F365’s pre-season predictions revisited

Go ahead and read our pre-season predictions in full for a good old laugh over your Christmas dinner.

An easy enough start – who will win the league?

For once, there was a consensus here: even Johnny didn’t tip someone mental like Cardiff or Old Carthusians. All seven of us thought that Manchester City would defend their title, but also that it would be considerably closer than last season. Messrs Watson, Nicholson, Tickner and Chicken get the smallest of gold stars for actually naming Liverpool as their closest challengers. They can have a) 0.1 point each, and b) a heartwarming 8pm Sunday night slot on ITV where they run a detective agency and a butchers on the side. It will probably star Martin Clunes.

And the rest of the top four, in order?

Not a single soul got every member of the top four right, never mind in order. Winty, Storey, Watson and Tickner were all foolish enough to back Man United. ‘Jose Mourinho may have done his best to dampen expectation, but United will still get closest,’ said Storey. Ouch.

Tickers claws some credibility back as the only person to see Chelsea in the top four at the halfway point. Everyone said Liverpool would join City in the Champions League places. Four people felt Arsenal would get in.

Tottenham were picked by five of our seven fools, but each of them had them in fourth. The two people who forgot Mauricio Pochettino was a fraudulent genius? Winty and actual Spurs fan Tickers. ‘Surely Tottenham can’t pull the bigger boys’ pants down again,’ were his famous last words.

Which brings us to the real shocker: six out of seven got three of the top four right. The only one to predict just two? Our dear leader Winty, who thought Arsenal and United would join City and Liverpool. ‘As is traditional, I will say that nobody ever gets this right.’ Quite.

And who are going down, down deeper and down?

Again, no-one managed a clean sweep of the current bottom three. In fact, four of us couldn’t name one of the bottom three, while the other three (Storey, Stead and Tickner) only got one each.

Eight teams were tipped at least once, but not Fulham. Great work, guys. And we all exposed our lack of imagination by picking Cardiff (17th). Stead was the only one who listened to Peter G’s advice and went for Burnley (18th); Storey and Tickers were brave enough to go with Huddersfield (19th).

Among a handful of shouts for Brighton (13th), Newcastle (15th), Southampton (16th) were some really stinky suggestions. Storey, Stead, Watson and Tickner all thought Watford would go down. ‘They are a bit too forgettable this season,’ Storey said of the side in seventh after 18 games. No wonder we got rid.

But the real MVPs here are Nicholson and Chicken. ‘It feels like their project is over,’ the former said of Bournemouth (8th), while the latter had ‘a sneaking suspicion they’ve already achieved everything they’re going to at this level.’

Which club will be a pleasant surprise?

Well done to Winty (West Ham), Stead (Wolves), and Chicken (Arsenal), who all managed not to embarrass themselves too much here. Speaking of which, Storey, Watson and Nicholson should hang their Fulham-tipping heads in shame. We said pleasant surprise, you fools.

Tickers fares slightly better with his backing of Palace, with this weekend proving his claim that they ‘could do nice things’. But we still can’t get over Nicholson backing Fulham to finish a distant 7th.

Top scorer, please?

‘I can’t see past Mo Salah again,’ said Watson, who was the only person to predict another coronation for the Egyptian king (11 goals). But Winty claws plenty of credit back after that top-four tip by suggesting Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang (12 goals) would lead the way in the Golden Boot race. He’s looking great so far.

Of the other five, four go for Harry Kane (11 goals). Nicholson seemed to see something in Gabriel Jesus (3 goals) that no-one else could.

We are starting to look like the scorned ex here, but this is delicious from Storey: ‘I’m going to say Harry Kane aren’t I, even though I think Alexis Sanchez is cracking value.’

Which new signing will make the most positive difference to their club?

First, the good. Winty, Watson, Tickner and Chicken all go for Alisson, who has been an absolute freak in the clean sheets so far. ‘I’m talking myself into backing them for the title here,’ says Watson, who didn’t quite follow up on that hunch. Shame.

Stead did OK with tipping Sokratis, while saying that ‘Fabinho will make more of a difference to Liverpool than Naby Keita’. He’s as clever as he is handsome, that boy.

Storey once more loses marks for listening to his Brighton-supporting friends and going for Mike Dean’s biggest fan, Yves Bissouma. Johnny will cling to Andre Schurrle‘s five goals as proof of his own soothsaying abilities.

And which one will turn out to be a massive flop?

Winty f**ked it then quickly unf**ked it by mentioning ‘Brighton’s entire summer business‘ before following that up with Fred. But the only one to properly emerge smelling like roses here is Chicken, who said that West Ham’s signing of Jack Wilshere ‘is not going to work out’. Lovely.

Elsewhere, Storey was ‘not so convinced’ by Jorginho, while Stead and Watson were not expecting Felipe Anderson to be quite so great. Funny, that.

Johnny again gets a telling off for suggesting ‘flying pork barrel’ Xherdan Shaqiri would be a massive flop. What a description, mind.

Who will turn out to be a shrewd bargain?

Watson wins by naming Lucas Torreira – although he himself doubts whether a £26m midfielder can really be a ‘shrewd bargain’.

Most of the other tips range from ‘meh’ to ‘ha ha ha’. Winty does alright with Sokratis, but Storey (Bernard), Stead (Meyer and Durm), Nicholson (Ben bloody Gibson), Tickner (Meyer) and Chicken (Schurrle) can claim no real victory.

Who will be named the PFA Player of the Year?

Five boring sods rather foolishly didn’t see Kevin de Bruyne missing the start of the season through injury. Of the two non-believers, Winty (Aguero) beats Johnny (Firmino).

Storey does deserve a mention. ‘I can also see David Silva getting it as a goodbye thank you,’ he added, and the Spaniard does currently lead the betting. Aguero is 7th; Firmino is below Ross Barkley.

First manager to leave their Premier League job?

‘Someone will probably go before Jose huffs off in November,’ said Tickner, who was a month off but still had the right idea. However, no-one foresaw Slavisa Jokanovic‘s demise, which is perhaps unsurprising given they were meant to finish 7th.

Nicholson should be happy with his tip. ‘It has to be a toss up between Mark Hughes and Jose Mourinho,’ he said, before plumping for the latter. Stead comes closest by suggesting that Southampton would blink first with Hughes.

Winty forgot that Claude Puel is the Premier League equivalent of a cat, while Storey did not see Neil Warnock lasting too long at Cardiff. Watson, Tickner and Chicken all go for a combination of Rafael Benitez and Javi Gracia. Silly boys.

Pick the Champions League winner for the European football fans.

No-one has embarrassed themselves just yet, with everyone’s picks reaching the knock-out stages. There were three tips for Juventus, two for Manchester City, then one each for Barcelona and PSG.

And finally, what are you most looking forward to about this coming season?

Winty has surely enjoyed watching a Wenger-less Arsenal. Dan has surely worried himself when it comes to young English players getting first-team minutes. Stead regrets not seeing Mourinho sacrifice Ed Woodward at the altar after a defeat to Fulham. ‘It would be amusing if Courtois is crap for Real,’ said fortune-telling Watson. Johnny has seen both Scottish football and goals. Chicken has had his wish for a ‘proper midtable’ delivered.

Spare a thought for Tickner, whose wait for Tottenham’s cheese room continues. Santa has absolutely f***ed that one.