Dictionary365: K is for Kane, Keanes, Keegan, Kewell, Klinsmann, Klopp and Kop
A really quite startling number of key Barclays characters have names beginning with K. Not a letter you’d expect to be so important, is it? You’d never pick it early doors in Hangman. Still, here we are.
Kaiser, Der – Impossibly cool nickname bestowed upon Germany legend Franz Beckenbauer, who won the World Cup as a wonderfully elegant player often credited with inventing the role of the sweeper, won it again as a manager and then, as so many legends apparently if infuriatingly must, entered the world of football administration and all its various and seemingly irresistibly unavoidable dodgepottery.
Kane, Harry – Record-breaking scorer of goals that don’t count and still for now the greatest player of all time to win absolutely fuck all having finished second in the European Championships, the Champions League, the Premier League and even the Carabao as well as reaching the semi-finals of the World Cup. Famed for his co-commentator-baiting tendency to score 30 goals a season and create 15 more despite a point-blank refusal to limit his efforts to playing either “on the shoulder of the last man” or “between the width of the posts”. Scores so many goals despite this obvious character flaw in large part due to being the first player ever to notice that penalties are really easy to score and still count as goals (see Pane, Parry), ironically then missing the most important one of his career. Now to be found in Germany testing just how powerful the Banter Timeline on which we all exist truly is by seeing if he can manage to score 40 goals in a Bayern Munich team that somehow manages not to win the league for the first time in living memory. He will definitely do the first bit, anyway.
Kanu, Nwankwo – Spider-legged, nimble-footed attacker and 1996 Olympic gold medallist of rare skill and elegance perhaps best remembered in English football for an absurd 15-minute hat-trick to earn Arsenal a 3-2 victory from 2-0 down against Chelsea, while also proud owner of one of the great esoteric career paths that simply could not have occurred at any other stage in all football history other than between 1993 and 2012: Ajax, Inter, Arsenal, West Brom, Portsmouth.
Keane, Robbie – Puckish cartwheeling striker for Spurs, Liverpool, Leeds, Celtic and others as well as Ireland’s all-time leading scorer, famed for naff goal celebration and ever-growing collection of boyhood clubs.
Keane, Roy – Brilliant midfielder from the old days when they were expected to be able to attack and defend, not like today when the role has been subdivided into boring holders and workshy playmaking fancy-dan attackers according to your dad. Played crucial part in Erling Haaland’s origin story with infamously brutal leg-breaking hack at his dad. More generally performed key pantomime-villainy for dominant Manchester United team of the late 90s and early noughties to such great effect that it really is easy to forget he was breathtakingly good at football and even now would be in the conversation for any Premier League all-time XI. Even easier to forget just how good he was now because his infamous TV punditry leans heavily into those pantomime villainy elements of his personality, most notable whenever he is forced to cover Manchester United, about whom he – like all other members of their various great sides of the last 30 years – exists in a state of semi-permanent befuddlement at the fact they no longer sweep all before them. In Keane, that befuddlement naturally manifests as anger and, weirdly, an ability to grow a full beard in seemingly minutes. We’re absolutely certain he has at least once appeared at the start of a Manchester United game clean-shaven yet looking like a wild-eyed Captain Birdseye by the time he’s furiously spending the post-match analysis repeating the phrases “it’s just not good enough” and “that’s his job” to an increasingly visibly terrified Dave Jones.
Keegan, Kevin – Pivotal character from the Premier League’s formative world-building years and first ultimately inadequate antagonist to take on Sir Alex Ferguson’s main character energy. It would take Arsene Wenger and especially Jose Mourinho to really perform this vital role, but neither man is or ever could be as beloved as dear old Kevin, whose Newcastle side was built in his image and was thus far too pure for this world. They were absurdly good fun, those mid-90s Newcastle sides and Keegan doesn’t deserve to be remembered only for the collapses. That’s life, sadly. Still, his “I would love it” rant remains an absolutely central construct of early Barclays lore and there’s not many of us can say we’ve made such a contribution to the culture. Also quite a good player apparently, but that was in the before times.
Keller, Kasey – One of those reliable journeyman American goalkeepers who were all the rage in the noughties, now lives on as rhyming slang you might hear a bellend use in a pub.
Keown, Martin – A classic case study of a man who spent the first 20 years of his adult life exclusively in the company of footballers and thus believed himself to be something of an intellectual. The real world would have shaken a less secure man from these delusions, but Keown blunders ever onward apparently still convinced he is the thinking man’s pundit. Have to admire it, kind of.
Kewell, Harry – A key Australian Premier League character a full two decades before Ange ‘Mate’ Postecoglou, and brilliant member of those thrilling Leeds sides that won nothing. Went to Liverpool after that and had more tangible success but never the same individual impact. Might be a lesson in that somewhere. Don’t know, not interested. Definitely did have an excellent if obvious terrace ditty to the tune of Daddy Cool.
Kick-off – How any game of football begins and also how it can be interrupted by the instigation of handbags leading to a 20-man brawl. Spectacularly used in a new and previously unconsidered pejorative sense by Gary Neville when describing a particularly moribund first-half performance from Aston Villa frontman turned radio gobshite Gabby Agbonlahor: “He’s had four touches of the ball… and two of them are kick-offs.”
Kickstart – What struggling teams need for their season. Pretty much anything can do it; an unlikely win – bonus points if it’s a heroically undeserved smash-and-grab – is the obvious one, but last-minute equalisers or even apparently meaningless consolation goals can suffice. More often than not, though, expressed as a hope that a thing will provide such a kickstart in an attempt to will the universe into acquiescing. Managers saying “That could be just what we needed to kickstart our season” will, in 83 per cent of cases, be collecting their P45s after a six-game losing run within two calendar months. They’ve done studies.
Kilmarnock – One of those fine Scottish football clubs who spend their existence mainly in the shadows of the all-powerful Old Firm but which makes their fleeting successes all the more potent. Won a league title more recently than Tottenham and are mainly of interest to us for showing that even in Scotland football clubs can still be formed by the most traditional of methods: a group of bored cricketers trying to find something to occupy them in the off-season. Awarded yet further sporting-crossover points for playing their home games at Rugby Park.
King, Ledley – Keep your Van Bastens and your Original Ronaldos. The absurdly gifted yet sawdust-kneed Spurs centre-back is and always will be the correct answer to those questions about which one player you’d grant an injury-free career if given such extraordinary and ungodly power to wield for your own ends.
Kinkladze, Georgi – see jinking
Klinsmann, Jurgen – Brilliant yet controversial Germany striker of the early 90s, reviled in England for his shameless and theatrical diving until inexplicably turning up at Tottenham after the 1994 World Cup and instantly charming the media and fans alike with a self-aware and self-deprecating press conference in which he asked directions to the local diving school. Sealed his rehabilitation by marking his debut goal against Sheffield Wednesday with a diving celebration that instantly entered the pantheon of the all-time great goal celebrations and is still to this day known as the “Klinsmann Dive” by an entire generation of supporters who never saw him play. Better than having a trick named after you? Yes. Eat shit, Johan Cruyff. Also scored 29 goals in his one full yet wildly influential and important season at Tottenham as something of a flag-bearer for elite overseas talent in Our League, and another nine goals when turning up three years later on a one-man rescue mission to save the team from relegation. None of that was as good or as significant as that diving celebration, though. Now to be found coaching South Korea, working with their star player and fellow lovable Tottenham forward Son Heung-min.
Klopp, Jurgen – Charismatic and brilliant football manager who finally ended Liverpool’s long wait for a Premier League trophy and also delivered them a sixth European title for good measure. Fond of a baseball cap and remains one of the worst losers in the game, which is both hilariously entertaining and probably part of the reason he’s so successful. Suffice to say no team has ever beaten Jurgen Klopp’s Liverpool in satisfactory fashion; they’ve always done something underhand like ‘scoring goals on the counter-attack’ or ‘defending competently’, stuff like that. Still, his heavy metal football and mentality monsters have made for great Barclays over the last eight years, and most importantly the league would have been a dreary Manchester City one-team show for most of that time without him.
Kop, The – Many football grounds have a Kop. But Anfield has The Kop, a stand possessed of near mythical qualities that extend well beyond the usual Twelfth Man capabilities and are often said to include the ability to suck the ball into the net when Liverpool attack the Kop End. Not literally, that would be cheating the laws of both football and physics.
Krul, Tim – Penalty shootout specialist and well-travelled Premier League journeyman keeper now to be found warming the Luton bench
Kuyt, Dirk – Relentlessly hard-working Dutch wide forward and Liverpool cult hero who arrived in English football to much fanfare from a media whose excitement turned out to mainly be based around the myriad headline opportunities offered by the sadly mistaken belief that his surname was pronounced like kite.