Full-kit swankers at Mail as Ruben Amorim hotel gets the usual treatment

The Mail love to take us ‘inside’ the swanky hotel where Ruben Amorim is staying, as we discover how he REALLY rates his Manchester United players.

Who’s the swanker at the Mail?
As sure as eggs is eggs and night follows day, MailOnline advertise the ‘swanky’ Lowry hotel in Manchester at any given opportunity.

Revealed: The swanky five-star hotel that Man United boss Ruben Amorim has chosen as his new home… with rooms costing up to £4,000 a night!

So, so many issues with that headline – has he ‘chosen’ it or is it Manchester United’s standard issue for new managers? As Jose Mourinho stayed there for over two years, we suspect the latter; it’s not a ‘new home’ if it’s temporary; the room ‘costing up to £4,000 a night!’ is the Presidential Suite and there’s no suggestion that Amorim is staying there – but we’re here to highlight just how often this happens.

(Though we would like to pause for a moment and appreciate a United ‘source’ who does not know how to spell Fernandes (Fernandez) or Ten Hag (Ten Haag)).

(Oh and pause to appreciate an opening line that hails ‘celebrity guests including superstars Rita Ora and Lady Gaga’, which might be the most flattering sentence ever written about one of those women).

Here’s a smattering of the headlines that have appeared on MailOnline:

‘Inside The Lowry Hotel: Block-booked by Manchester United across the season and Jose Mourinho’s temporary home – the five-star football-friendly venue which can cost guests £4,000-a-night’

‘Jose Mourinho has emotional ‘last supper’ with tearful staff at the top Manchester hotel where he stayed for 895 days and racked up a £500,000 bill after he was sacked by Man United’

‘As Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho gears up for a second season living at the Lowry Hotel, look inside their £816-a-night luxury suites’

‘Manchester United manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer WILL move out of the Lowry… unlike Jose Mourinho who stayed for two and a half years (and his bill will only be £18,000 compared to predecessor’s £537,000 tab!)’

‘The swanky hotel loved by Ant and Dec, Rita Ora and Alesha Dixon just got even swankier: Manchester’s Lowry reveals pictures of its newly renovated £4k-a-night presidential suite’

‘Botox via room service! Five-star Manchester hotel becomes first in the UK to offer in-room aesthetic treatments including fillers and Hollywood facials’

Do they get a discount for every use of the word ‘swanky’? What happens if they drop the ‘s’?

MORE MAN UTD COVERAGE ON F365…
👉 Mailbox: Man Utd just ‘a bunch of pretty boys’ and Ruben Amorim is ‘f***ed’
👉 Eight Man Utd kneejerk predictions on player exits after Amorim’s first game include Rashford leaving
👉 Good luck Ruben Amorim; Man Utd are ‘a fat, lazy, bloated corpse of a club’

Coulda woulda shoulda
The ‘United source’ who has spoken to the MailOnline and is absolutely definitely not made up, is quoted as saying: “The Hale and Bowdon area has been mentioned where his captain Fernandez lives and many of the players. It is just a short drive to the training ground.

“He could move into Ten Haag’s old place or even Paul Pogba’s place. But he is in the Lowry for the moment. He has walked round the city a bit and had a coffee in a few of the cafes.”

He ‘could’ move into those two specific houses but he also ‘could’ move into any other vacant property in those areas, or any other area. It’s almost like this particular ‘source’ has no specific information about Amorim’s house-hunting plans.

But obviously…

‘Ruben Amorim ‘could move to Ten Hag or Pogba’s old homes’ with Man Utd boss living in hotel with £2000-a-night suite’ – The Sun.

At least they fixed the spelling.

Rank and file
The Sun‘s North West District Editor Richard Moriarty has long had a source inside Manchester United’s dressing-room feeding him exclusives; in the last week alone he’s brought the news that Marcus Rashford has taken up boxing, Ruben Amorim name-checked Fergie while rallying his Manchester United troops and Ruud van Nistelrooy ‘urged Manchester United’s players to get behind new manager Ruben Amorim’.

None of it ground-breaking, none of it explosive, none of it particularly interesting, if we’re honest. And that also applies to his latest exclusive:

RUBEN AMORIM gave Manchester United five out of ten for Sunday’s performance at Ipswich.

Seems fair. Seems reasonable. Amorim has been pretty honest about his team’s failures at Ipswich. And a 1-1 draw against a team battling relegation is a 5/10 kind of result from a 5/10 performance.

Mediawatch has no beef with the story; it feels broadly accurate and it’s pretty harmless. It’s highly unlikely that Amorim would give a flying f*** about anybody knowing about his 5/10 rating. What amuses us is how it is reported elsewhere.

Over to MailOnline for some typical bombast and typical CAPITALS:

Revealed: How Ruben Amorim REALLY rated Man United’s display against Ipswich, with new Red Devils boss ‘giving his players a score out of 10’ after 1-1 draw at Portman Road

How he REALLY rated them? He criticised two players right after the game so it’s hardly like he was disingenuously complimentary and then he’s sneaked off and pointed out that actually, drawing 1-1 at Ipswich is not ideal, actually.

‘Ruben Amorim’s true thoughts about Manchester United’s performance in their 1-1 draw with Ipswich have been revealed’, apparently. Oddly, his ‘true thoughts’ are pretty much exactly the same as those he expressed publicly, almost like he’s a real human.

And then there’s the Express: ‘Ruben Amorim ‘gives Man Utd stars rating out of 10’ as dressing room message ‘leaked”

It’s the sh***est ‘leak’ ever. Football manager thinks below-average performance was below-average shock!

And they have got very carried away: ‘Manchester United head coach Ruben Amorim is already ripping up the playbook at Old Trafford after a reported dressing room leak revealed he gave out player ratings following their 1-1 draw with Ipswich Town.’

Nope. No he didn’t. And you sodding know he didn’t. But there’s that ‘curiosity gap’ and there will be many football fans falling down that gaping hole. See you down there…

Please brutality
Ruben Amorim might want to re-think that Manchester United rating when he realises that Danny Murphy was not impressed.

According to the Mirror: ‘Ruben Amorim brutally told that ambitious Manchester United plan ‘won’t work”

First, Murphy never said it ‘won’t work’, but quote marks have long since ceased to mean anything at all. What he did say was this – “I’d be amazed if they were still playing a 3-4-3 in a year’s time” – because he is a keen proponent of the Our League approach to punditry.

Brutal? Only if you’re about seven.