England set to ‘end their long wait for a trophy’ at Euro 2024 after debutant makes ‘history’

The Sun have changed their England tune after noticing that Adam Wharton is actually brilliant, while there’s yet more Euro 2024 Supercomputer whimsy and staggeringly vast numbers of ‘stars’ departing Tottenham and Liverpool.

Quick feat
We have a huge amount of time for Adam Wharton, clearly a young talent of rare promise in a position where England have a very conspicuous opening for his specific type of player.

He might even bolt straight into England’s starting XI at the Euros having not even been in the Under-21s or the Premier League at the dawn of 2024. He probably won’t, but he absolutely could; it’s absolutely okay to be excited about that.

And there is no point trying to stop people getting carried away, but let it never be said that Mediawatch ever has or ever will allow utter futility to stand in its way.

So what have we got here, The Sun?

Adam Wharton achieves never-before-seen feat on England debut and could partner Declan Rice in Serbia Euro 2024 opener

Okay, here we go. This is going to be good.

Adam Wharton has already made history for England

Has he now. And there was us thinking what he’d done was ‘be quite good for half-an-hour in a low-key warm-up game’. The fact it takes Charlie Wyett 13 paragraphs to get around to this history-making never-before-seen feat gives some clue that it might not in fact be all that.

But here, eventually, it is…

Since Opta stats began in 2008, Wharton became the only midfielder to attempt 30-plus passes on his England debut and complete every single one – 37 out of 37.

Attempt 30-plus passes on England debut and complete every single one…you’ll never sing that.

It’s an impressively assured and precise debut from a hugely exciting young player, sure, but come the f*** on. How absurdly niche is this. First of all, can we really allow ‘never-before-seen’ for a record that goes back 16 years? And has anyone, anywhere, ever previously decreed 30 as some significant benchmark for completed passes?

Regular readers will  already be tickled that this excitable nonsense comes from Wyett. He also describes the ‘outstanding’ Wharton as ‘grabbing’ his chance against Bosnia after a ‘meteoric’ rise.

Can this really be the same Charlie Wyett who barely a day earlier was bizarrely urging people to cancel their fictitious tickets to England’s open-top bus parade on July 15 because everything had turned from gold into sh*t?

The same Charlie Wyett who bemoaned England’s ‘generally uninspiring performance’ and said there remains ‘a hell of a lot of work to do’?

Interestingly, Wyett’s only mention of Wharton in that 839-word lament was this:

When Southgate made his five subs after the goal , Jarrad Branthwaite and Adam Wharton were handed their debuts…

Come on, Charlie. Did you not notice his never-before-seen-feat?

Hey Jude
Charlie has been busy, though, also managing to offer up this:

How Southgate plans to fit in both Bellingham and Foden for England at Euros.

We’re also promised this represents a ‘Gareth Southgate plan revealed’. So surely it can’t be as simple as Foden playing from the left and Bellingham through the middle in a fluid front four just like they did in both March friendlies?

Foden is set to start on the left flank, with Bellingham as a No 10 — but they will interchange during matches.

Oh. It really can.

Tempting fate
More Supercomputer whimsy from the Mirror today, but we absolutely cannot have this headline.

Euro 2024 supercomputer predicts tournament winner as England learn their fate

No. Nobody ‘learns their fate’ from a supercomputer prediction. Because it is a prediction.

And it gets worse.

England will finally end their long wait for a trophy at this summer’s Euros – according to the latest supercomputer prediction.

Also no. The supercomputer predicts England to be the likeliest specific winner, but even this wildly excited computer estimates an 80.1 per cent chance that England will not in fact finally end their long wait for a trophy. This really is very, very simple maths.

The Mirror do at least very correctly refer to those behind this supercomputer as ‘Opta boffins’, so it’s not a complete write-off.

MORE ON EURO 2024 FROM F365:
👉 Ranking all 24 Euro 2024 home kits: A familiar winning combination and one absolute disgrace
👉 Ranking all 24 Euro 2024 away kits: Spain done dirty while Portugal and France dazzle
👉 England Euro 2024 squad: Predicting the Unfortunate Seven to be cut in Southgate’s final 26

Look at the stars
Tis the season for departure announcements and by extension the media pretending these things are far more dramatic than the reality.

Like this in The Sun for instance.

Tottenham confirm departure of EIGHT stars including Ryan Sessegnon as they overhaul squad ahead of transfer window

Now the capital letters are all very dramatic, but when it immediately follows that with Ryan Sessegnon – who made one appearance for Spurs last season – you do sense this might not be all it seems. Which Spurs ‘stars’ are we in fact dealing with here?

The standfirst mentions a player who’s been at Spurs 15 years – sorry, 15 YEARS – and that’s Japhet Tanganga. He has at least been a Spurs first-team player, albeit one whose last appearance was a three-minute effort off the bench against Manchester United in April 2023. But we’re still just about within the realms of acceptability here.

He was also out on loan in the final year of his contract. Fair to say it was already pretty clear how that was going to end, which also brings us to Eric Dier and Ivan Perisic. Both in the final year of their contracts, both already out on loan and both already clearly at the end of their Spurs careers.

So these EIGHT Spurs stars include one injury-plagued player never likely to be offered a new contract and three players we already absolutely knew would not be.

But even that is still only four ‘stars’. Who else have we got here? We’ve only got halfway and they’re already a bit meh. Is one of the others Son Heung-min or Micky van de Ven or Pape Sarr or Cristian Romero or something?

The other names released are youth players Charlie Sayers, Billy Heaps, Kieran Morgan and Han Willhoft-King.

The stars shine no longer at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.

Starter for 10
But you know what’s even more dramatic than losing eight stars? Losing 10 stars, and that is Liverpool’s fate in, fittingly the Daily Star.

‘Polish Messi’ leaves Liverpool as 10 stars released but new deal offered to veteran

Huge shock to see that particular piece of hugely unhelpful dubbing worked out brilliantly, but let’s quickly cycle through this again. You know what’s what here.

At the head of the list we’ve got Joel Matip and Thiago. Which is fine. They can be described as ‘Liverpool stars’ if we must, but their departures are no longer really news. So who else have we got?

The poor victim of the Polish Messi dubbing, Mateusz Musialowski, plus Adam Lewis, Melkamu Frauendorf, Nathan Giblin, Francis Gyimah, Luke Hewitson, Niall Osborne and Cody Pennington.

Will Arne Slot even be able to field a team next season?