We love a convoluted stat caveated beyond all meaningful value as much as the next whimsical football website, but the reaction to the news of Thiago smashing the most coveted of all Premier League records, taking the established pass master Andreas Christensen’s crown as the player to have made the most ever passes in a Premier League game since 2004 while playing a maximum of 45 minutes (plus stoppages), has tipped even us over the edge.
Here are five much better stats from last weekend’s legitimately bonkers Premier League action.
Harry Kane becoming the first Premier League player to set up the same team-mate for four goals in one game
Obvious one, but that is properly impressive. No player has ever assisted the same player for four goals in the same Premier League game. There have only been three previous Assist-Scorer hat-tricks, and Kane is only the sixth player to record four Premier League assists to anyone in the same game. Even more weirdly, all the previous five were also playing for a north London club: Fabregas (not surprising), Bergkamp (ditto), Reyes and Cazorla for Arsenal (not surprising), Adebayor (very surprising) for Tottenham (also surprising). Kane has now doubled his total Premier League assists from last season, while Son has doubled the number of goals he’s ever scored in a single Premier League game. Son and Kane have also now combined directly for 31 goals at Tottenham. Only with Christian Eriksen (32) has Kane been involved in more goals. Perhaps the most mental stat on that list is the presence of Raheem Sterling, Kane’s fifth-most frequent goal collaborator despite never playing together at club level. They’ve combined directly to score an England goal once every 216 minutes, which is just plain nutty and certainly bodes well for whenever Kane finally accepts the inevitable and moves to City to actually win some shit.
But not one of Kane, Son or Sterling has ever done 75 passes in 45 minutes (plus stoppages) against 10 men.
James Rodriguez recording zero sprints in a man-of-the-match display against West Brom
We’ve already decided that any fears we had that it might all go tits up have been thoroughly debunked. Give him player of the year now. What an absolute hero of a man. One goal, one assist, two key passes, one dribble, ZERO SPRINTS. He is quite literally bending the world’s biggest and bestest and fastest and franticest league to his immaculately groomed will and you absolutely adore to observe it even though he foolishly remained on the pitch for longer than 45 minutes (plus stoppages).
Brendan Rodgers registering his 100th Premier League victory
And taking only one game longer (210) than Kevin Keegan to do so. Sir Fergie and Kenny Dalglish are the only other UK managers to reach the ton faster. He’s the 23rd manager in all to reach the milestone, and easily the most humble despite never having completed 75 passes in a maximum of 45 minutes (plus stoppages) on the pitch.
Wilfried Zaha becoming the first former Manchester United to score twice in a Premier League game against Manchester United
Pretty much all the information you need on that one is right there to be honest. His pass stats certainly left a lot to be desired, though, as did his ability to play no more than 45 minutes (plus stoppages).
Leeds games having all of the goals
Fourteen goals represents the highest total goals for any English top-flight side’s opening two games of the season since 1962/63, which is quite literally ages ago and covers a great, great many years when any number of flat-cap-wearing, whippet-owning, pint-drinking old timey footballers might have easily surpassed so-called Thiago’s so-called record of 75 passes in a maximum of 45 minutes (plus stoppages).