Klopp deification sees Liverpool top title contenders ranked by how much F365 couldn’t stand them winning

Seven points separates Liverpool in first and Tottenham in fifth and we’re going to pretend they’re all involved in a Premier League title race until Manchester City win it.

And we thought it would be fun to irritate the p*ss out of large swathes of our readership by ranking the five contenders by which of them we would like to win it, starting with the least of all evils.

5) Aston Villa
Their squad purchase value of £330m is dwarfed by the other challengers, with Tottenham (£550m) closest and Manchester City (£800m) in a different ballpark. They’ve bought well, are a good watch and have several players worth the admission fees alone – Douglas Luiz, Moussa Diaby and Leon Bailey – as well as a core of young English players we watch through English eyes.

But our love of Villa, beyond the playing staff and them being the clear underdogs in this title race, is boosted above all else by their manager, and the sticks that have been wonderfully crafted as a result of his success at Villa Park.

We felt ever so slightly uneasy at taking so much joy at Steven Gerrard being shown up for his managerial fraudulence. We would likely need significant therapy to uncover why we rejoice at the failings of him and Frank Lampard as we do, with that ill-will presumably rooted in deeply felt insecurities of our own rather than simply being irritated that they were promoted above their stations and denied us multiple international trophies as players by refusing to sit together in the England canteen.

But then the Liverpool legend moved to Saudi Arabia and we’ve been bathing in Gerrard’s-sh*t-soup ever since. He won 1.18 Points Per Game at Villa, winning just 13 of 40 games, while Emery has 1.93 PPG, winning 36 of his 60.

Liverpool fans should be thanking Emery if anything, with Gerrard now firmly out of the running to be Jurgen Klopp’s successor, but when it comes to Captain Liverpool, many can’t help but bite. And the same can be said for Arsenal fans, many of whom are incredibly thin-skinned as things stand when it’s claimed their club were wrong to sack Emery despite the success of his successor. We’re salivating at the thought of how tetchy they would be if he beats Mikel Arteta to the title.

4) Tottenham
If we were to break down our reasons for wanting Tottenham to win the title into percentages it would be something like: one per cent because it’s nice for different fans to experience it; four per cent because Ange Postecoglou is a stand-up guy; 95 per cent because it would be really bloody funny if they do it the first season after Harry Kane left the club to win trophies.

The entirely heartless and sadistic may hope for the peak schadenfreude of Tottenham winning the Premier League and Harry Kane winning nothing, but we’re not among them. We absolutely hope Kane lifts a gong this year – the European Championship trophy having scored the winning penalty to deny Kylian Mbappe and France.

It would be nice to see Big Ange win it as well though, before the mask slips and these heart-warming sit-downs with cancer patients become interrogations as to why he’s not playing press-resistant full-backs or persisting with a high line on the back of consecutive home defeats to mid-table rivals.

3) Manchester City
A pretty simple case of better the devil you know here, because the alternative pair of Beelzebubs have far more satanists set to make summer sojourns to hell unbearable by comparison, with shrines already being prepared for their already deified managers.

Four on the trot has the added bonus of being one more consecutive English top-flight title than any other side has managed, taking them clear of Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal and Huddersfield Town. And any worry that City will continue to dominate is allayed by Kevin De Bruyne being 32, Erling Haaland being destined for Spain and Pep Guardiola eventually getting bored of winning all the time.

2) Arsenal
The big question is how will they celebrate the title after a mere win over Liverpool led Martin Odegaard to commandeer the club photographer’s camera? Gabriel Martinelli doing concussion tests to great cheers from the Gunners faithful? Better hope Declan Rice doesn’t mix the red shirts in with the white shorts in his duty at kit man. We imagine Bukayo Saka will be doling out extra handfuls of chips that day from under his dinner lady hairnet.

Actually, we wouldn’t mind any of those guys winning the title; the players in general seem like a decent bunch of humble, hardworking human beings. The manager though…

Mikel Arteta would be insufferable. He’s a terrible loser, but at least when he loses he’s fair game as he inevitably loses all sight of himself and comes out swinging. When he wins he tends to say all the right things: how proud he is of his players; how good the fans are; how it’s not about him but the players and those fans; he even sometimes praises the officials.

But we’ve learnt not to take anything the Arsenal manager says at face value, and at the end of the season in which he’s enacted a refereeing pile-on after a maniacal and unsubstantiated rant, and responded to setbacks with all the grace of a toddler denied an eight pound magazine, we would find it very difficult watching him bask in what would ultimately be hailed as his glory.

1) Liverpool
In announcing his departure from the club at the end of the season, Jurgen Klopp sealed top spot for Liverpool. We can feel the Peter Drury sign-off in the pit of our stomach.

“Made in Dortmund, he was welcomed into the scousers’ bosom, making Liverpool his home and Anfield a fortress in which the walls were shaken by his heavy metal football, but remained standing thanks to his mentality monsters, who have suckled his fist-beaten teats dry, Jurgen Klopp stands, smile wide as the Mersey, waiting to be crowned champion of this green and pleasant land for the second and final time.”

We don’t want that, or any of the excruciating deification we’re going to be subjected to in the days, weeks and months leading up to it.