Chelsea stars reassigned after FFP ‘expulsion’: Mudryk to Arsenal as Liverpool land trio

Amid all the excitement at Manchester City’s possible relegation from the Premier League, we almost forgot about Chelsea, whose new owners snitched on Roman Abramovich and his dodgy offshore dealings, perhaps in the fanciful hope that their honesty would play well with the FFP authorities.

But reports suggest Todd Boehly has set £150m aside to cover potential legal costs, presumably in the knowledge that the book is set to be thrown at Chelsea, who face – you guessed it –  a literal or effective (thanks to a points deduction) “expulsion” from the Premier League. 

We’ve already divvied up Manchester City’s players ahead of their banishment from the top flight, and now it’s time to reassign the Chelsea stars in the expectation that they too will need new homes in the near future.

Only players currently in the squad have been accounted for, because although Romelu Lukaku’s landing spot might be of some interest, we would also have had to find homes for Tino Anjorin and Lucas Bergstrom, and frankly we have neither the time nor energy for that.

Robert Sanchez – Real Madrid
The goalkeeper Chelsea signed to replace the goalkeeper who left for Real Madrid is now also at Real Madrid, and with Manchester United on the trail of Andriy Lunin, Chelsea will presumably be the La Liga giants’ first port of call for a replacement.

Djordje Petrovic – Nottingham Forest
Who better to challenge the 26th, 24th and 23rd best goalkeepers in the Premier League than the 22nd?

READ MORE: Guglielmo Vicario bumped off top spot in best Premier League goalkeeper list

Marcus Bettinelli – Arsenal
Third-choice goalkeepers don’t typically want to be anything other than third-choice having experienced that comfort, and when Aaron Ramsdale leaves this summer the Gunners will be after a new stopper who appreciates the finer things away from the football pitch. Unless Ben White is up for it, of course. Probably doesn’t care either way.

Levi Colwill – Liverpool
Paris Saint-Germain are supposedly also interested, but Liverpool were sniffing around in the summer and are in need of at least one centre-back, two if Virgil van Dijk follows Jurgen Klopp from Anfield, and are likely a more attractive prospect in Colwill’s eyes.

Axel Disasi – Everton
There’s no better place for an own-goal specialist like Disasi, who can further hone the enviable skills we saw against Leicester at the club to have scored the most past their own goalkeeper in Premier League history (61).

Benoit Badiashile – Monaco
Cesc Fabregas – who played with Badiashile at Monaco – claims he is “one of the best ball-playing centre-backs in Europe” and can sign him when he takes the managerial helm.

Wesley Fofana – Newcastle
They love an injury, specifically in defence.

Trevoh Chalobah – Manchester United 
Ticks a hell of lot of INEOS boxes as a young, homegrown centre-back with untapped potential who won’t cost them a lot. United were reportedly keen in January.

Thiago Silva – Fluminense
“Thiago Silva has been a dream of ours for a long time, the president [Mario Bittencourt] talks to him almost every week,” former Brazil striker turned Fluminense sporting director Fred said last week. We would appreciate it if Silva’s wife remains though to berate the Chelsea ownership and whoever happens to be managing the club in the Championship. Frank Lampard, presumably.

Alfie Gilchrist – Bournemouth
Not convinced by his footballing ability despite John Terry’s endorsement, but he looks quite good at kicking people, and Bournemouth have committed more fouls than anyone this season (371).

Ben Chilwell – Newcastle
Again, he’s injury prone, so that suits them, and it would also be a hoot to see Lewis Hall once again behind Chilwell in the pecking order, having left Chelsea for that very reason.

Marc Cucurella – Barcelona
There were rumours of Cucurella failing upwards last summer and again in January, with Manchester City then Manchester United and Arsenal sounding him out as an option, but he “dreams” of a return to Barcelona, who will be in the market for cut-price signings.

Reece James – Real Madrid
Madrid still need a right-back and though being eternally crocked is said to be a factor in them going off the idea of signing James – who was top of their list for a while – surgery and a few quid off the asking price would tempt them again.

Malo Gusto – Manchester City
He’s been brilliant in the absence of James, and though this could be damning with faint praise, Gusto being the second best signing of the Todd Boehly era after Cole Palmer isn’t meant as such. Kyle Walker won’t be around forever, and having arrived at Chelsea as a clear second choice, Gusto’s clearly a guy willing to fight for his place in the team.

Moises Caicedo – Liverpool
They played the long game and they’ve played it well.

Romeo Lavia – Aston Villa
They will almost certainly need a replacement for Douglas Luiz, who’s outgrown Villa whether they make it into the Champions League or not. Lavia could probably do that job. We honestly can’t remember if he’s any good at football or not.

Lesley Ugochukwu – AC Milan
Purely for the portmanteau potential as he assists Samuel Chukwueze.

Enzo Fernandez – Paris Saint-Germain
PSG have still got loads of money but are now targeting young players with room for improvement. Enzo is 23 and nowhere near as good as he could and should be.

Conor Gallagher – Tottenham
Chelsea can’t wait to sell him to Tottenham, relegation or not.

Carney Chukwuemeka – Manchester United
A player with huge potential who could very quickly increase his market value is right up Sir Jim Ratcliffe’s street. Or he could join Milan.

Cesare Casadei – Brighton
A season-long stay before a £50m sale.

Christopher Nkunku – Bayern Munich
This is almost certainly an incredibly unfair assessment of an unlucky footballer, but Nkunku hasn’t struck us as someone who copes hugely well with adversity, and there’s no better place for a comfortable Bundesliga existence than Bayern Munich, current season notwithstanding.

Cole Palmer – Real Madrid
Liverpool and Arsenal have apparently made ‘proposals’ ahead of the summer, and Manchester City have realised their mistake and want him back. But the ‘prodigal son’ may as well cut out the middle man.

Raheem Sterling – AC Milan
He’ll be joining Fikayo Tomori, Ruben Loftus-Cheek, Christian Pulisic and Olivier Giroud in what has become a happy hunting ground for Chelsea undesirables.

Mykhaylo Mudryk – Arsenal
Clearly wanted to join Arsenal before being hog-tied and dragged to Stamford Bridge. And Mudryk would be the next player up after Kai Havertz in Mikel Arteta’s quest to prove there is no Chelsea hole deep enough that a player can’t be pulled from. Malang Sarr is the endgame.

Noni Madueke – Borussia Dortmund
Fifty goal contributions across two seasons before a £100m move to Manchester United, and inevitable misery.

Deivid Washington – Derby County
Get it?

Nicolas Jackson – Liverpool
Arguably the most fun striker in the Premier League pitching up at the most fun Premier League side. The second and third worst finishers would make a hell of a double act.