Cristiano Ronaldo won his fifth FIFA men’s player of the year award on Monday. The Portuguese scored 44 goals in games in 2017, winning La Liga, the Champions League, a UEFA Super Cup and a Supercopa de España, as well as firing Portugal to qualification for the 2018 World Cup.
But that is the least interesting aspect of the award. The only reason anyone is here is to laugh at who voted for who, and who did not. Here is an in-depth breakdown of the votes for both best player and best manager – won by Zinedine Zidane.
The best player votes
* Of the 459 international captains, head coaches and journalists who voted, Cristiano Ronaldo received 340 first-place votes. Only 45 people did not include him in their top three, including Lionel Messi, Manuel Neuer and Diego Godin.
* Lionel Messi placed second behind Ronaldo, with 55 people voting him in first place. 168 voters did not include him in their top three, including Cristiano Ronaldo, Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Hugo Lloris.
* Neymar finished third, with 15 people handing him a first-place vote.
* Gianluigi Buffon (8), Toni Kroos (7), Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, Sergio Ramos (both 6), Luka Modric (5), Luis Suarez (4), N’Golo Kante (3), Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Robert Lewandowski, Keylor Navas, Manuel Neuer (all 2), Eden Hazard and Harry Kane (both 1) also received at least a single first-place vote.
* Of the 24 nominees, only Leonardo Bonucci, Dani Carvajal, Paulo Dybala, Antoine Griezmann, Andres Iniesta, Marcelo, Alexis Sanchez and Arturo Vidal did not receive a single first-place vote.
* Harry Kane’s first-place vote came from Vanuata’s media representative; viva Raymond Nase. Eden Hazard’s came from Belgium manager Roberto Martinez, who knows on which side his bread is buttered.
* Of the 459 voters, just 26 voted for neither Cristiano Ronaldo nor Lionel Messi in their top three, including Manuel Neuer, Joachim Low, Julen Lopetegui and Chris Coleman.
* Of the 459 voters, just 16 people voted for none of Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi or Neymar.
* Gordon Strachan, who once bemoaned how small and “genetically behind” Scotland are, chose a top three of Luka Modric (5ft 9), N’Golo Kante (5ft 6) and Lionel Messi (5ft 7).
* Harry Kane received the lowest percentage of points of the 24 players up for the award. Hugo Lloris voted him in third.
* Jordan Henderson chose a top three of Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez.
* Ragnar Klavan chose a top three of Cristiano Ronaldo, Eden Hazard and Lionel Messi. Class recognises class, folks.
* Eden Hazard handed his first-place vote to N’Golo Kante. Nawww.
* Gareth Southgate chose a top three of Cristiano Ronaldo, Luka Modric and Toni Kroos. He is presumably trying to sweeten up Real Madrid ahead of replacing Zinedine Zidane as manager.
The best manager votes
* Zinedine Zidane won best manager with 46.22% of the vote. Antonio Conte (11.62%) was second, and Massimiliano Allegri (8.78) was third.
* Just as Harry Kane received the lowest percentage of votes for the player award, Mauricio Pochettino received the lowest for the manager’s award. Lads, it’s Tottenham.
* Henrikh Mkhitaryan did not choose Jose Mourinho in his top three managers.
* Eden Hazard chose Jose Mourinho as his third place, and Antonio Conte as his first. And, in a come-and-get-me plea to Real Madrid, Zinedine Zidane as his number 2.
* Jordan Henderson voted for Zinedine Zidane, Mauricio Pochettino and Diego Simeone.
* Hugo Lloris voted for Zinedine Zidane, Mauricio Pochettino and Leonardo Jardim.
* Pep Guardiola received eight first-place votes. The captains of Aruba, Malta, Mozambique, Tanzania and Tonga, and the head coaches of Cambodia, South Korea and Trinidad and Tobago were really impressed with a trophyless campaign and third-place Premier League finish. What must they think of this season?
* Mauricio Pochettino received three first-place votes. The captain of Andorra and head coaches of Belarus and Mexico must be Tottenham fans.
* Jose Mourinho received nine first-place votes. The captains of Bhutan, the Cook Islands, Guinea-Bissau and Nepal, and the head coaches of American Samoa, the Cook Islands, Guinea-Bissau and Iraq were more impressed with a Europa League and Capital One Cup-winning campaign than Zinedine Zidane’s La Liga and Champions League double.
Oh, hold on, that’s only eight people who voted Mourinho in first place there, isn’t it. We must have forgot someone. Hold on, let us check.
It was Duncan Castles. It is always Duncan Castles. Incredible.