We started to collate the astonishing stats that made Erling Haaland’s start to life in the Premier League utterly extraordinary a while ago. He renders it woefully and embarrassingly out of date every game so let’s just keep this updated as best we can.
Bear in mind that he has done all this despite famously barely bothering to touch the ball the rest of the time, which means he is also the only player in history to score roughly a goal a game while also raising legitimate but ultimately stupid questions about whether he actually makes Man City worse.
Here are some of his Ridiculous Stats…
* Haaland has become the first Premier League player in history about whom formerly-good football website Football365.com has started doing a Ridiculous Stats piece and then realised to their horror is going to have to be updated once a week. At least.
* Haaland became the quickest player to 50 Premier League goals, taking just 48 matches to hit the half-century. Andy Cole took 65 games; Alan Shearer needed 66 games; Ruud van Nistelrooy hit his first 50 in 68 matches; while Mo Salah and Fernando Torres each required 72 appearances.
* No player had ever scored the first two goals of a Premier League season before Haaland managed it against Burnley.
* Haaland has scored exactly two goals on the first matchday of his last four league seasons.
* Haaland has scored against 20 of the 21 opponents he has faced in the Premier League, drawing a blank against only Brentford.
* Erling Haaland broke the record for most goals in a single Premier League season in his debut campaign for Manchester City, scoring 36 goals in his 35 appearances, to beat Andy Cole and Alan Shearer (who both set the record in 42-game campaigns).
* No player has scored more goals in an English top-flight league season than Haaland’s 36 in 2022/23 since Ron Davies netted 37 times for Southampton in 1966/67.
* Haaland broke the record for most goals in one season in all competitions by a Premier League player (52), comfortably surpassing Mo Salah in 2017/18 and Ruud van Nistelrooy in 2002/03 (both 44).
* The only player in the history of top-flight English football to score more goals in all competitions in a single season than Haaland’s 52 in 2022/23 is Dixie Dean (63 for Everton in 1927/28).
* Haaland has scored 50 Premier League goals – more than the career totals of Nolberto Solano, Freddie Ljungberg, Bruno Fernandes, Philippe Coutinho, Paul Merson, Gary McAllister, Nobby Solano, Ashley Young, Ilkay Gundogan, Willian, Juan Pablo Angel, Shola Ameobi, Demba Ba, Willian, Freddie Kanoute, Ashley Barnes, Kelechi Iheanacho, Steve McManaman, Steffen Iversen, Raul Jimenez, Kenwyne Jones, John Carew, Tore Andre Flo, Darren Huckerby, Aleksandar Mitrovic, Dean Sturridge, Darren Anderton, Papiss Cisse, Benni McCarthy, Kevin Doyle, Peter Odemwingie, Salomon Kalou, Paul Dickov, Florent Malouda, Jordan Henderson, Adam Lallana, Mesut Ozil, Jurgen Klinsmann, Nicky Butt, Juninho, Jesse Lingard, Savo Milosevic, Paul Rideout, Paul Pogba, Tammy Abraham, Nani, Victor Anichebe, Benjani, Roque Santa Cruz, Marcus Stewart, Mick Quinn, Stephane Sessegnon, Lomano Lua Lua, Tony Yeboah, Andrey Arshavin, Xherdan Shaqiri, Divock Origi, Mario Balotelli, Patrick Bamford, David Ginola, Michael Ricketts, Gianluca Vialli, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Michael Ballack, Erik Lamela, Alvaro Morata, Jose Antonio Reyes, Michy Batshuayi, Arjen Robben, Joe Allen, Fabio Borini, Demarai Gray, Odion Ighalo, Alex Iwobi, Robinho, Kai Havertz, Andre Schurrle, Luka Modric, David Platt, Gareth Southgate, Henrikh Mkhitaryan, Edinson Cavani, Mousa Dembele, Samuel Eto’o, Dimitri Payet, Ademola Lookman, Harry Maguire, Emmanuel Petit, Granit Xhaka, Daniel Amokachi, Diego Forlan, Serhiy Rebrov, Andriy Shevchenko, Ronnie Rosenthal, Peter Beagrie, Gavin Peacock, Timo Werner, Jack Grealish, Luis Garcia and Alf-Inge Haaland.
* Haaland has also scored more Premier League goals than three Premier League clubs: Swindon (47), Barnsley (37) and Luton (10).
* Everton and Wolves scored fewer Premier League goals last season than Haaland; Southampton finished level with the Norwegian.
* Haaland has scored more Premier League goals this season (14) than Manchester United, Nottingham Forest, Crystal Palace, Fulham, Bournemouth, Luton, Sheffield United and Burnley.
* By scoring nine goals in his first five Premier League games, Haaland finally knocked Micky Quinn’s name out of the record books. The former Coventry forward jointly held the previous record for most goals in his first five Premier League games with eight in the year football was invented. Sergio Aguero matched that in 2011/12.
* Haaland is already one of only six players to score back-to-back Premier League hat-tricks, but hasn’t yet matched Harry Kane in this particular field of excellence. Kane has not only done it twice, but did so in the same year (if not the same season) after scoring seven goals across the final two games of 2016/17 against Leicester and Hull before netting hat-tricks in successive games against Burnley and Southampton either side of Christmas Day seven months later. Hard as it is to credit, incidentally, that Boxing Day treble against Southampton in 2017 is Kane’s most recent Premier League hat-trick and will now remain so for quite some time.
* Five Premier League hat-tricks is already more than the career totals of Jermain Defoe, Les Ferdinand, Heung-min Son, Matt Le Tissier, Mo Salah, Teddy Sheringham, Chris Sutton, Carlos Tevez, Fernando Torres, Dwight Yorke, Emmanuel Adebayor, Nicolas Anelka, Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard, Romelu Lukaku, Cristiano Ronaldo, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Jamie Vardy, Gareth Bale, Roberto Firmino, Sadio Mane, Christian Benteke and Eden Hazard. He is now level with, deep breath, Yakubu, Kevin Campbell, Jermain Defoe, Les Ferdinand, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, Matt Le Tissier, Mohamed Salah, Teddy Sheringham, Chris Sutton, Carlos Tevez, Fernando Torres and Dwight Yorke.
* Indeed, only eight players have ever scored more Premier League hat-tricks than Haaland, and they were all quite handy: Sergio Aguero, Alan Shearer, Robbie Fowler, Thierry Henry, Harry Kane, Michael Owen, Wayne Rooney and Luis Suarez.
* Four Premier League hat-tricks in a single season is more than any player has managed bar Alan Shearer, who scored five for Blackburn in 1995/96.
* Haaland has also surpassed Dion Dublin’s three Premier League hat-tricks. But how many episodes of Homes Under the Hammer has Haaland presented? Exactly.
* Haaland’s five hat-tricks have taken Norway fifth above Spain on the list of countries to have produced the most Premier League trebles with 15, Haaland standing on the shoulders of such giants as Solskjaer, Steffen Iversen and Joshua King (two each), John Carew, Tore Andre Flo and Jan Age Fjortoft (one each). Argentina and Holland are joint-second with 18 and France are on 17, which frankly shouldn’t take too long to topple, but even Haaland will have to hang around a few years to knock England’s 161 hat-tricks off top spot.
* Haaland is the first player in the Premier League to score hat-tricks in three successive home games, and the first Manchester City player to score a Manchester derby hat-trick since 1970.
* Haaland is unsurprisingly the quickest player ever to reach three Premier League hat-tricks after getting there in eight(!) games. The previous record holder was Michael Owen, who managed it in a sluggish 48 games. Next best are Ruud van Nistelrooy (59 games), Fernando Torres (64) and Andy Cole (65).
* Haaland is also by definition the quickest player ever to reach four Premier League hat-tricks after getting there in 19(!) games. The previous record holder was Ruud van Nistelrooy, who managed it in a laborious 65 games. Next best are Luis Suarez (81), Alan Shearer (86) and Robbie Fowler (89).
* Haaland’s 50 Premier League goals have come from 174 shots. That’s a shot conversion rate of 28.7%.
94:33 – At 94 minutes and 33 seconds, Erling Haaland's penalty is Manchester City's latest winning goal in the Premier League since November 2017 against Southampton, when Raheem Sterling scored on 95:04. Rescued. pic.twitter.com/EDeGqVrpp0
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) November 5, 2022
* The back-to-back hat-tricks against Palace and Forest last season came from a combined total of 32 touches.
* Haaland is the fastest player to ever score 25 goals under Pep Guardiola, doing so in 20 games to beat Lionel Messi (28), Samuel Eto’o (30), Sergio Aguero (35) and Thierry Henry (41).
* No player has ever scored more goals in a season for Manchester City than Haaland. Tommy Johnson’s mark of 38 goals stood since 1929 before Haaland broke it by mid-March of his debut campaign.
* Only seven players have ever scored more goals under Pep Guardiola. Haaland’s 71 in 73 games is better than Robert Lewandowski (67 in 100), Pedro (58 in 167), Arjen Robben (47 in 97), Xavi (36 in 208), Mario Gotze (36 in 114), Samuel Eto’o (36 in 52), David Villa (32 in 76) and Thierry Henry (30 in 74).
* Haaland was both the fastest and youngest player to reach 20 Champions League goals, obliterating Harry Kane’s really quite impressive previous benchmark of 24 games by 10 when reaching the landmark in just 14 games for Salzburg and Dortmund. At 20 years and 231 days old, Haaland was over a year younger than previous record-holder Kylian Mbappe as the youngest player to reach 20 Champions League goals.
* Haaland was also the fastest and youngest player to reach 30 Champions League goals, reaching the mark in 25 games and thus shattering Ruud van Nistelrooy’s previous 34-match haul, while beating Kylian Mbappe by 116 days.
* Haaland was indeed the fastest and youngest player to reach 40 Champions League goals too.
* Only Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo (both 8), Robert Lewandowski (6), Karim Benzema (4), Mario Gomez, Filippo Inzaghi, Luiz Adriano and Neymar (3) have scored more career Champions League hat-tricks than Haaland’s two.
* Only 19 players have ever scored more European Cup goals than Haaland. In the Champions League, that number is reduced to just 17.
* Haaland has more European Cup goals than Ferenc Puskas, Edinson Cavani, Gerd Muller, Fernando Morientes, Arjen Robben, Samuel Eto’o, Paco Gento, Antoine Griezmann, Kaka, Wayne Rooney, Patrick Kluivert, David Trezeguet, Ryan Giggs, Sadio Mane, Rivaldo, Luis Suarez and a couple of others.
* Haaland scored 12 goals in Manchester City’s 2022/23 Champions League campaign to claim the competition’s Golden Boot for the second time. Only 12 players have ever finished multiple European Cup seasons as top scorer – and just Ronaldo, Messi, Van Nistelrooy, Raul and Andriy Shevchenko have done it in the Champions League era.
* Haaland has only played 12 games in the Champions League knockout stages but just 16 players have more goals in such matches.
* Haaland has more Champions League knockout stage goals (13) than Thierry Henry (12) managed in 36 games.
* Haaland has more Champions League knockout stage goals than Kaka, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Fernando Torres, Samuel Eto’o and Mo Salah, among others.
* Haaland and Lionel Messi are the only players to score a first-half hat-trick in a Champions League knockout game.
* Haaland, Messi and Luiz Adriano are the only players to score five goals in a Champions League game.
* After just 29 caps, Haaland is second on the list of leading goalscorers for the Norway men’s national team with 27 goals and needs just seven more to overhaul Jorgen Juve’s benchmark of 33 which has stood since before World War Two.
Erling Haaland honours
Austrian Bundesliga: 2018/19, 2019/20
Bundesliga Player of the Season: 2020/21
Bundesliga Player of the Month: January 2020, November 2020, April 2021, August 2021
Bundesliga Team of the Season: 2020/21, 2021/22
UEFA Champions League Squad of the Season: 2020/21
UEFA Champions League Forward of the Season: 2020/21
UEFA Champions League Top Goalscorer: 2020/21
UEFA Nations League Top Goalscorer: 2020/21
FIFA FIFPro World 11: 2021
Premier League Player of the Month: August 2022, April 2023
Premier League: 2022/23
FA Cup: 2022/23
Champions League: 2022/23
European Golden Shot: 2022/23
Premier League Golden Boot: 2022/23
Premier League Player of the Year: 2022/23
Premier League Young Player of the Year: 2022/23
Gerd Muller Trophy (Striker of the Year award, or the ‘sorry you didn’t win the Ballon d’Or’ trophy): 2023
Erling Haaland top-flight league goals record
Molde (Eliteserien) 2017-2018: 39 games, 14 goals
Red Bull Salzburg (Austrian Bundesliga) 2018-2020: 16 games, 17 goals
Borussia Dortmund (Bundesliga) 2020-2022: 67 games, 62 goals
Manchester City (Premier League) 2022-23: 48 games, 50 goals
Total: 170 games, 143 goals
Erling Haaland Champions League record
Red Bull Salzburg 2019-20: 6 games, 8 goals
Borussia Dortmund 2019-22: 13 games, 15 goals
Manchester City 2022-23: 16 games, 17 goals
Total: 35 games, 40 goals
Erling Haaland international record
Norway 2019-23: 27 games, 27 goals