Arsenal legend wears APPROPRIATE CLOTHING as Harry Potter nemesis spotted in unlikely place
The Sun spectacularly miss the point on a story about Jens Lehmann, while Voldemort takes up residence on a Liverpool star’s neck, Raphael Varane is declared a flop and the triumphant return of the supercomputer sees it solve Man City’s Rodri problem for them. It is, and really could only be, Mediawatch.
Follow the leder
Mediawatch frequently expresses its anger and/or befuddlement at the popular tabloid pastime of capping up seemingly random words in headlines and intros, but it can be useful. It can sometimes, for instance, let you know which element of a story they consider to be interesting or particularly noteworthy. And those choices are often entirely baffling.
Take this intro, for instance, from The Sun.
Arsenal legend Jens Lehmann has been stopped for suspected drink-driving in LEDERHOSEN – after downing steins at Oktoberfest.
That’s what people wear to Oktoberfest, lads. We’re pretty confident the drink-driving is the notable part of this particular tale, rather than the fact he was dressed like almost any other adult German male at Oktoberfest.
As well as some lovely second mentions (‘the huge Bavarian beer festival’, ‘the beer extravaganza’) the piece also contains some further details that seem at first glance to be more interesting than Lehmann’s entirely unremarkable attire.
Breath tests had to be abandoned because the ex-Emirates ace was ‘no longer able to blow’ and instead was taken to a police station for further tests.
LEDERHOSEN!
In December 2023 he was fined £400,000 by the Starnberg District Court, in Bavaria, for chainsawing his neighbour’s garage roof to get a better view of Lake Starnberg.
LEDERHOSEN!
Top of the flops
Not having this headline from the Daily Star one bit, on the news of Raphael Varane’s injury-forced retirement.
Man Utd flop Raphael Varane retires after playing just 23 minutes for new club
Flop? If Varane’s three years at United are now the benchmark for a flop then we’re all in trouble.
Varane and anyone connected with United would have loved him to play more, that’s for sure, but he was still really pretty good when his body allowed. As the Star themselves even begrudgingly concede.
However, despite his disappointing spell at United given his pedigree, Varane did play a part in helping Erik ten Hag’s side to win two trophies. In 2023, they lifted the Carabao Cup when they beat Newcastle United 2-0 at Wembley.
And in his final game for the club, he returned from injury as United claimed FA Cup glory against rivals Manchester City earlier this year back in June.
He did a bit more than just return from injury ‘as United claimed FA Cup glory’; he was absolutely brilliant as United shackled City in really quite unexpectedly excellent fashion.
It would be fair to say neither Varane nor United got everything they might have wanted out of their three years together, but flop seems wildly over-the-top and – on the day of his retirement at just 31 – unnecessarily cruel for a damn fine player who still played 95 games for the club and won two trophies.
Darwin theory
More hard-hitting investigative journalism from the Star here, with the following absolute f***ing nonsense.
Harry Potter nemesis Lord Voldemort hiding in Liverpool star Darwin Nunez’s neck
Does Darwin Nunez’s Adam’s apple look like Voldemort? Not really. But some random on twitter or Instagram or whatever said it did, and that’s enough to concoct an entire story these days, apparently.
It does, at least, mean the following paragraph has been committed to posterity and will remain available for future generations to study and enjoy. Think we can all agree the world would be a worse place without the following collection of what is without any doubt a collection of English words.
Despite having many tattoos, the 25-year-old Uruguayan marksman hasn’t inked Voldemort onto his body. Instead the outline on his neck appeared to look like the face of the alien-like fictional wizard from the JK Rowling books, who also appeared in all but one of the Harry Potter films, when he was portrayed by Brit acting great Ralph Fiennes.
But nothing can justify or excuse the inclusion of the following absolutely absurd lie.
Nunez’s Voldemort neck was the biggest talking point in Liverpool’s victory.
No. No it wasn’t.
Computer says no
After all yesterday’s Premier League table-based fun with AI and Supercomputers, Mediawatch’s eye was always going to be drawn to the following Daily Star headline.
Five ways Pep Guardiola’s Man City could line up without Rodri according to supercomputer
Having quite cheerfully and openly admitted they’re just getting ChatGPT to churn out features for them now, the Star crack on with such brilliant ideas as ‘John Stones – but in midfield’ and ‘Rico Lewis – but in midfield’.
Now Mediawatch isn’t saying this whole enterprise was a complete waste of both time and planet-killing processing power, but the fact the words ‘Ilkay Gundogan’ appear nowhere whatsoever in the pseudo-content the machine ultimately farts out does once again give us pause.
MORE MAN CITY COVERAGE ON F365…
👉 How Haaland exposed a recent flaw in live TV football – and also how we can blame VAR
👉 Ederson 9), Silva 3): Ten Man City fit starters vs Arsenal ranked on injury impact after Rodri blow
👉 Man City given scare in Carabao Cup as Christopher Nkunku nets hat-trick in 5-0 Chelsea victory
Thirty, love
Mediawatch has never really understood the fondness in certain parts of the media for giving a precise word count on statements made or issued or barked or snarled or clapped back.
We generally just ignore them now if they are at least accurate. We will never understand why the fact Ben Chilwell’s response to Chelsea fans after the Barrow game contained 10 words is of headline-worthy importance, but his post-match Instagram message to Chelsea fans did indeed contain 10 words. We cannot and will not argue with that.
Where Mediawatch will continue to step in is when outlets cherry-pick one small bit of what’s been said and then treat that like the statement in full.
So no, Daily Express, this is not going to go unchecked.
Pep Guardiola offers one-word Rodri injury update as Man City left sweating
He issued a 30-word update, as you well know because you’ve included the other 29 words he said.
When quizzed ahead of the Carabao Cup clash against Watford on Tuesday if Rodri would be out for some time, Guardiola simply confirmed: “Yep.”
The City boss then added: “We’re still waiting for the decision of the doctors, exactly what he has. When we know it, the club or myself, the spokesman of the club will announce it.”
You can’t just put ‘then added’ to pretend the rest of it doesn’t count.
This is the news
It’s Wednesday morning. The fallout from Sunday’s massive title clash between Manchester City and Arsenal continues; City and Chelsea were back in action last night; Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester United all play tonight, and Raphael Varane has announced his retirement at just 31 years of age.
So what, according to The Sun’s football homepage, is the single biggest story in the game right now?
TRUE PLAYER: Cristiano Ronaldo said I was the only player better than him – now I want to start career in porn
Never change, guys, never change. Although we might need to have words about using ‘THE NKREDIBLES’ as the headline on Chelsea’s win over Barrow.