How to finish the PL season part 427, screw you football and…

Date published: Thursday 2nd April 2020 2:34

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Thanks for your mails. Keep them coming to…


How to finish the season part 427
Long time reader, first time mailer etc. etc (probably a few of us what with no bosses looking over our shoulders right now)Anyway, I have finally solved how to finish the season, and I can’t see any problems whatsoever. No sireee.

As a few people have suggested, make the last few games of this season count double, to both this and next season. Then, when this season is finished relegation and promotion happens, and the teams moving swap their points for next season.  So team finishing 18th in the Prem for 19/20 gets swapped with winner of the Championship, and their points for the 20/21 season stay attached to the league position, not the team. No playoffs for promotion obviously, but it allows this season to finish, and next season to start.

The only slight flaw I can see is that eg. Norwich could phone it in for the last/first 9 games of this/next season, leaving whoever comes up from the Championship in 3rd with a mountain to climb, but they’d still be getting promoted so would likely still grab the chance.

And it all breaks down if the pandemic goes on too long, taking next season out as well.

Am I a genius? Ladies and gentlemen of the mailbox, tell me how I’m not.
Chris, MUFC, Running out of ways to entertain a 2 year old without leaving the house.


Screw you…
Following the PFA’s position that it is not prepared for its members to take any sort of pay cut, I have to wonder whether this football malarkey is worth it and whether I can support this sport any further.

The past few weeks have put everything into perspective. Hundreds of people in this country are dying daily, while thousands are losing their lives across the globe and I’m supposed to care about whether Aubameyang is in the centre circle as Arsenal captain if ever football resumes?!

It’s sad it’s taken a situation like this to wake people up but you overpaid gits don’t deserve the money you’re on – it’s the frontline NHS staff – the ones saving lives – that deserve pay hikes.

So screw you football, screw you Premier League players and screw you the PFA.

Football never was a matter of life and death and you can stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Graham Simons, Norf London


Shameful spurs and any other club that follows suit
Hi Editor

Just venting my outrage at spurs and any other club that follow suit.

Spurs profit last year 140 million I believe.

Spurs players paid around 74 million I believe

Not sure on what there other staff they have furloughed are paid but approx. 450 so max 1 million per month if on 25 k per year but probably a lot are part time on a lot less.

So say this is for 3 months they get us, the tax payer to pay there staff 3 million !!!!

When if they cut there players wages just 4% it would cover it.

Or they could do nothing and take 3million of the 140 million profit.

Kind regards Steve Breslin


Dear F365,

I know Spurs are getting a pasting at the moment because the players haven’t taken a pay cut. I’m not sure that is completely justified. The non-playing staff who have been furloughed have a wage coming in, albeit 20% light. The players are, in some cases doing other things with their own money and time for those possibly in a much less fortunate position. I know that the club have offered the stadium space to the NHS and many players are doing their own bit to help the causes they see as the most in need. Maybe they don’t see that the cashflow of the 8th richest club is the highest priority at the moment for them.

So, they could take a pay cut and fund the non-playing staff or they could stick, let the non-playing staff get 80% and then help those in an even more perilous position.

The LMA have also had their say so I expect many of the players are being pushed to do nothing contract wise.

Personally, I think the minimum Spurs should do is fund the additional 20% for staff to get their full wages and I hope the players still get their contracted amounts but do something truly worthwhile with it at the moment, contributing important tax to the economy and helping others. The Clubs will feel this over the next year or so when the help may not be available and so permanent redundancies may then be an actual necessity.

I’m not saying Spurs are acting correctly, but the alternative could have a greater impact to those in more need.
Steve (THFC)


Football clubs and taxes
I will start by saying that I don’t like Spurs furloughing staff. I will also add that nobody knows what players do for charitable causes because not everyone wants needs the pats on the backs, so whilst players aren’t currently deferring wages (which is something that needs to be addressed to the PFA) we simply have no idea what people do with their money. Right now we have no idea if Kane – who’s  wages were mentioned, has been putting in thousands of pounds for support or not. Or for that matter what they have wanted but simply aren’t able to do.

What I would like to take note of is that unlike practically all their peers, Spurs pay huge sums of tax. In the past two years Spurs have paid more than United (£20m, Liverpool £27m) and Everton (£0!) combined. Stretch it to five years and that total is £70m in tax.

If a club is bringing in zero revenue – £5m per match day has been removed – without factoring in the wages that are paid per match day, spread over five remaining games is a significant sum of money which few businesses could deal with.

It isn’t a good look at all. I’d have far sooner the club hadn’t done it. I would sooner that all players and boardroom staff were paid a little less but it is tax that they have paid which they are now dipping back into. That is one of the components of what paying your tax is for.


A response to my own April Fools mail, oh dear…
Well technically Bennett (tell Matrix I’ll be ready), Val Verde asked for responses to my April Fools funny moments, so I am not simply replying to myself here, but moments that raised a smile on my face are as followed;

1. Carlos Diogo vs Luis Fabiano
Arguably one of the worst best fights you will ever see in sport.

2. Michy Batshuayi Kicks The Ball Into His Face
2018 World Cup, England v Belgium, Adnan Januzaj scores for Belgium and you remember the rest.

3. Louis Van Gaal diving
LVG was a character, truly brilliant at times, none more so than when he showed Mike Dean a dive during the Arsenal game.

4. Neil Warnock being Neil Warnock
I will let the video do the moment justice.

5. Worst Somersault Attempt Ever
It is the World Cup, you’re losing to Spain, what does Iranian sub Milan Mohammadi do at a throw in? This

6. Ardan Turan’s Tantrum
Have you ever seen someone become so angry that they take off their shoe and throw it?

7. Anytime an Animal is on the Pitch
We all love to see it.
Mikey, CFC

Quotable quotes
Dear The Mailbox,

Just to highlight a few of my favourite quotes from football commentators and pundits: Phil Neville referring to a referee’s vanishing spray as ‘imaginary spray’, David Pleat at the 2010 World Cup saying that the Italians, after their defeat to Slovakia, were going to have to say ‘au revoir’, and this Gary Neville-inspiring cry of excitement from Motty:

On the other current topic of discussion in the mailbox: if the Premier League/FA Cup seasons could be finished ‘behind closed doors’ at a time and in a way which don’t put the players and staff at risk, I’d be very happy, even as a Manchester United fan who’d inevitably have to watch Liverpool win the league. Partly because I’m top of one of the fantasy leagues I’m in and there’s a small trophy from Timpson’s (other shoe/key experts are available) on offer, but mainly because for football addicts, being stuck indoors would be much more enjoyable with a three- or four-week wall-to-wall football blitz to watch. I appreciate the atmosphere is weird with no fans, but the telly people can just overdub some crowd noises from Sensible Soccer.
Cheers, Dan () by Sigur Ros, Brighton


Greater Manchester XI
Good afternoon,

Here we go with a GM Premier League XI. Though a Man United supporter, l honestly haven’t left out City players, it’s just that they were mainly a bit meh until the dosh arrived.

Gary Walsh, a bit short from memory.

Full backs Gary Neville, (who else?) and Kieron Trippier, I know it’s a GarthC out of position call, but I think he is bloody good.

David May and Wes Brown in CD. Not brilliant, but dependable.

Midfield of David Platt, James Tarkowski, Danny Drinkwater and of course Paul Scholes. That would scare the shit out of a lot of teams today.

Up front proved difficult, with Danny Welbeck sitting in front of Phil Foden. One disappointingly unfulfilled player in front of another potentially unfulfilled player.

As I searched on google, it came up with the predictive text “footballers from great expectations”, so Charles Dickens gets to be the manager even though he was born in Portsmouth.

Stay safe all.
Ged Biglin


For readers of a certain disposition
It’s 01/08/2020. It’s a Saturday. The sun is shining.

You head down the cafe for a full English, extra hash browns. The Sun paper is full of stories about Brexit & celebs again.

You’ve not done an acca for 19 weeks so you’re primed with £190 cash for bets.

Straight into the bookies even though you’ve got the app. No hand sanitizer, like a boss.

19x £10 accas placed coz you’ve missed losing every week. You’ll do more on the app later because you want the security of a cash out offer. You know you won’t take it.

You stopped playing pub footie 3 years ago but you’ve signed on at your local coz you’ve had 19 weeks stuck indoors getting moaned at by the missus. You know you’ll be the lino or on the bench but you don’t care.

Straight back to the boozer after the game, Jeff and the boys back on the box going through all the scores.

Text the missus “only going for a couple be back soon”

3x accas done already from the early kick off. Standard

Tuck into a cold refreshing pint of your finest. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And a jager. And another. And another. And another pint.

6 missed calls from the missus

You’ll be singing songs and dancing with old birds, maybe a spot of karaoke. You’ll be in your local dive nightclub but my god it feels good to be back on that sticky floor.

You’ll get mugged £5 for a squirt of Joop by the freshen up man. Then give him another quid coz you want a lolly.

That one loony mate back on top form drinking liquid out of glow sticks & necking off with mingers.

Into the kebab shop. Large meat & chips. Burger sauce.

Eat some. Puke some.

Stagger back home. Fall through the door. Walk up the stairs “quietly”

It’s 02/08/2020.

It’s a Sunday. You’ve got a raging hangover.

The missus starts moaning. You go deaf to it, that skill you’ve acquired over years of ear ache. You’ve still got it

Then you remember. ITS SUPER SUNDAY

Keep calm. This time will come. Get ready.
James, Kent

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