Haaland, Man United, Chelsea and some utter nonsense

Date published: Tuesday 27th July 2021 10:06 - Editor F365


What chance do Manchester United have of pulling off a mega-deal for Erling Haaland after Chelsea’s baller move?


He’s behind Roo
Life got harder for crisis management expert and PR man Ian Monk on Monday as The Sun were given/sold pictures of Wayne Rooney walking towards a hotel at 5.15am with two 21-year-old girls before ‘photos emerged of him in a hotel room with three scantily clad women’.

But you have to give the man credit for persistence as he is still calling ‘set-up’. Now Rooney may well have had his photo taken without permission but there is no doubt that an inebriated Rooney willingly went with these women to a hotel room. And yet…

‘Sources insisted the former Manchester United ace was the victim of a set-up.’

Was he lured to the hotel with promises of a potential signing for troubled Derby County? We await the full truth that absolutely was not the familiar tale of a p***ed-up father of four going to a hotel room with attractive young women before falling asleep…


Var and away
Whichever Manchester United source briefed tabloid journalists on Monday about Manchester United pulling out of the Raphael Varane deal clearly gave them a bum steer as the deal was pretty much done by the end of the day.

So the impatience of Monday in The Sun…

‘MANCHESTER  UNITED are losing patience in their pursuit of Real Madrid centre-back Raphael   Varane.

‘And there is a concern that the France star is using United to get himself a bumper new deal at the Bernabeu.

‘All the indications were that the 28-year-old was keen on a move to Old Trafford but personal terms have still not been agreed.’

…has all disappeared by Tuesday in The Sun…

‘MANCHESTER UNITED have made a breakthrough in their pursuit of Raphael Varane.

‘Real Madrid have finally got fed up of the defender’s demands over a new deal and will now let him leave this summer.

‘Varane has already agreed personal terms on a four-year deal with United, with an option of another 12 months.’

And just like that…Manchester United have successfully shifted blame from player – of course, he had agreed a deal all along – to selling club for the delay.


Men at work
The second biggest story on The Sun online football section – after Rooney walking down a street, obviously – is that ‘MANCHESTER UNITED star Donny van de Beek has returned to training ahead of the new Premier League season’. Yes, a man has gone to work.

And apparently, he is ‘hoping to get fully fit ahead of United’s Premier League opener at home to Everton on August 7’. Presumably the player himself realises that United’s Premier League opener is actually on August 14 against Leeds United. He should try to be fit for that one. He has made a good start by going to work.


Swap shop
Even for the infamous Jake Polden of the Mirror football website, this is some quite tremendous work:

‘Erling Haaland swap transfer to Man Utd details – five components of mega-deal’

What Erling Haaland swap transfer to Man Utd? Well, the one mentioned by Mundo Deportivo in passing four days ago as a ‘dream’ of United. And you know what dreams are? Not bloody real. This was the sum total of the details – as translated by Google – on the subject:

‘For the attack at Old Trafford they also dream of Haaland and even considered including French attacker Anthony Martial in the operation with Borussia Dortmund, for whom he paid 80 million euros to Monaco years ago.’

And now Polden is promising ‘details’ and ‘five components of mega-deal’. And he delivers. As long as you don’t actually want details of this imaginary mega-deal.

It takes him just two sentences to admit it is utter bollocks:

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer and co. are no closer to snapping up the Norwegian now than they were two seasons ago.’

But by that juncture he has got your click so he cares not a jot. But he’s in…

‘The idea is a simple one. Manchester United swap a first-team player for Haaland and sweeten the deal with some cash.

‘It sounds like a dream scenario for the Red Devils.

‘But of course, Dortmund have no intention of selling their talisman, especially after just parting company with Sancho, and the prospect of inheriting an out-of-favour United player hardly sets the pulses racing.

‘Still, the idea is a fascinating one, so here are five components of a potential Haaland to Man United swap deal.’

There’s a reason they made him Sports Agenda Editor. Or, as the man himself would say, ‘Jake Polden promotion to Sports Agenda Editor – five components of mega-deal’?


Baller move
What realistic chance do Manchester United have of pulling off an Erling Haaland transfer when Chelsea have ‘already done something brilliant for Erling Haaland transfer pursuit’, according to the Daily Express website?

We shall let them take up the fascinating story:

‘When it comes to signing Erling Haaland, Chelsea have already done something brilliant by winning the Champions League’

We will save you the other 702 words.

More Related Articles