Liverpool have a ‘nightmare’ start and a ‘brutal’ middle as fixture lists released

Editor F365
Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp and Mo Salah talk
Jurgen Klopp could lose another player to Saudi Arabia

Chelsea also have a ‘horror’ start while Liverpool’s real fixture ‘nightmare’ comes during the six-week Christmas holidays.

 

The stuff of nightmares
The usual and incredibly tired fixture list joke is that everybody plays each other twice, but there is no traffic to be garnered from such realism so the key is to pretend that there are ‘nightmare’ or ‘horror’ fixture lists.

First up are The Sun, who tell us (but not Liverpool fans because they won’t read it):

Liverpool handed nightmare start to 2023/24 Premier League season as horror fixtures are released

This ‘nightmare’ start of ‘horror fixtures’ sees them play the teams who finished last season in 12th, 15th, 3rd, 7th, 13th and 14th. That’s an average position of 10th if we are generous and round it down. How will they ever recover? How on earth are they still second-favourites for the title?

But perhaps the headline writer has just got giddy? Let’s take a look at the story itself…

LIVERPOOL have been handed a nightmare start to next season’s Premier League.

No, they’ve gone for it. They’re committed to the cause. And again in the third paragraph…

However, they face a nightmare opening fixture against Chelsea, who themselves have been given a horror start to the season.

A ‘nightmare opening fixture’ against a team that hasn’t beaten them in their last six meetings, is it? Might as well hand them the three points now and save themselves the petrol money.

Liverpool have not beaten the Blues in the Premier League since September 2020.

And their winless streak at Chelsea’s home stretches back even further to September 2019.

Nope. Wrong. That September 2020 win was at Stamford Bridge. Sadio Mane scored twice. Here are 16 Conclusions on that game.

Actually, it’s more accurate to say that Liverpool have lost only once to Chelsea in their last 10 Premier League meetings and that was at Anfield. Their last five Premier League visits to Chelsea have reaped two wins and three draws. If anything it’s a bloody dream start.

But maybe it’s the next games that make this a ‘nightmare’ or a ‘horror’ for Liverpool?

August 19 sees Liverpool host Bournemouth at Anfield, which could see a repeat of the 9-0 drubbing they inflicted on the Cherries in their first home game last season.

Liverpool’s final August fixture sees another tricky match away at Newcastle on August 26.

September 2 sees Liverpool return play at home for the second time with a match against Unai Emery’s Aston Villa – a game which essentially cost the Reds top four.

Mohamed Salah and co. then travel away to Wolves on September 16 for another tough away game.

Hmmm. Sounds like they are playing four teams who finished below them last season and one – Newcastle – that they beat home and away. At worst it’s unremarkable.

You know what’s not unremarkable? The start of Chelsea, with The Athletic doing the maths and concluding that they have the easiest fixture start:

Which must come as news to The Sun, who tell us:

Pochettino landed horror Chelsea start with bogey match as 2023/24 Premier League fixtures are released

A ‘horror start’ and a ‘bogey match’, is it? We can only assume that football will be the winner at Stamford Bridge on August 13.

CHELSEA face a horror start to the season as they kick things off at home to Liverpool.

The Blues have not beaten Liverpool at home in the Prem since May 2018 and are without a win in six games against Jurgen Klopp’s side.

They are also without a defeat (apart from on penalties) in six games against Liverpool. Their last four games have all ended 0-0. It’s a f***ing dull start is what it is.

 

I wish it could be Christmas every day
Elsewhere, the Mirror have also decided that the best way to sell fixtures is to pretend that everybody has a ‘brutal’ or a ‘nightmare’ stretch of games.

Liverpool face hectic Christmas period with brutal 7-game run in Premier League

Because of course Christmas traditionally runs between December 16 and February 3; Mediawatch usually starts taking down the tinsel on about February 8 when we have finally had enough turkey and Miranda.

Man Utd face nightmare 6-game run that will define their season

And this ‘nightmare 6-game run’ includes home games against Everton and Sheffield United and is punctuated by an international break.

Arsenal handed tricky 8-game run just a month into new Premier League season

How handy that the three most popular clubs in the world and thus the internet all have a ‘brutal’, ‘nightmare’ or ‘tricky’ run.

This one for Arsenal does at least feature several Big Seven sides, though the average position from last season (putting Sheffield United in 22nd) is again 10th. So you could say that they even themselves out. Almost like a random fixture list.

 

OK Computer
Not so super, eh.

Mediawatch