supercomputer is phoning it in. Plus, inevitably, more Jack Grealish. It can only be Mediawatch…

Rice balls
We understand the Manchester Evening News need to make everything about Manchester United. The clue is in the name and in our weaker moments we’d even concede to a grudging respect for their ability to so very consistently make 2+2 = Man Utd.

Sometimes, though, they just pure take the piss. Take this headline, for instance.

Declan Rice has sent Manchester United transfer reminder to Harry Kane

Now what’s this very specific transfer reminder Declan Rice has sent Harry Kane? Has he said something cheeky in an England press conference? Done an ill-judged social media post perhaps? Or has he six days ago captained West Ham to Europa Conference League glory?

Obviously, it’s the last one. Obviously, when captaining his boyhood club to their first major trophy since 1980 and becoming the first West Ham captain to lift a European pot since actual Bobby Moore, Rice’s first thought will have been ‘Harry Kane’ and his second thought will have been ‘Manchester United’.

The actual piece itself is really no better than the headline. It starts off bemoaning the fact Daniel Levy won’t be as open about Harry Kane’s future as West Ham are about Rice’s, before acknowledging that Levy and Spurs have actually been entirely open, they just aren’t giving the answer United and thus the MEN would like.

Anyway, the rather shaky hook upon which the entire thing stands is that on England duty this week other players may be getting their medals out and Kane will be so overcome with FOMO that he decides he must join United.

As the bleary-eyed Manchester City players arrive at the England camp this week after their Treble success, Rice is one of few others who can also show off a cup winners’ medal in the dressing room.

Marcus Rashford, Luke Shaw and Harry Maguire may dare show their League Cup medallions while the Liverpool contingent have probably already lost their Community Shield accolades after how the season unfolded.

We’ll be honest, we adore the idea of England’s players turning up with their medals like it’s a special assembly on the final day of school. We’re also fond of the elite second-mentioning here that turns medals into first ‘medallions’ and then the vaguely absurd ‘accolades’. Disappointing lack of ‘gongs’ but we’ll move on.

Kane cannot even say he has the luxury of misplacing such an item. The England skipper will turn 30 next month as all-time top scorer for club and country, but with no trophy to show for it.

One wonders how envious he was to see West Ham and Rice taste silverware success before himself at Tottenham.

He has an option to change the narrative. That opportunity won’t come at Spurs unless Ange Postecoglou becomes the next Claudio Ranieri.

Now that’s a bit jarring isn’t it? Even if we accept the shaky foundation of this argument, to go from ‘West Ham taste silverware’ to ‘That opportunity won’t come at Spurs’ is a bit of a leap in logic. If one weren’t desperately seeking a Man United angle to this, one could even argue that Rice winning something with his first club – a far less likelier trophy-winner than Spurs – might make Kane all the more determined to get something beyond individual awards on his Tottenham honours list before he buggers off.

Or that it might make him want to join West Ham, who have now won precisely as many trophies as Manchester United in the last six years.

Of course, if your argument is that seeing all these shiny medals around his England team-mates’ necks will make him want some of his own, one might even come to the conclusion that this would more likely send him into the arms of Real Madrid (two Champions Leagues, two La Ligas, one Copa del Rey, and two FIFA Club World Cups in six years) than Manchester United (one Carabao Cup in six years).

But no. Rice has reminded Kane that he must join Man United, because that is what the MEN has decided West Ham winning the Conference is all about, before the cognitive dissonance truly disappears off the scales with the payoff.

In a loyalty-lacking football climate, it should be admired that the superstar wishes to stay at his boyhood club. But Kane knows the odds of Spurs challenging for a trophy next season are minimal.

Rice’s joyous night in Prague will have sent a reminder to Kane about what he risks by being loyal.

Rice’s joyous night with his boyhood club shows Kane what he risks by remaining with his boyhood club?

Just say you want him to join Manchester United because you support Manchester United. And don’t bring Declan Rice into it; he has sent no reminder of any kind to anyone about anything here, lads.

Trebles all round
‘Rashford breaks silence on Man City treble’ parps The Sun. It’s been three whole days. And what did he say – sorry ‘admit’ – after this lengthy period of silent reflection?

“It is not nice but it is football.”

What a scoop. He didn’t like it, but he had to go along with it.

Priorities
Also in The Sun, mining that rich, rich Jack Grealish seam, comes the following point-missing headline:

Inside Jack Grealish’s rise from lad with footie dream to man who’s hit with ladies

Yes, the ‘footie dream’ may not have worked out for the England international and Manchester City treble-winner, but at least the ladies love him. Swings and roundabouts.

We must also note the following sentence comparing Grealish, inevitably, to Gazza: ‘But unlike Jack, he had a troubled side and well-publicised controversies…’

Must be a different Sun newspaper, then, that splashed ‘Jack Grealish hippy crack storm’ tales three times in 2015 and 2016. And a different Jack Grealish who was banned from driving and fined £80,000 for motoring offences including crashing his white Range Rover and clipping parked cars while also apparently breaking Covid restrictions in 2020.

We’re not raking this stuff up to gotcha Grealish or suggest he’s a bad egg. The ‘hippy crack’ stuff in particular was really never more than a classic tabloid moral panic. But to say Grealish has had no ‘well-publicised controversies’ is simply untrue. And it’s just always fascinating how quickly a narrative can be rewritten and the past – even past editions of the same newspaper – forgotten.

And it’ll happen again. At some point, every single tabloid hack will turn on a dime and highlight this last week’s escapades as obvious evidence of Grealish’s flawed character when that narrative suits them, instantly forgetting every piece from the last four days noting ‘hilarious moments’ and marvelling at what ‘a lad’ he is and so forth.

OK Computer
Mediawatch is well aware that its Supercomputer obsession is becoming unhealthy, but this must be the best use of the space-age predictive technology yet from The Sun.

Supercomputer predicts opening round of fixtures for 2023/24 Premier League season… so who does your team get?

First up, we were under the impression there was already a computer for this task: the fixture computer, known for its mischievous fondness for throwing up spicy narrative-heavy games at opportune moments. We love the fixture computer. Not as much as we love the supercomputer, but still a lot. Should the supercomputer really be parking its tanks on the fixture computer’s lawn like this?

And what of the logical end point of all this: a fixture supercomputer? Truly terrifying.

But also, and arguably even more importantly, does it really require any computing power at all to arrange the 20 Premier League teams into 10 opening-day matches? A whole season of fixtures, sure, that’s slightly more complicated, but this seems even easier than the supercomputer’s usual task of ‘looking at some betting odds’.

We know it’s not quite as simple as randomly chucking the 20 teams into 10 matches but it’s really not far off.

And what is it actually predicting here? What is the predictive element? What makes these fixtures any more of a meaningful prediction than the equally bafflingly beloved hack tradition of reporting who got paired with who in the dress rehearsal for the Champions League draw?

Why have they wasted 500 words on this? Why have we wasted 300? What does any of this mean? What is the point of anything? Why have they talked about these games like they’re real?

Honestly, this is making our head spin.

Mauricio Pochettino will be thrown in at the deep end at Chelsea as they host Manchester United at Stamford Bridge.

No he won’t! Or at least, no he probably won’t! You’ve just guessed!

It could also mark a return for Mason Mount, with reports suggesting he is set for a transfer to join Erik ten Hag’s Red Devils.

It could. But a hypothetical return to his hypothetically former club in a hypothetical fixture after a hypothetical transfer isn’t journalism, surely.

The Gunners… will be on the road for their first game with a visit to newly-promoted Sheffield United.

Okay, that one probably will happen.

Opening day clashes against promoted opponents have proven to be banana skins in the past for the North Londoners, but they will be hoping to set the record straight against Paul Heckingbottom’s side.

IT. ISN’T. A. REAL. FIXTURE. They won’t be hoping anything about this opening-day game because this opening-day game exists only in your mind. Have we taken crazy pills? Have The Sun been leaked the actual fixtures and this is their nudge-and-a-wink way of breaking the embargo by two days?

Brighton will host Liverpool on the opening day, which will mark a return to the Amex for Alexis Mac Allister after he completed a £55million transfer to the Reds.

Ooh, hypothetical narrative out the wazoo in that one, which we’d imagine will hypothetically be selected for hypothetical live TV broadcast.

Vital early points in the battle for relegation will be up for grabs when Everton host Wolves.

Double whammy there. Everton, Wolves: you’re playing each other, and also you’re both in a relegation battle. Sorry about that. The supercomputer has spoken.

The opening weekend will also see Tottenham new boss Ange Postecoglou handed a tie against Luton…

Tottenham new boss? Does the supercomputer not have Grammarly? Again, why is this all written as if it’s actually happening? Mediawatch needs a very real lie down.