Dictionary365: I is for Iceland, idiot, inexperience, injuries, Intertoto, Internazionale, Italy and Izzet

It’s on to the ninth letter of the alphabet we go in our round-up of assorted football words that we’ve remembered. We nearly forgot Italy in this one.

Iceland – Briefly popular national team who made a huge impact at Euro 2016 by adopting an unimprovable three-point plan that endeared them to an entire continent. The three prongs of this plan were as follows: 1) Beat England, 2) Brilliantly simple yet striking coordinated celebration highlighting genuine bond between players and fans, 3) Beards.

Idiot, footie – A wealthy young black professional footballer who has spent either too much or too little of his own money on something.

If anything, Clive, he’s almost hit that too well – Magnificently nonsensical phrase popularised by Andy Townsend in his ITV co-commentatorial pomp to tell Clive Tyldesley about a shot that, despite being powerfully and muscularly struck, has nevertheless failed to hit its intended target. The “If anything” is key for setting up the nonsense to follow but more important still is the “almost”, which has the discombobulating twin effect of revealing that Townsend himself realises the concept is a nonsense while also thus rendering the entire pronouncement without meaning or value or point. (see Not for me, Clive)

Ince, Paul – One of only 10 players to play for both Manchester United and Liverpool, and one of only two to do so in the Premier League era along with helicopter enthusiast and film disliker Michael Owen.

Inch-perfect – Suitably imperial unit of accuracy to describe a slide-rule pass, can also be deployed to convey the accuracy of a cross that has put a chance On A Plate for a grateful striker, or in rarer cases a particularly precise finish. Occasionally now superseded by the metric – and even more precise – millimetre-perfect. Despite the confirmed existence of both the inch-perfect and millimetre-perfect pass, there is counter-intuitively no recorded incidence of a centimetre-perfect one.

Inches wide – Technically correct non-specific descriptor for a shot that is several feet wide of the goal.

Indirect free-kick – Never see them these days, do you? Apart from for offside, and those are – by definition – too far from the opposition goal. Indirect free-kicks around the penalty area, that’s what you want. Even better: inside the penalty area. We’ll never forgot those first six glorious months of the backpass law as pant-soiling keepers all over the world just picked stuff up before they all turned into 80-yard-pass-spraying Andre Onanas. Now the indirect free-kick inside the opposition area with 10 lads cowering on the line worrying about their testicles has gone the way of white dogshit.

Indiscipline – Widespread failing bemoaned predominantly by pundits who spent the ’80s and ’90s booting people up in the air, haranguing referees and cheerfully joining in with 20-man brawls.

Inexperience – As good an excuse as any for blowing a title race in spectacular style. And it’s a beauty of an excuse because it can be applied right up until the point the excuse becomes that the team has been allowed to grow old together, and now experience is all that they’ve got.

Inevitable – What that goal was once you realised it was Kane/Haaland/Aguero or some other sort who Doesn’t Miss From There. Co-commentators always, always, always Knew He Was Going To Score, but only made this known after they had in fact scored.

Iniesta, Andres – Magnificent Barcelona midfielder and tiki-taka partner in passing for club and country of Xavi, on whom – full disclosure – an entire edition of this dictionary feature will later lean very heavily indeed.

Injuries – While injuries are an inevitable part of the game – Part And Parcel of it, even – all players must take great care not to develop a reputation for being prone to such setbacks, marking them out as it does as inherently weak and deserving of scorn rather than sympathy.

Injury time – Time added to the 45 minutes to make up for injuries, substitutions and goalkeepers fannying about over goal-kicks. You used to know exactly where you stood with injury time; barring actual incident, it would comprise one minute in the first half and three in the second. Now it can be quite literally anything because officials have started making an actual effort to add on the actual time that is actually lost, leading inevitably to chaos and madness.

Injury prone – see Sicknote

Intelligence, football – Mealy-mouthed phrase used to describe the footballing smarts of a player perceived to have few such qualities of a more academic bent.

Intent – Can be very good when applied to the general performance of a team, can be very bad when applied to a tackle or possible handball by an individual player.

Inter – see Internazionale

Interception – What cultured, continental-type defenders do instead of anything so gauche and unbecoming as a tackle, the preferred possession-regaining tactic of the stereotypical lumpen British defender. Bollocks, though, isn’t it? Nothing wrong with tackling, done right. But interceptions, with their associated traits of anticipation and smarts, will always make you look clever and sophisticated and above all in The Right Place At The Right Time, an epithet more traditionally bestowed on goalscorers who have timed their arrival on the scene just so.

Interference – What managers don’t want from the suits upstairs, who should leave footballing affairs to those in the know and concentrate on the bean-counting.

Internazionale – The blue-and-black half of Milan’s football duopoly. Do not call them Inter Milan, or nerds will shout at you (see Lisbon, Sporting)

Intertoto Cup – Magnificently tinpot and sadly missed summer tournament that acted as both a qualifier for the UEFA Cup and a way for Newcastle to claim to have won a trophy in living memory by virtue of going further in the UEFA Cup than any of the other 10 winners(!) of the 2006 tournament. They got to the last 16.

Ipswich Town – One of those teams who made the absolute most of that weird period in the early ’80s when seemingly any English team could just turn up and win a European trophy. Helps if you’ve got Bobby Robson running the show, mind. Recently spent a frankly soul-destroying 17-year run marooned in the second tier and then got out at the wrong end. Still, meant they got to enjoy a promotion last season. It was their first since the 1999/2000 campaign.

Istanbul, That Night In – see Barcelona, That Night In

Italy – Four-time World Cup winners whose great bit now is not even bothering to qualify for the event any more, adding to the fun by pocketing the occasional European title here and there between global failings. Haven’t played a World Cup knockout match since the final in 2006, which will be 20 years ago when the next chance comes around.

ITV – TV company that broadcasts almost all of England major tournament defeats and continues to inflict Sam Matterface on a nation that deserves a lot of things but probably not quite that.

Izzet, Muzzy – Erstwhile Leicester and Turkey schemer who has four Zs in his name and is thus twice as good as Zinedine Zidane.