Predicting five Thomas Tuchel calls to further f*** off England fans
It’s been a long time coming but Thomas Tuchel will finally take charge of his first England game against Albania on Friday ahead of Latvia on Monday in the World Cup qualifiers.
His appointment in October resulted in a predictable England For The English reservations and we were treated to some mock outrage last month over the ‘absentee manager’ being ‘based in GERMANY’ before he selected an admittedly odd first squad.
Anything other than doling out a couple of hidings through fluent, forward-thinking football will bring further criticism and we’ve had a go at predicting five decisions over the next week that will see knickers twisted.
Singing or not singing the national anthem
Almost certainly armed with the answer on the back of everyone losing their tiny little minds over his predecessor not singing it, Tuchel said he felt ‘God Save the King’ is “that meaningful and it is that emotional and it is so powerful” (each to their own) that he has to first “earn my right to sing it”.
Claiming the anthem is Too Important to sing was just about his only recourse and even that didn’t play with GB News, who immediately advised Tuchel to “get over himself”, and while “earning the right” is sufficiently vague to buy him some time, this issue will be raised again: it will be deemed Unacceptable for the England manager not to be bellowing it out with gusto at the World Cup. God Save Tuchel if he doesn’t sing it vs Germany.
And we can confidently predict that despite already saying he’s not going to sing it and explaining his reasons why, reports will already be prepared ahead of him not singing it revealing the bombshell news that he did indeed not sing it, to be published at the moment he fails in his first duty as England manager.
Our great hope is that Tuchel decides that a win over Albania makes him enough of an Englishman to sing it against Latvia, cueing mass hysteria from the same people slamming him for not singing it in the first place.
Dan Burn over Myles Lewis-Skelly
It would take a special kind of person to see a Dan Burn start against Albania after a shock first England call-up at the age of 32 was followed by the opening goal and a Man of the Match display in the Carabao Cup final to help his hometown club to their first trophy in 70 years as anything other than the perfect end to a wonderful, heartwarming 10 days in the often clinical and brutal world of football. But those special people do exist, and most of them are Arsenal fans.
In this case because his place in the team could be at the expense of Hale End graduate Lewis-Skelly, who Gooners will insist is the long-term answer to England’s left-back problem (no arguments here), but who has also played 26 games of senior football compared to Dan Burn’s 512.
READ MORE: Robbie Savage’s Winners & Losers: Newcastle and Burn brilliant in dominating Liverpool…
Jordan Henderson more than a cheerleader
Henderson’s first appearance for England after his move to Saudi may well be the one time we’ve enjoyed booing in a football stadium and we very nearly booed at our laptop screens upon seeing Henderson’s name in Tuchel’s first squad. Even without the money-grabbing slap in the face to the LGBTQ+ community, his place makes very little sense.
Tuchel’s claim that he “embodies everything” and “is the glue in every team” was a predictable if inadequate explanation for his inclusion but we can just about understand it if his is a cheerleading, person-to-lean-on role behind the scenes rather than one that will see him take to the field. Booooooooo.
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Reece James nepotism
Tuchel’s admission that James needs to “prove himself” capable of getting up and down the wing leads to the obvious question as to why other right-backs – Aaron Wan-Bissaka, for example – who need no such opportunity to prove themselves having done so all season for their clubs, weren’t selected ahead of a guy who’s played 829 minutes of football this season (1311 minutes across the last two) and just 342 minutes in the position he’s been selected to play in.
Tuchel didn’t help himself in avoiding claims of nepotism after James became one of the best full-backs in world football under his tutelage at Chelsea, playing a key role in winning the Champions League in 2021, by his first line of defence when asked about his place in the squad being “I know Reece”.
He confirmed that he still sees James as a full-back, and we would wholeheartedly agree having seen him in midfield under Enzo Maresca at Chelsea, but there’s no chance he should be in the team ahead of Tino Livramento, Kyle Walker or Ezri Konsa having failed to convince at any point upon his return from long-term injury that he’s got it in him to do anything approaching what he did under the German at Stamford Bridge.
Two starts for Harry Kane
We might need Kane to draw a blank in the first game for the inevitable pre-World Cup frustration at the lack of a Plan B to England’s greatest-ever goalscorer to be expedited, but actually, even if he bags in both games the question will be raised as to why Dominic Solanke wasn’t given an opportunity against these lesser opponents.
The perfectly reasonable answer to those queries is of course that England need to qualify for the World Cup before playing in it and not fielding your best striker by a distance to ensure victory would be madness, but such an explanation can easily be waved away in hindsight, when all of the most erudite football takes emerge.
