Dictionary365: E is for Elite, England, Equalisers, Europa, Euros and Everton
The dictionary rumbles on to the letter E, home of Emirates, Etihad, England and Everton. And Samuel Eto’o.
Eastlands – see Etihad Stadium, The.
Elite – Usefully vague and ill-defined term to describe the best at something that can thus be applied to absolutely everything from the actual best clubs or players in the world, to mentality in a vaguely depressing Jake Humphrey podcast kind of way, to the training facilities at a Scottish third division club. (see World-class and Premier League club in all but name).
Emirates Stadium, The – Objectively hilarious when you think about it name of proud defenders of the old ways Arsenal’s stadium, now so firmly cemented in the consciousness that nobody does even think of it. Ashburton Grove, we hardly knew ye. The good thing about the Emirates coming on so swiftly as naming-rights sponsor is that it meant the woeful nickname devised by Spurs fans – Cashburden Grave – thankfully never had chance to gain any traction. Calling Highbury the Library was the height of wit by comparison.
Endsleigh, The – What people would semi-ironically call the Football League if there was any justice in the world. (see Barclays, The)
End-to-end stuff – A football match that has become More Like A Basketball Game, but with the crucial difference of being very entertaining rather than drably repetitive as teams take it in turns to attack. Most commonly found in the closing stages of a match as one team looks to salvage an equaliser or find a winner, but can occur at any time in a game and will always spark joy in commentators and neutrals alike while giving the fans of the teams involved conniptions.
England – Invented the game and will never stop reminding everyone else of that fact. Haven’t won anything in men’s international football since 1966 to widespread delight everywhere but specifically and especially Scotland.
Entertainers, The – Any football team that scores a lot of goals, concedes a lot of goals but crucially never actually wins anything to spoil the neutral’s enjoyment. (see Hotspur, Tottenham and still for now United, Newcastle)
Equaliser – A goal that levels the scores in a game, but strangely never used for a score-levelling goal in a two-legged tie, where in the glory days of away goals such a goal could famously, in many ways have caused no change in the conceding side’s task, Clive. Absurd then, absurd now. Equalisers, though, can come in all shapes and sizes, from last-minute, late, injury-time or even last-gasp if scored with The Last Kick Of The Game (any of which can always be further prefaced with ‘dramatic’) to deserved or sensational or much-needed/vital/crucial and if we’re all especially lucky controversial.
Eriksen, Christian – Lovely skilful and intelligent playmaker for Ajax, Spurs, Inter and Denmark who became for a while everyone’s favourite player in the whole world when miraculously returning to top-level action after very nearly dying in a match.
Espanyol – The second football team in Barcelona, and thus a club handed one of world football’s most thankless tasks. Now find themselves in the second division for only the sixth season (and first since 1993/94) in their history after relegation from La Liga, just to make matters worse.
Etihad Stadium, The – Manchester City’s newish stadium, formerly the City of Manchester Stadium and if that isn’t a naming journey that details modern football’s trajectory we don’t know what is. Nicknamed The Emptihad by Manchester United wags (not WAGs) as comment on City’s supposedly small fanbase. Not great, but better than Cashburden Grave.
Eto’o, Samuel – Four-time African footballer of the year, Olympic champion at Sydney 2000 and In His Pomp – most notably for Barcelona where he scored 130 goals in 199 games – one of the very best strikers in the world. Won the lot with Barca, and repeated the trick at Inter. Then played for Chelsea, which is fair enough, and then, um, Everton. Which is something. Current president of the Cameroon Football Federation having scored 56 goals in 130 games for the country and proud owner of one of Wikipedia’s greatest deadpan entries: ‘Eto’o was appointed Ambassador of the 2022 FIFA World Cup in Qatar. During the games, he attacked a person.’
Europa Conference League – New European club competition bringing the total back up to three, which is the obviously correct number of European trophies. Designed to give big clubs from smaller countries a decent crack at European silverware, will on early evidence instead allow smaller clubs from big countries a decent crack at European silverware but that’s still something and we’re fans of the Europa Carabao no matter what anyone else says.
Europa League – Rebadged and rebranded UEFA Cup, an ostensibly weird decision that we assume came about because UEFA wanted to increase its association with the glamour and glory of the Champions League and could only achieve that by not having its name so directly and unavoidably connected to the lesser competition. Has rather wonderfully become the pet trophy of Sevilla, a Spanish club who had won pretty much nothing of note since the 1930s and 40s before embarking on an absurd run of winning this one specific trophy a record-breaking seven times in the space of just 18 seasons.
Europe – The end-of-season target for all Premier League teams, so they can complain about it incessantly the next season when their fixture list is all screwed up.
European Championship – Name literally nobody uses for The Euros, whose individual tournaments are always referred to as Euro [Year]. Your Euro 96s, Your slightly confusing Euro 2020s and the Euro 88s of this world. Was a brilliant 16-team tournament for a while, now a messy 24-team affair that England still don’t win.
European Cup – see Champions League
European Cup Winners’ Cup – Tremendously fun European competition that unlike literally any other UEFA club competition did exactly what it said on the tin. All the domestic cup winners in a big fuck off cup. Lovely. Who wouldn’t want that? But then the European Cup became the Champions League and started letting in any Tom, Dick and Tottenham, which pretty much killed the Cup Winners’ Cup dead because more often than not the cup winners from the big countries were no longer in the CWC because they were in the Big Cup instead. A shame, but one at least now partially rectified by the Europa Conference League.
Euros, The – see European Championships
Everton – Massive 1980s English football powerhouse that managed to completely miss the boat when the Premier League changed everything (see Football, Invention of) and now passes the time joylessly, grimly and often desperately clinging to its famously long-held top-flight status because it’s all it has left as its 80s rivals and assorted nouveau riche Jonny Come Latelies leave them for dust. Bone-deep lack of clarity over the club’s purpose, goals and ambition captured perfectly by the most esoteric list of managers imaginable over the last decade from Moyes to Martinez to Koeman to Allardyce to Silva to Ancelotti, Benitez, Lampard and now Dyche. That Dyche’s main rival for the job was Marcelo Bielsa is unimprovably perfect. Even when things briefly burned gloriously bright once more under Ancelotti, Everton still faded to finish 10th. Tottenham are already precisely the club people think they are, but somehow Everton are even more that club.